Please Don't Take Your Organs To Heaven. Heaven Knows We Need Them Here.

I am so blessed that my Mom is an organ donor and gave me one of her kidneys. The wait list for a transplant is years. I was told that I would probably be on the transplant list for at least 3 years if I didn't have a living donor. That is for a kidney, there are people in need of a heart, a liver, lungs, tissue, bone marrow, and things I can't even think of right now.  All you have to do in order to be an organ donor is sign your driver's license. I don't understand why more people aren't organ donors. I know I can't be a living donor, but I am a donor according to my driver's license. I want them to use anything and everything I have when I die. It's a way for me to live on. I am one person, but let's just say that the doctor's are able to use my liver and my heart, I will be saving two lives not to mention countless family and friends who will have their Mom, Dad, Brother, Sister, Son, Daughter, Cousin, Aunt, Uncle, Niece, Nephew, best friend back. I mean what if my heart goes to the future President of The United States? What if I save the person who finds a cure for cancer? What if I save a child who, without my lungs, wouldn't of been able to graduate high school? You don't just give a future to one person. You give memories to mom and dads and families. You give someone their first loves. You give someone their best friend. You give someone and their family a wedding. You give someone and everyone around them, life. People are able to keep a little bit of their innocence because they will not know what it's like to lose a child, a parent, a family member, or someone they know sooner than they should.

I am so blessed because last year I thought every holiday and birthday of my children was the last one I would celebrate and because of my Mom, I have celebrated at least one more. We don't know what will happen tomorrow, that's in God's hands. But because of my Mom, I at least know I have a tomorrow until God calls me to go home.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Years

These past couple of weeks have been crazy busy for us. The kids have been home for Christmas break and I have enjoyed their company. We had a wonderful Christmas filled with family and love. Then the kids and I had a camp out in the living room on an air mattress for New Years. They fell asleep 10 or 15 minutes before midnight leaving me to ring in the New Year all by myself. And then I went to bed about 15 after midnight. I have a good feeling about this year and I am going to do all that I can to make sure that it's different than the years past. Last year, for Christmas Tim got me a ring. It was gorgeous, but needed to be sized and it came back looking funky. Soooo, the jeweler sized another one for me and it came back equally ugly. I'm all about 2nd chances, but after the 2nd ring came back in awful condition, I decided to not go with the ring after all. So this year, I made sure my present from Tim was a little more... ummmm, how you say... permanent. I got a tattoo on my left forearm. I already had stars placed up close to the bend of my arm and now in addition to my stars I have a gorgeous pink and purple swallow. It's very girly and beautiful. It is definitely me. But wait... we still aren't done... Monday, I go back to get a blue and green swallow with dog tags in it's beak on my upper arm, along with backgrounds for both birds and another star. Then I will have filigree and strands of pearls connecting the 2 birds with the stars in the middle (pictures will come when it is finished). I'm excited and scared at the same time. This tattoo will be a total of 6-7 hours of work. And though I have a high tolerance for pain, I'm a little surprised at myself that I'm voluntarily putting myself through pain. Of course it won't stop there because my end goal is to have a sleeve and I still have the elbow side of my arm to do. I asked my phlebotomist about the tattoos to make sure they wouldn't hinder her from taking blood and when she told me it wouldn't, she advised that I get whatever work done quickly. She said if I ever had to have a fistula put in, that I wouldn't be able to finish what I started. I'm at least 10 years away from needing dialysis again (hopefully I won't ever need dialysis again) but hey, we aren't guaranteed anything in life so I figured I would go ahead and do what I wanted as far as tattoos are concerned now. This is something I have always wanted and I'm out of my 20's and more sure of what I want for the rest of my life. This might be to my advantage... my kids saw how sore I was before it healed and they don't want one (yet) because "they use needles. And I don't like needles... needles hurt mama". They are 4 and 5 and who knows how they will feel when they are older, but at this moment I'm proud they aren't giving into "parent" pressure. Hopefully, when they get older, they won't give into peer pressure. One can hope right?

Days of Thanks

We see how long I kept up with the whole 365 Days of Thanks... a whole 41 days!! Go Me! Yeah, it wasn't working out like I thought it would. With 3 kids, a dog, a husband, and more sickness than I like to think about, I just couldn't do it. I am planning on blogging more, but I can't everyday even if I exclude weekends. I have a crazy busy life and if I were being honest, there are a lot of times I would turn on the computer to blog just to turn it off because I didn't feel like it. And let's face it, I don't really have any readers so this is for me and to make me happy and something for my kids to reflect on when they get older. I'm not disappointed in myself by any means. I tried and did good for 41 days and that's longer than I thought I would go. But now it's time for me to blog when I feel like it. Journal what I want when I want. That is all.

December 17, 2012

I'm an hour late for this post, but I've been late on a lot of posts, especially here lately. Anyhoo... tonight was the Christmas Program at Nate and Abbie's school. Nate didn't participate because he doesn't do well with loud noises. He seems to suffer from sensory overload, but we are still working with doctors for a behavioral diagnosis (that's another story). He sat with Anna in my lap and we watched as all the grades sang their Christmas song. Before the program started, all I could think about were the residents of Newton, CT. Specifically, Sandy Hook Elementary. How instead of attending the children's Christmas program, they are attending funerals. I thanked God for keeping our children safe. I prayed  for Newton, CT and Sandy Hook Elementary. I am thankful for these little moments and good times and candid pictures taken. Here is the picture of Abbie when she sees me in the crowd.

December 15 and 16, 2012

This weekend was busy busy. Saturday, Tim and I almost finished our Christmas shopping. I got Abbie some pretty, sparkly boots that she absolutely loves. I love seeing her face light up when she gets something she really likes and there isn't much she doesn't like. I had to give them to her because they matched her dress that she wore for church on Sunday. After Friday's tragedy, I was thankful for time. Time that I'm able to spend with my children. So many families want one more night with their kids and I have that.
Sunday we went to church for a Christmas program. I didn't realize they wouldn't have children's church so Abbie had to go with me to "big" church. She was impressive. She got a little antsy as most 4 years olds do especially when they are sitting in the same place for an hour. But I gave her a pen and a piece of paper and she kept herself entertained for a little while. It gave her break in the middle of the program. Nate and Anna stayed home. Nate didn't want to go which is o.k., I don't want to force him to go and make him hate when he gets older, although he will go when he gets older whether he wants to or not. And I'm still scared to take Anna out to public places... I got to thinking about it and the only place she really goes is to school. I'm just terrified of her getting sick and something happening to her. I almost lost her once and I don't want to go through that again. I am thankful for her health. She has had bronchitis once this season and she got  a few colds last winter, but other than that, she has been healthy.

December 14, 2012

Today a horrible tragedy occured. One that will change not only the lives of those involved, but the entire nation. A shooter entered an elementary school and killed at least 20 children and numerous adults and then killed himself. He was a coward that performed a cowardly act. I can't begin to express my anger over the entire situation, but mostly because he couldn't face what he did. If you can't face  the consequences due to your actions, than perhaps you shouldn't act. I believe there is a special place in hell where these kind of people will reside and I hope they are tortured and burn in the lake of fire. I feel for the friends and family of not only the victims, but for the murderer as well because they too, are victims. It's sad and senseless. But it's these times that make me appreciate having one more night with my children and family. It's these times that I'm thankful for my trials and tribulations, because I think the worst thing I could be put through is something of this magnitude. I would rather have a terminal illness than to lose my child. I am able to hug my children and kiss them and love them where there are at least 20 families tonight who would give anything to have one more night. I'm thankful for my one more night. My prayers, thoughts, and positive energy are in Newton, CT tonight with all the people effected. And I hope they know that the entire nation is behind them, mourning for their loss.

December 12 and 13, 2012

I'm still feeling pretty blah, so I am, again, consolidating 2 days into 1. Showers. I love showers. And you know how you want what you can't have? Yeah, I feel like that now. Due to my autonomic dysfunction, I have trouble maintaining my blood pressure, especially when I stand. My blood pressure drops drastically when I stand, so much so that I feel like I'm going to pass out. And do you know what that means? Yeah, it means a stinky, smelly Momma who wants a shower. I've stayed in bed for the most of the past 2 days... oh, who am I kidding... I've been in bed every day since Monday. And I have too much to do to stay in bed. I've got gifts to buy, gifts to make, babies to bathe, a house to clean, a body to clean, and the list goes on and on. Tim has been great, helping in every way he can, but he can't do it all... no matter how super he is. And the one thing I need and want he can't do. I want to shower. And I'm glad I have the option to shower whenever I want and hopefully I will tonight.

December 10 and 11, 2012

I'm going to consolidate the past 2 days into 1. I haven't felt good the past 2 days and have been curled up on the couch watching Netflix. What a wonderful invention Netflix is. This season, I started watching Private Practice and after seeing a conversation on Facebook about the show, I decided I needed to watch it from Season 1 Episode 1. I didn't realize there were so many seasons with so many episodes and I'm thankful that Netflix is available so that I can watch at my leisure on my laptop or on my tablet not just this show, but practically any show or movie available online. It definitely makes my sick days bearable. Now if I'm put in the hospital without internet access, I may have some issues... unless there is a Duck Dynasty marathon on :-)

December 8 and 9, 2012

I'm thankful for the little moments and the lessons you can learn.

On Saturday, we went with Emily and Bubba and her 3 children to Bass Pro Shop to see Santa. The time we waited (1.5 hours) was worth the 3 minutes Nate and Abbie spent to see him. It was crazy in there and I felt rushed by all the people around so I rushed Nate and Abbie. "sit down with Santa... ok... look at the camera... ok... tell Santa what you want... ok, let's go", We then went through Shadrach's Christmas Wonderland. It's a drive thru christmas lights show. We all piled in the van and it was beautiful. Lights every where and in tune with the music on the radio station and all in the comfort of our own vehicle. Nate and Abbie fell asleep on the way home and I reflected. I felt like I cheated them out of the experience with Santa. So I decided that on Sunday I would take them to the mall (early in the day) for them to see Santa.

That brings me to Sunday. We started off Sunday by going to church with my Dad. It's the church I grew up in. We went to Sunday school and then to "big church". We went Sunday night and Wednesday night. I griped about it when I was younger, and now I'm thankful. Church is something I want to get back into and take my kids to. It's a great support system and one that I want the kids to have. We went to eat with Grandad and GiGi afterwards and then off to the mall. We waited less than 5 minutes to see Santa and then there wasn't anyone waiting behind us so my kids talked to him and had pictures made without me barking in their ear that they needed to hurry. It was special and it taught me to slow down and just enjoy the moment so that my kids can enjoy the moment.

December 7, 2012

Today I am thankful for forgiveness. I am thankful that I am able to forgive and that I had the realization a long time ago, that I need to forgive for myself and not necessarily those that I feel had done me wrong. I have been hurt (and I'm sure I have hurt others) and I would hold a grudge. I would hold a grudge so large that it would consume me and my thoughts. I would see someone out that I felt had done me wrong and instantaneously become angry. I would walk the other way and spite them in my mind. I had no desire to see them ever again as long as I lived. When I started getting sick, I realized, I had no room for that anger. The room that the anger occupied needed to be evicted so that love and happiness  could expand. I decided to let it all go. I let every grudge I held, go. And with that I found a bag of bricks had been lifted off my shoulders. I would see those people and rather than go the other way, I would continue in the direction I was going and smile. I didn't have to say anything and it felt good to walk away without any ill feelings toward them. I only hope that the people who feel I did them wrong also forgive me so that we all are filled with love and happiness. Not for the person, but for ourselves.

December 6, 2012

I watch Grey's Anatomy every Thursday and I also DVR every new episode. The episodes that focus around babies I watch intently and put myself in the parent's position. I know it's a dramatization of real life, but having 3 kids in the NICU for different reasons, I can't help but wonder how I would react if any of my children went through what the baby in that episode was going through. How would I react. I almost always go back to the day Anna coded because a lot of parents don't ever hear the words "you're baby is in critical condition. Both of her lungs collapsed and she coded." Not every parent lives through one of their worst nightmares, not the worst, but one of the worst. Not every parent feels like they have had all the air sucked out of their body. I remember feeling like everything was going by so fast while my world stood still. I remember driving to the hospital and it taking forever. Forever to park. Forever to walk in. Forever to scrub my arms. Forever to walk the length of the short hallway to her incubator, but I reached it and I was there. Looking at her small, beautiful, and fragile body rise up and down with the assistance of the ventilator. I stood there for I don't know how long.. until a nurse brought me a chair. And then I sat there... and sat there... and sat there... it felt like it had been minutes, but in reality it was 2 hours. There were so many thoughts going through my head. I played every scenario in my head. I fantasized about walking out of the hospital with her in the carrier, headed to pick up Nate and Abbie to spend our first night at home as a complete family. And I thought about walking out of the hospital without her. I didn't know anything about planning a funeral especially one for my baby. Songs ran through my mind. Plans. I was making plans for an outcome I knew nothing about. I decided to pray. I prayed that God would hold these little babies in his hands and comfort them and love them as only he could. I prayed that he hold all the doctors and nurses in his hands as our children were in their care. My baby wasn't the only one in the NICU and as far as I knew, my baby wasn't the worst off. So I made sure I prayed for all the babies. I still do, I pray for all the babies and their parents and the doctors and the nurses. I pray for all support of the families who are going through health crisis'.

Today I am thankful for many things. But mostly I am thankful for the power of prayer. I'm thankful for everyone who believes in prayer and prayed for all of my children while they were in the hospital and sick. I'm thankful for 3 beautiful, bright, and healthy kids that will know they are miracles in this unfair and sometimes cruel world. That they are lights at the end of the tunnel.

December 5, 2012

I am thankful for Duck Dynasty. I know... I know.. it's silly, but seriously... I was in the hospital from last Thursday until Sunday at a hospital without internet access and limited tv. One of the channels, however, was A&E, where there was a Duck Dynasty marathon. I've never watched the show before and had no desire although some of my friends and my brother love it. So I turned it on and began to watch and within the first 2 minutes I was laughing hysterically. That show is the funniest show I have seen in a looooooong time. Si is my favorite. I would marry him if I could. And if it weren't for the show and the marathon on I would have been bored to death. Thank you A&E, thank you Robertson family, and thank you Si for making my hospital stay laughable.

November 27, 28, 29, and 30, 2012. December 1, 2,3, and 4, 2012

I'm starting to slack, but in my defense, I have been in the hospital fighting an infection and the hospital I was at didn't have internet. I would have had Tim fill in, but I didn't think about asking him and I was so far behind by the time I thought about it, I decided to wait and I would make a list of 8 things I was thankful for in one post. 1. I am thankful for antibiotics. 2. I am thankful for chocolate. 3. I am thankful that Tim was able to work while I was in the hospital. 4. I am thankful that I decided to test drive Santa's toys. 5. I am thankful that I didn't have to be jabbed a gazillion times for an I.V. 6. I am thankful that my blood pressure is regulating itself and I'm needing less and less medicine to keep it up. 7. I am thankful that I was able to go grocery shopping yesterday. 8. I am thankful that today, I felt good and got all that I wanted to get accomplished. And tomorrow I will resume with what I'm thankful for with a story to follow. I hope.

November 26, 2012

Today I'm thankful for my sweet boy, Nate. I wasn't feeling well earlier and laid down on the couch. Nate came over to me and started rubbing my head and said, "Mama, I know you not feel good, but I sersty." I got up and fixed him something to drink and laid back down. He took a few drinks, came back over to me, kissed my head and said, "I love you". And walked away to play. He can give me a run for my money, but times like that make it worth it. He takes such good care of me and I love him so much.

November 23, 24, and 25, 2012

Friday I was thankful for insulin. Without it I wouldn't of been able to eat the delicious food that was offered to me over the Thanksgiving holiday and it was delicious. My dad made a ham and squash casserole (which is my favorite) and green beans and rolls. It was soooooo good. I made the macaroni and cheese and it was delicious. It's a Paula Deen crockpot recipe that she calls Creamy Macaroni and Cheese. It's a lot of prep work so I only make it on holidays and I never have any left over. If it wasn't for the insulin I wouldn't be able to eat at all, as a matter of fact I probably would have died within days of being diagnosed. Insulin has been developed and I'm able to eat the good food without hesitation. O.k. maybe a little hesitation, but not much.

Saturday I was thankful for Black Friday sales. I did all of my "Santa" shopping online, but I took advantage of the sales on Saturday and Sunday. I got a lot of things for me without spending a lot of money. I got new shoes and a couple of sweaters. I was surprised at my choices. I usually wear a lot of black and although my shoes are tan, a nice neutral color, the sweaters I bought were pink and bright blue. Maybe I'm coming out of my shell.

Sunday I was thankful for my new found energy and time with my kids. I took Nate and Abbie to the mall to the indoor playground they have. We went shopping before hand which they allowed with the promise of playing on the playground when I finished. It felt good to be able to walk and shop and then take them there and not be overly tired as soon as we stepped in the designated area. I haven't been able to do that in such a long time. I look forward to more days like that.

November 22, 2012

Today is Thanksgiving and rather than writing about one thing I am thankful for, I'm going to list a few things. My family. They are a huge support. My husband. My children. My mom for giving me a new kidney. My doctors because they keep me healthy. My friends. Everyone who has come in and out of my life because they have shaped me into the person I am today. Black friday, because it's fun (in my opinion). My new found energy. A roof over my head. Food on the table. Nap times. Bed times. Chocolate. Time. Shoes. Macaroni and cheese. Chuck E Cheese. Showers. Autumn days and summer nights. There are a lot more things I am thankful for, but I still have 349 posts to write.

November 21, 2012

I am thankful for my friend, Emily. She has seen me when I have been at my worst. She has held my hand through some painful procedures and been there when I have needed someone. She was with me when Anna was born, she has slept in uncomfortable positions in a chair beside my bed when I have been in the hospital. She is not just my friend, she is my sister. She loves my children as her own and they love her. We met through myspace. We had a mutual friend and I had visited her page before, but never thought we would talk or meet or anything.  It was towards the end of August when I received a private message from her asking about my babies and their prematurity. Her daughter had been born prematurely in August and Abbie was born the same year in June and like any mother, she was scared to death. She reached out to me for advice and I told her my story. We clicked and have been friends ever since. I thank God for her and our friendship.

November 20, 2012

Today I am thankful for being able to learn lessons, even if I have to learn them the hard way. For example, my kids don't really eat anything sugary. I mean, I give them a fun sized candy bar pretty regularly and they drink diet coke on occasion, but that's about it. We don't really eat cake. Ice cream is an occasional summer treat. And I give them sugar free popsicles. They get Little Debbie snack cakes for snack (go figure) and they eat doughnuts for breakfast every now and then, but the only time they eat anything with frosting are on birthdays and even then I typically take the frosting off before they eat it. The reason is because it's one of the worst things for a diabetic and guess what I am... diabetic. My mom made strawberry cupcakes with confetti frosting this weekend for Anna's birthday. Strawberry happens to be my favorite kind of cake and add vanilla frosting and I'm heaven. She sent us home with a bunch of cupcakes and a jar of confetti frosting (I love my mommy more than words can express). Yesterday, I wanted one and so did Anna and so did Abbie. I put a little frosting on thme and we divulged in the heavenly sweetness. I decided to take bites of frosting with every bite of cake. And so did Anna. And so did Abbie. And we ate a total of 5 cupcakes between us. Each bite having frosting. They had never had so much frosting in their life and they never will again as long as they live under my roof. They were literally climbing the walls. They were running and screaming and laughing and talking and jumping and falling and spinning in circles and driving me crazy. Bedtime was harder than usual with them up and playing intermittently during the night. I'm talking, they were playing at 1, 3, and 5. About 5:30, they were out and I was getting an unhappy Abbie ready for school at 7. She was tired and whiny and crying and didn't want anyone to talk to her or touch her. She didn't want to be held and she didn't want to be put down. She was impossible. The culprit? Frosting. I was going to get Anna ready for school, but I couldn't wake her up and since she doesn't have to go as early as Nate and Abbie, I left the task to be handled by Tim. He said it was almost impossible to get her ready. That she was upset. Guess what she was doing when I picked her up from school... sleeping. They said she had been tired all day. The culprit? Frosting. Abbie's teacher said she had a pretty good day, but had a hard morning. I am glad I'm able to see the negative effect frosting had on my girls and learn the lesson to never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever give them frosting again.

November 19, 2012

Today I am thankful my new port. Last Wednesday, I had minor outpatient surgery to have a port placed so that I could receive IV fluids at home. It didn't take long and out of all the procedures I have had, I think this one hurt the least. Little did I know, though, that it would be used so quickly. Thursday came around and I wasn't feeling very well. Tim made the decision to stay home with me. I slept most of the morning and at 11:30, I stood up and got really dizzy. Tim said that I said "Oh, gosh", put my head in my hands and started convulsing. He happened to be close to me and said that I became stiff, my back arched and started to shake all over and he laid me in the floor where I stopped. I remember waking up in the floor and wondering how I got there. I remember hearing Tim talking and telling someone what he had witnessed. I wasn't able to speak and I was out of it. All I remember his hearing voices, being asked questions, and wanting to talk but nothing coming out of my mouth. I remember being at the hospital and Emily being there and it taking me forever to process questions and it taking me forever to answer them and even then my answers were shorter than the answers I had formed in my head. I felt like I was moving in slow motion while everything around me was moving in super turbo fast speed. The ER doctor determined that I had had a full blown seizure, and ordered IV fluids. The best thing was going through all of that and not being stuck a gazillion times for an IV. They pressed a couple of times on the place where the port is and that was it. They drew blood and gave me fluids within minutes. I have never had blood drawn and fluids given without a fair amount pain before hand due to an IV. I am in love with my port. And I have to say... I rock this port.

November 17 and 18, 2012

On Saturday, I am thankful for friends that called Tim and invited him to play ballywall... or whatever. I think it's called wallyball, but I call it "ballywall... or whatever". He got out of the house Saturday morning and got some much needed guy time. He came home and was in such a good mood. He encourages me to go out with my friends and typically I do a couple of times a month, but he always stays home. He rarely go anywhere and does anything without at least one of the kids. It makes me feel bad because I know I feel better after a few hours out without the kids, but he insists that he stay home or if he does go out (and I don't mean go out to eat or with friends, I mean go to the grocery store) he usually takes one or two of the kids. He's an awesome dad and wonderful husband, but he needs to get out and have time to himself. All adults do and I was thankful he got that time on Saturday.

Sunday... if you couldn't tell by my previous post.. I am thankful for precious Annaboo and being able to have a happy celebration for her 2nd Birthday. We weren't sure if she was going to have one birthday to celebrate happily and now she has had 2. She is an amazing little girl and I am thankful to be able to celebrate each of her milestones with her.