I Just Don't Understand...

I have a friend who has been trying to get pregnant for quite sometime and I can't tell you how much I wish I could give her the gift of fertility. I seem to be able to get pregnant just by saying the word and she, bless her heart, can't. I can get pregnant but could die if I do again and she, a young and healthy young woman who would be a wonderful mother can't. It seems like a waste to give me the gift and not her. Why does God do that? I don't understand at all. It would make more sense for me to be infertile since pregnancy endangers my life and the life of my unborn child and give her the gift since she would be able to (as far as we know) carry the baby without any problem. I don't understand. I don't understand. God... I don't understand.

Merry Christmas

I was hoping for an eventful Christmas filled with baking and cooking. Decorations and wrapping and spending nights home with my family. Nate started getting what we thought was a cold on sunday. He had a runny nose and a cough, no big deal, or so I thought. On monday, we noticed Nate wasn't feeling well at all. He had a rough night sunday night, he couldn't get comfortable and didn't sleep very well. He was throwing up everything he was eating and drinking. About 10:30am he fell asleep in the recliner and we noticed his irregular breathing. He would stop breathing for 10 - 15 seconds and then he would start gasping for air. I saw him do this twice, Tim had called Nate's doctor prior to him falling asleep and she is out for vacation, so I took him to the ER. He didnt wake up to put on his socks and shoes or his jacket which put me in full panic mode. The hospital is exactly 7 minutes from my house and I got there in 3. I don't know how fast I was going, my main concern was getting him help.

He was awake when we got there and we were taken to an exam room immediately. His heart rate was 160 beats per minute and his pulse ox rate was 87%. I know mine is always at 98 - 100% and reading other blogs,  I knew this wasn't a good number. He has blood work, chest x-rays, and a breathing treatment. His pulse ox remained the same. He got comfortable after is breathing treatment and fell asleep. While he was asleep his nurse told me that he was being admitted and they were going to put in an IV so he could get antibiotics and fluids. I couldn't stay in the room. I was crying as much as he was when they put in the IV, but he did very well considering his 2 1/2. He got breathing treatments and vitals taken every 3 hours the first night. He was a trooper. He would stick out his finger for the pulse ox reading and his leg so they could check his bp. He held his arm up so they could get his temperature. All without having to be asked. And when they would pack up the machines and leave the room he would say "thank you. byebye".

Tuesday was the same except he had more energy. We went for walks when he wasnt hooked up to any fluids or antibiotics. He enjoyed the walks, he would say "hi" to everyone we saw. He pressed the buttons on the elevator. He made the best out of a bad situation. At about 1am they tried to push his steroid thru the IV and it wouldn't go. The nurses and I decided to remove the IV so that he could sleep comfortably. Which he did until 5am and then he was ready to go. We watched some cartoons and I tried to get a little more sleep (tried). We got some breakfast, went for another walk, came back to the room and I fell asleep. He wandered out in the hallway and I woke up to one of the nurses fixing him some juice. I felt horrible, but she said that he was fine and was charming all the nurses in the hallway. I didnt realize how true that statement was until I took him for another walk and he ran and gave all the nurses hugs. He even ran to some of the patients who were walking about and gave them hugs too. The little old ladies loved it. I was so proud of my little boy for being so friendly. And still he wouldn't walk to go anywhere until he was holding my hand. He was released this afternoon. He is still taking his breathing treatments and is on antibiotics.

OH... why was he in the hospital?? He was in the early stages of pneumonia and has been officially diagnosed with asthma. He is now doing well and is ready for christmas. So am I. Christmas with Tim's family was going to be over here, but it was decided (without me) that it would be at my sister in law's. She made the decision without asking me first. I wanted it be at my house and it may be different if Nate was still in the hospital, but he's not and he's not contagious. His doctor said it would be fine for us to do Christmas, just to keep him away from smoking (no one in either family smokes) and away from anyone who seems to be sick. So although it would be fine to go over there for Christmas, my feelings are hurt and I've decided to cook like I was going to and spend it with my family eating and watching movies. This situation does make future christmas' predictable.. We will from now on have christmas at our house and if anyone wants to spend it with us, they can come over. And if not... so be it. We aren't going to go over to anyone else's house for a holiday if they aren't willing to come over to ours.

I am so happy to be spending Christmas at HOME with my family... TOGETHER! Not at the hospital. Praise God!!

Merry Christmas Everyone!!!

To My Andrew...

I know you were a boy. I know it in my heart. You weren't old enough for anyone else to know, but I knew. I think about you everyday and I can't but help but wonder what your personality would be like when I see your brother and sister play. They get along so well together and I wonder what it would be like to see all 3 of you playing. I miss you everyday, but somedays are worse than others especially as your due date nears. I had Nate and Abby early and I wonder if you would've made an early appearance as well, that is if I would've been able to carry you at all. I'm sorry that my body gave up. I don't expect you to understand the decision that was made, I don't even understand. I don't understand why my body shut down. I want you to know that I love you and I'll love you forever. I want you to know that I enjoy being here with your brother and sister but knowing that you are waiting for me in heaven gives me something to look forward to. You are my precious angel and I believe that you are truly an angel. I had a dream about you a few days after you were gone, I dreamed that I was sitting on the couch with Nate and Abby and I was holding a baby in my arms. I saw a blue blanket and a baby but I didnt see a face. I know that baby was you and I know it was a promise that I will see you one day. I love you bunches and bunches and I hope that you will visit me in my dreams once again.

I wonder...

We all know about those websites that you can visit when your pregnant to find out info about your baby. They tell you what week you're in, how the baby is doing, how he/she is growing, what kind of mood your loved ones can expect you to be in, and how you are probably feeling as your belly expands. I try not to check those and I've done really well until my interest was perked realizing that it's been 3 months since my procedure and 3 months until my due date. I found out that right about now I would be in nesting mode. I found this interesting because I am in nesting mode. I've been cleaning my house like crazy. Going thru boxes, throwing tons of trash away, getting the babies clothes together to either donate or pass onto friends. I've been itching to clean out my garage. And when one of my favorite pregnancy websites said I was to be nesting it made me wonder if I was nesting. Is my mind still in preggo mode and I'm acting as if I'm still pregnant? Probably not. I've always been crazy about my house being, in the least, picked up. I like to be organized, I always have. And with the holidays around the corner, it would make sense that everything should be cleaned out. I mean, I need some place to put new toys and clothes. But there is a part of me that thinks that the procedure was a dream and that I'm still pregnant with Baby Boo. And then my fantasy is interrupted with reality after only a split second of imagining. It's ok though, my reality is one day I'll be in heaven with my baby and for now I'm enjoying my babies here on earth.

Fight For Preemies

I have seen 2 sides of the NICU. I have seen the bright side, where my baby although was born early, was born healthy enough to go home after a few light treatments for jaundice. I also saw the scary side, where my baby was born too early and struggled with things that we do unconsciously, such as breathing. Her organs weren't developed enough to handle milk that I had nursed, she received nutrients through an IV with a fluid called TPN. The NICU had to special order her diapers because the preemie sized were too big. I saw my baby fight for her life from the get go. We are so blessed to have our daughter home and healthy. Bright eyed with a smile that would melt a heart made of stone, many parents aren't as lucky. Many parents see 'prematurity' listed as one of the primary reasons of death on the death certificate of their child.

No parent, no mother, no family should have to endure the pain and heartache of having a premature baby. No child should have to fight for their life. We all deserve to have a healthy baby and a healthy start.

I recently found out that more than half of premature births, the doctors have no idea what happened. With Nate, I developed preaclampsia. With Abby, no clue... and I didnt go into labor, I didn't develop preaclampsia, my body simply couldn't handle being pregnant and the doctors don't know why and couldn't stop it.

Premature birth jeopardizes the lives and health of nearly half-million babies each year. It is the #1 killer of newborns and can lead to lifelong disabilities. Worse: the number has increased 31 percent since 1981. That's scary. With all the medical advances we have made since 1981, we can't seem to decrease the number of premature births in America.

That's why it's up to us... The parents... the people who have been affected by a child born too soon to fight. So that the ones who haven't been affected, aren't. Educate yourself if you are an expecting parent. Don't go into your pregnancy blindly, hanging on every word of your doctor. Knowledge is power and you are in control of your life and your babies life.

Thanksgiving

I am excited about the upcoming holidays. I love the food on Thanksgiving and we have been invited to a friend's house. This friend is 1 of my best friends out of the 2 best friends that I have. She has a huge family that have adopted me and my family as one of their own. They spend the day before Thanksgiving cooking. Literally, all day. They start at 10am and usually aren't done until 8 or 9pm. I have heard stories of this day, but this year I get to participate and help cook. I'm not sure how that is going to go over in a kitchen already filled with 4 women. I'll probably entertain the kids so that they can cook. And then Thursday you get to endulge in the product that was produced on Wednesday. And I have been over for Thanksgiving before and OMG the food is amazing.

The most fun for me, though, is the time together spent cooking. My family is a bit seperated. My Dad's Thanksgiving will be on Wednesday. We are to be there at 7pm. But that's when the food is ready. If you ask about being their earlier to help he'll say you can come, but that he doesn't need help. Which is true. Last year, when we arrived about an hour before the food was ready, my stepsisters were in the kitchen helping. And it became awkward when I went into the kitchen. So I left the room, I didn't want the awkward tension to reflect in the food.

My Mom's Thanksgiving consists of Thanksgiving breakfast at my house. She gets up early and fixes breakfast for my brother and my family. She cooks breakfast, because she goes to her boyfriend's house about 2pm to cook Thanksgiving for them and her boyfriend's son. We aren't ever invited, not that we would want to go because my brother and I aren't fans of him. But considering she has always put other people before her and her family, this isn't a shock. This was also the way Thanksgiving happened last year.

I'm not complaining by any means, at least I have a family. But it just amazes me how a friend's family is more of my family than my own family is. I feel out of place and awkward at my Dad's and nothing special at my Mom's and I'm excited about Amanda's. Shouldn't it be reversed?

Where Has The Time Gone?

It feels like forever since I've blogged. But I honestly don't have time anymore. I work Friday thru Tuesday from 10pm - 630am and I go to school Tuesday thru Friday from 8:30am - 4:30pm. When I get home, all I want to do is spend time with Nate and Abby and go to bed. I've even found myself going to bed before them. But I'm enjoying keeping myself busy. I've also made some great friends at school that have indirectly helped me cope. I don't put my personal life out there. I talk to everyone about personal experiences that pertain to the topic, but I don't start a conversation. I join into conversations that are already taking place. There have been a few that have experienced miscarriages and listening to them talk about their situation and how they have coped has helped me.

Nate and Abby are doing great. We went trick or treating on Halloween. We didn't go to any houses. Our church put on a trunk and treat in the parking lot. That's where members decorate the trunk of their car's and pass out candy to everyone who comes by. Same concept as trick or treating but a lot less walking. It was best for us seeing it was almost freezing Halloween. They dressed up as a Titan football player and cheerleader. They were too cute. I don't have pics downloaded yet, but I will.

Abby is now walking. It's too cute because she is still really wobbly. We are still working with a therapist on her motor skills. Nate is talking up a storm now and it's wonderful. They are growing up so fast. Abby is also showing a speech delay, she will be attending the Child Development Center starting February.

I'm excited with the holidays coming up. I've got almost all of the family taken care of as far as gifts, I just need to buy for Nate and Abby. I have a list of what I want to get them, this way I can buy for them a little at a time. We've bought their big gift from Santa, now it's just getting the odd and end pieces.

That's the gist of what's been happening around here. Not too much outside of school and work, just spending time with my family... watching the babies grow up.