Wednesday, October 27, 2010

23 Weeks and Counting...

That's right... I have (hopefully) 10 - 12 weeks left until I meet Baby Anna. Dr. Love is still hoping for a 34 weeker, but of course we could have a 30 weeker. Time has flown by. I thought I had prepared myself, mentally, for another baby and I realized on Sunday that I hadn't. My dad called and asked me about Christmas. Christmas?? I told him I couldn't talk about Christmas right now because I still had Halloween and Thanksgiving to think about. He so politely reminded me that Halloween was a week away and Thanksgiving is less than a month away. And then it hit me. That if my body turns on me we could have Anna here in a little over a month. (Body please don't turn on me). I mean, if I'm being realistic, Anna could be born before Christmas. I can't think about that. I can't think about the holidays. I called Tim as I was having a panic attack. I don't think he realized I was having a panic attack as he told me that he was trying to cope with the thought that I may be in the hospital over the holidays.. SAY WHAT??? That's not possible. I can't be in the hospital over the holidays. I have to be home to see Nate and Abbie open their gifts from Santa. I have how Christmas will play out if Anna is born, but not if I'm still in the hospital.

I, of course, won't be doing any cooking or entertaining... on Christmas Eve, I'm going to go visit Anna and take gifts for Nate and Abbie (the ones that are from Anna) there to put under her crib. I'm going to spend time with her and love on her as much as I possibly can. I will come home to go to Tim's family. I will show pictures of Anna and play with Nate and Abbie as well as my nieces and nephews. That night will be spent getting everything prepared for Santa. And of course making sure Santa has put everything out for them. Christmas morning, we will wake up and let Nate and Abbie open up their gifts and play before getting ready to go to my Dad's. We will go eat breakfast over there and spend time with that side of my family. We are usually done about 10 or 11am in the past and hopefully that will stay true. I then want to leave and I want to pick up my Mom and hopefully Bubba (my brother) and Sissy (his girlfriend) and head to Nashville to see Anna. Nate and Abbie will help her open her gifts and they will open the gifts from Anna. And of course there will be lots of pictures taken. I want to spend as much time with Anna as I can. It's a long drive back and forth to Nashville from where we live which is why I hope my Mom, Bubba, and Sissy can come. Hopefully they'll take Nate and Abbie to the NICU visiting room so I can stay with Anna or maybe even take them home so they can play with their new toys. I hope it doesn't sound like I'm trying to spend more time with Anna than with Nate and Abbie. I'm hoping to evenly divide my time and spend Christmas morning with them and Christmas afternoon with Anna. Of course I want Nate and Abbie to be included in that time, but their attention span is limited and there isn't much to do in the NICU.

Again, that's how I have it planned in my head, but it may play out differently. But either way, I'm not planning on being in the hospital over Christmas. Hopefully Dr. Love can keep me in good health until after the holidays.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Fear Has Intensified

My fear of Anna being born early has done just that... intensified. It seems like every week that passes, the fear becomes worse to where I feel like I can't breathe. It doesn't help that I've had to cancel 3 appointments with Dr. Love because I am without my car. My mom is letting me borrow hers, but I don't feel comfortable driving it to Nashville. I haven't had my 20 week ultrasound yet. I'm only 21 weeks, but I haven't heard her heartbeat in 4 weeks now. I can feel her move and that's been reassuring, but I need the ultrasound. It's like a drug. I'm so scared of something being wrong and going this long without a doctor's appointment is driving me crazy. I feel anxious ALL THE TIME! It's enough to drive a person crazy. I think my antidepressants are helping me keep my sanity though. Thank goodness I need them to also keep me from vomiting.

Last night I had a dream that Anna was born. Like now. 4 months early. But she was big and healthy. She didn't have to go to the NICU. She was born already smiling and she had dimples and she was bald. We were in some kind of store and I was carrying her around while shopping. I also had a dream about my bank account and fixing myself something to drink. It was a crazy night for dreams I suppose. I'm excited about having another girl. Abbie is my cuddle bug and I love it when she wakes up and drags her blanket and her bunny into the living room and crawls up in my lap to snuggle. It's the best time. My hope is that she will want to snuggle with "baby sister" when she is born. Nate loves Abbie. He hugs her and kisses her whenever she'll let him. It's so sweet, I know he's going to be the best big brother to sister and baby sister, but I worry about Abbie. She's so used to getting all the attention and I don't want to take that from her or have her feel that mommy doesn't have as much time for her. I know it will all work out and they will all love each other.