Seriously! Be Happy!

I'm now in my 6th week of pregnancy if my calculations are right. And so far so good. I am extremely moody (get over it) and I'm getting frequent headaches. But nothing else. Let's hope it stays that way. Tim and I have only told a handful of people besides the people who know on the blog (and if I know you on a personal level, please keep hush hush about my secret).

The reactions of the people we have told face to face have driven me to not tell anyone else, but have people ask if I'm pregnant and answer instead. It seems like the only people who are being supportive are my online/blog friends. And maybe it's because I don't see your faces to see your intial reaction to the news, but I don't appreciate the reactions of the ones that I trusted to be happy for us and have actually reacted poorly. A baby is a blessing. I don't care who you are. And yes there is danger and concern involved, especially since I've had 2 preemies, but that's going to be true in any pregnancy. But do you look at a healthy 25 year old who tells you that they are pregnant and gasp? I never have. But people seem to look at me, a 26 year old with less than perfect health who has given birth to 2 premature babies and I see mouth's drop, I hear disbelief in their voices, and it's only after I say I'm going to do the best I can to make sure my child is healthy (after they ask what I'm gonna do) that I get a Congratulations. My mother in law actually looked at my husband (me beside her) and asked, 'do you think that's a good idea?'. Screw if it's a good idea or not! Too late to think about what kind of idea it's going to be, it's done! My eggo is preggo! But don't worry, I will be getting my tubes tied once Baby Boo is born. Maybe then I'll get a 'Congratulations'.

Everyone has said, you gotta take care of yourself now, how am I not taking care of myself? Do I not follow my dr.'s orders? Do I not do something that I should? My doctor will vouch that I'm doing everything I can to be healthy... pregnant or not. Hell, I'm even taking that stinkin prenatal vitamin that makes me want to puke. There is nothing more or less I can do. I go to my appointments every 3 months, I take all of his suggestions to heart, and I do everything he says to do. Now did he want me to get pregnant, probably not. Especially since he would ask if I was sterile yet at my previous visits. But he will see me through this has he has with Nate and Abby.

I understand everyone's concern and I appreciate it, but let me be concerned. You be happy, I'll be concerned. What's it gonna help if you worry? Nothing, you've only pissed me off with your good intentions. What's it gonna help if your happy? Everything. I feed off what other people think and so far I can't get happy about being pregnant, because no one else is. At least no one that I see on a regular basis.

Don't get me wrong. I'm happy. I'm ecstatic. I wanted another baby, maybe not so soon after Abby, but I'll take what I can get. I'm full of joy I just wish others would share my joy with me.

Good News

I'm Pregnant with Baby #3! I'm not announcing it officially yet, but I figured I could blog about it. We found out on Sunday when I took a test to rule it out (remember last month when I thought I was, but wasn't). I was shocked at first. Then I was scared, then terrified. But after having 2 days to digest it, I'm happy. It's been uneventful so far. which kinda of makes me think that I might not be.. but when 3 tests show "PREGNANT" you tend to think you are. The last 2 times I was already experiencing morning sickness. I hate that term, morning sickness, it's not even close to the truth. It should be called All Day Everyday Until The Baby is Born, Gut Wrenching, Blood Curdling, Hair Pulling Upchuck Disease. But that's my opinion. But again, none of that right now. I'm extremely tired, that's all I feel. I'm only 5 weeks so I have plenty of time to develop those more severe symptoms, but I'm enjoying the uneventfulness right now.

I couldn't even tell Tim, I just showed him the test. His eyes got big and he got a big smile on his face. I started crying.. I told him that this wasn't happy. My baby is still a baby. I mean truly. When baby boo is born, they will probably be in the same size clothes. That is if I carry full term. That's another thing that scares me. I'm 0 for 2 right now when it comes to carrying a baby to term. Nate was born early b/c of preaclampsia. We were prepared for preaclampsia with Abby, but she came for reasons still unknown. I guess 3rd times a charm, right? There was a lot going on when I was pregnant with Abby. Tim lost his job right after we found out I was pregnant. Then my car was repoed and our house was foreclosed on. We were victims of the economic crisis. We are now in a better place. We both work from home and it's a stable job with great pay and benefits. We have the house that we've always wanted. We have 2 vehicles which we are going to trade in for 1 van. Since we work for the same employer, we don't see the need to have 2 vehicles anymore.

We are in a much better place now than we were. We will take it day to day and embrace whatever happens.

Abby's Birthday...

is today. I can't believe she is 1 year old. All week I have played the events that happened a year ago back in my head. Meeting with the perinatologist. My endoscopy. Ultrasounds and monitoring every day. Pic line in my arm. Steroid Cocktail. You get the picture. In my mind it happened a lot faster than a week, but that might be because I slept occassionally those days. And now, it's finally the day. The day she was born. The day I became so sick and the doctor said he felt confident in our survival. I am so very glad she is here, but I still wish I could've cooked her a little longer. I wish she would've come out healthier. I am very blessed that she came out as healthy as she did, but I still think about if she had been born closer to August rather than June.

Shoulda, coulda, woulda.. I suppose.

We had a plan all worked out. I hadn't but was going to schedule my c-section for August 18th. That was Tim's sister's (Susan) anniversary and she had lost her husband the year before. We thought that would make August 18th happy for her again. I had already bought the dress I was bringing Abby home in. I was knitting her baby blanket. I was so excited about having my little girl. I was making plans and enjoying my pregnancy. And then I got sick. I remember thinking that it was happening again. I remember worrying about Nate and what he was going to do without Mommy. I worried about our bills. Tim was laid off, I was the only one bringing in a paycheck. I couldn't get sick again. It couldn't happen. But it dead and although it didn't last as long as it did with Nate, it hit me stronger than with Nate and nothing was stopping it. I remember the technicians looking at the ultrasound and saying, she weighs 1lb. 14 oz. we gotta try to keep her in one more day. I knew they were right, but I was dying. I felt it. Little by little I felt myself leaving the world. Each day was easier and harder at the same time. Easier to let go and harder to stay. Until the cocktail that made all my problems go away, yet could start new problems. I went home on TPN and a pic line. I was to have a nurse come to my house each day for blood work and to maintain my pic line. I never used that nurse. I came home for 2 days just to go back and hear that they've tried everything in the aresanol and they needed us to make a decision.

And out came a beautiful 2lb 10.25oz, 15 in. baby girl named Abigail Faith. She was the smallest most cutest baby ever and I loved her from the get go, although I tried to keep myself from getting too attached. I am completely attached now. I hold her tight and spoil her rotten. She's the sweetest thing ever and I love her very much. Happy Birthday Shortcake

Abigail Faith

I was looking thru pictures the other day after Abby's EI therapist finger painted Abby's foot and I realized how big it had gotten. When Abby was first born, a NICU nurse had finger painted her hands and feet. I looked through my pictures in order to find the finger paintings and compare. I found it and I can't believe the difference. I started looking through all of my pictures and found a few that shows how small she was. I am still filled with emotions when I think about that day and the 6 weeks that followed. I look at some pictures and feel happy. Happy that she made it and she was as healthy as she was. I feel scared. Scared that I was going to get a call saying that she had passed. I feel guilty. Guilty that I wasn't able to carry her full-term. I feel angry. Angry that I wasn't able to experience the joy of going into labor, of feeling my water break, of holding my babies when they were first born, of nursing, that my babies had to go through so much pain. I still get flooded with these emotions, but I realize how blessed I am to have had them come home at all. Right now is just one of those times that I feel cheated and flooded.

Sitting Outside...

It's about 7am and I just got off work. I'm not really tired so I folded up my netbook and decided to sit outside on my deck and blog. About what I don't know. There is so much I could say I suppose but I am completely left breathless by the beauty of the wilderness that I call my backyard that I am speechless. The babies and hubby are asleep and I hope they enjoy their rest as I enjoy mine. My puppies have joined me and are walking around the deck aimlessly taking in the morning smells. I'm not sure what they smell, but I smell dew mixed with the sweet and bitterness of last night's cold air although I feel a pleasant temperature. I can think of a million things I need to do inside like unload the dishwasher, start a load of clothes, sweep the floors, I could even fix my loving family breakfast. But I won't. I'm going to sit here and enjoy quiet.

Ettiquette

There is something that really bothers me.. I work in a call center type enviroment. I love my job, I love talking on the phone and assisting people with their needs. However, I am not in customer service, but I can perform SOME customer service functionalities (notice I said SOME. NOT all) so I still get those type of calls. And here are some rules I think everyone should abide by when calling customer service or calling a 1 800 # in general for assistance:

1. Be Polite. The person you are talking to is a person too and I'm sure they have been in a similar situation you find yourself in.

2. Don't call just because you don't like something. People who work in call centers have high service levels meaning there are lots of people who call in. And if you are calling in just because you don't like the color of something or you found the presentation lacking, you are taking time away from those customers who have legit issues that need to be worked out. Complain to your friends, tell your dog, even blog about it. But don't call in just to state your difference in opinion.

3. If your one of those calling in who waited what seemed like forever before you were able to talk to an actual person, I am sorry, but don't go on and on about how long you waited. What seems like a 1 or 2 minutes of complaining can turn out to be 8 or 10 minutes when your issue could've been resolved in 3. That's inconsiderate of the people, who like yourself, are waiting to speak to an actual person.

4. Answer the questions you are asked simply. If more information is needed we will ask you for it. Every answer doesn't need a story behind it.

It's Crazy Around Here

We went to the zoo on Saturday and had so much fun. Nate loved the animals and Abby just laid back and relaxed. It was awesome. We were all exhausted going home and Nate refused to go to sleep. He cried all the way home (lovely). I slept almost all day on sunday. That was nice and then on Monday night my sugar crashed and I had a seizure and went into a comatose state. The babies were in bed (thank goodness) and Tim was at work. So I was by myself and I'm not sure what all happened, but I know that I didn't feel good.

We did go to the park last thursday with my friend and had so much fun. It was good to see her, I haven't seen her probably close to 2 years. And we both have 2 kids that are about 16 months apart. She had her son first so we have a lot in common, more than we did before we were married and had kids.

Thursday we stayed home. Nate went to the CDC for the first time and had a great time. We are going to work on saying 'me' and patting our chest, as well as saying 'more' and signing for it. Right now he doesn't like it. He's very impatient and I think he thinks as we are showing him this, that we are wasting his time. But I'm sure he'll get it. He rode the bus there today and I cried as they drove away because of the fit he was throwing. It made me sad, but I know he was o.k.

Abby has started crawling, she is getting so big. She actually tried to stand by herself today. She just started crawling, literally, 2 days ago, and now wants to stand? She doesn't have any limits it doesn't look like. She is my fighter. She never gives up and I'm proud of her for that.

Let's Get This Ball Rollin'!

IE came today, Abby's therapist, so that I could sign all the intake forms for Abby. Abby starts her therapy next Wednesday. I am ecstatic about it. I know she needs it and I can't wait to see the progress I know she is going to make these next couple of months. She is trying to crawl, but it's not working out for her. IE noticed this and said that she already has a couple of ideas on how to help her. YAY! IE will be coming to our home once a week for 30 minutes for Abby and she'll get reassessed in 1 year. I'm ok with that. I sure hope their isn't anymore paper work to fill out, gees, there's a lot.

IE brought CD (teacher from the Child Development Center aka CDC) with her so that I could sign the intake paperword for Nate as well. I tell you, it's as bad as buying a house. CD said that Nate could start coming to the CDC thursday. Thursday? Really? Wow, that was quick considering how long it took to get to this point. He's going to ride the bus there starting next week :( My baby is a big boy. It makes me sad to think about. I've been staying home with them for 10 months now. I've seen him grow and learn. I play with him outside and we put the dogs out together. We clean together. And now there is going to be 2 days a week, 2.5 hours a day, that he won't be with me :( Makes me wanna cry. On the bright side, he'll be with kids his own age with developmental problems and one of his teachers is a speech pathologist (WC). WC called me today and said that she will work with him when she could at the CDC, but she will actually be able to take him on a regular basis at the end of July. So he'll get one on one speech therapy. Thank Goodness. I'm ready to get this potty training thing going. I have done a little potty training with him, but because of his lack of communication skills he doesn't get the entire concept.

Tomorrow is a busy day. I'm taking Nate and Abby to the park for a playdate. I love going on field trips with them, especially here recently. I feel like I have more energy here recently and I'm getting cabin fever. There are actually quite a few things I have to do tomorrow. I gotta take Reese (pomeranian) to get his summer shave. Playdate. Nate needs a haircut something fierce. He looks like a ragamuffin. And then I was supposed to have a dr.'s appointment on thursday, but since it's Nate's first day at "school", I'm going to reschedule. So thursday would be another good day for the park, discovery center, or hmmm, the zoo sounds fun.

Rambling...

It's is officially the Month of June. I can't believe it. June. In 21 days my baby will be 1. I'm still trying to process that she will be 1. I find myself watching her and thinking she is only 5 months old, she's not 1. Despite the way she acts and looks, it just doesn't feel like it's been that long ago that we were in the hospital watching fetal monitors, puking in buckets, getting poked and prodded on an hourly basis, and waking up every hour for stats (this includes 12am-8am, you'd think they'd cut you a break, but no). It will be one year on June 6th that I was first admitted to the hospital. That is surreal to me. I know it might seem crazy, but I like to remember days and compare to what I did last year to what I did on those days this year.

I've been taking the kids to the park a lot here lately. We went 3 times this week. Nate loves the slide. He does what I call the 'superman' down it and thinks it's the funniest thing in the world. When he gets tired he heads to the swings. I did the same thing when I was young. I still have yet to take them to the strawberry farm to pick strawberries, but I do think I will wait til next year when Abby can walk. Tim works a crazy schedule right now and I will have to take them by myself, and that's hard with a 2 and 1 yr old. But we will definitely go during the fall to the corn maze and to pick pumpkins. That's fun too and Tim will be at new job working stable hours.