Tuesday, December 29, 2009

I Just Don't Understand...

I have a friend who has been trying to get pregnant for quite sometime and I can't tell you how much I wish I could give her the gift of fertility. I seem to be able to get pregnant just by saying the word and she, bless her heart, can't. I can get pregnant but could die if I do again and she, a young and healthy young woman who would be a wonderful mother can't. It seems like a waste to give me the gift and not her. Why does God do that? I don't understand at all. It would make more sense for me to be infertile since pregnancy endangers my life and the life of my unborn child and give her the gift since she would be able to (as far as we know) carry the baby without any problem. I don't understand. I don't understand. God... I don't understand.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Merry Christmas

I was hoping for an eventful Christmas filled with baking and cooking. Decorations and wrapping and spending nights home with my family. Nate started getting what we thought was a cold on sunday. He had a runny nose and a cough, no big deal, or so I thought. On monday, we noticed Nate wasn't feeling well at all. He had a rough night sunday night, he couldn't get comfortable and didn't sleep very well. He was throwing up everything he was eating and drinking. About 10:30am he fell asleep in the recliner and we noticed his irregular breathing. He would stop breathing for 10 - 15 seconds and then he would start gasping for air. I saw him do this twice, Tim had called Nate's doctor prior to him falling asleep and she is out for vacation, so I took him to the ER. He didnt wake up to put on his socks and shoes or his jacket which put me in full panic mode. The hospital is exactly 7 minutes from my house and I got there in 3. I don't know how fast I was going, my main concern was getting him help.

He was awake when we got there and we were taken to an exam room immediately. His heart rate was 160 beats per minute and his pulse ox rate was 87%. I know mine is always at 98 - 100% and reading other blogs,  I knew this wasn't a good number. He has blood work, chest x-rays, and a breathing treatment. His pulse ox remained the same. He got comfortable after is breathing treatment and fell asleep. While he was asleep his nurse told me that he was being admitted and they were going to put in an IV so he could get antibiotics and fluids. I couldn't stay in the room. I was crying as much as he was when they put in the IV, but he did very well considering his 2 1/2. He got breathing treatments and vitals taken every 3 hours the first night. He was a trooper. He would stick out his finger for the pulse ox reading and his leg so they could check his bp. He held his arm up so they could get his temperature. All without having to be asked. And when they would pack up the machines and leave the room he would say "thank you. byebye".

Tuesday was the same except he had more energy. We went for walks when he wasnt hooked up to any fluids or antibiotics. He enjoyed the walks, he would say "hi" to everyone we saw. He pressed the buttons on the elevator. He made the best out of a bad situation. At about 1am they tried to push his steroid thru the IV and it wouldn't go. The nurses and I decided to remove the IV so that he could sleep comfortably. Which he did until 5am and then he was ready to go. We watched some cartoons and I tried to get a little more sleep (tried). We got some breakfast, went for another walk, came back to the room and I fell asleep. He wandered out in the hallway and I woke up to one of the nurses fixing him some juice. I felt horrible, but she said that he was fine and was charming all the nurses in the hallway. I didnt realize how true that statement was until I took him for another walk and he ran and gave all the nurses hugs. He even ran to some of the patients who were walking about and gave them hugs too. The little old ladies loved it. I was so proud of my little boy for being so friendly. And still he wouldn't walk to go anywhere until he was holding my hand. He was released this afternoon. He is still taking his breathing treatments and is on antibiotics.

OH... why was he in the hospital?? He was in the early stages of pneumonia and has been officially diagnosed with asthma. He is now doing well and is ready for christmas. So am I. Christmas with Tim's family was going to be over here, but it was decided (without me) that it would be at my sister in law's. She made the decision without asking me first. I wanted it be at my house and it may be different if Nate was still in the hospital, but he's not and he's not contagious. His doctor said it would be fine for us to do Christmas, just to keep him away from smoking (no one in either family smokes) and away from anyone who seems to be sick. So although it would be fine to go over there for Christmas, my feelings are hurt and I've decided to cook like I was going to and spend it with my family eating and watching movies. This situation does make future christmas' predictable.. We will from now on have christmas at our house and if anyone wants to spend it with us, they can come over. And if not... so be it. We aren't going to go over to anyone else's house for a holiday if they aren't willing to come over to ours.

I am so happy to be spending Christmas at HOME with my family... TOGETHER! Not at the hospital. Praise God!!

Merry Christmas Everyone!!!

Monday, December 14, 2009

To My Andrew...

I know you were a boy. I know it in my heart. You weren't old enough for anyone else to know, but I knew. I think about you everyday and I can't but help but wonder what your personality would be like when I see your brother and sister play. They get along so well together and I wonder what it would be like to see all 3 of you playing. I miss you everyday, but somedays are worse than others especially as your due date nears. I had Nate and Abby early and I wonder if you would've made an early appearance as well, that is if I would've been able to carry you at all. I'm sorry that my body gave up. I don't expect you to understand the decision that was made, I don't even understand. I don't understand why my body shut down. I want you to know that I love you and I'll love you forever. I want you to know that I enjoy being here with your brother and sister but knowing that you are waiting for me in heaven gives me something to look forward to. You are my precious angel and I believe that you are truly an angel. I had a dream about you a few days after you were gone, I dreamed that I was sitting on the couch with Nate and Abby and I was holding a baby in my arms. I saw a blue blanket and a baby but I didnt see a face. I know that baby was you and I know it was a promise that I will see you one day. I love you bunches and bunches and I hope that you will visit me in my dreams once again.