Monday, August 31, 2009

Healing and Horseshows

God blesses me every minute of every hour of everyday. Andrew never leaves my mind and I can't imagine that he ever will. But I know I have begun the healing process... emotionally anyway. Nate and Abby have helped a lot. I can't imagine missing out on their lives. They are constantly growing and learning and I love knowing that I am a part of that. Nate has started saying 'excuse me' when appropriate. That started this week and it's because I've encouraged him to say it after he makes rude noises. He likes to laugh when he makes those rude noises... all children do. But then he'll take a second and say 'cue mee' and it is soooo cute. Then Abby has been teething the past couple of weeks and she only wants to cuddle up to mama. No one else will do, not even daddy. And although it can get annoying at times (like when I'm trying to do laundry or cook lunch) I love it. They are the sweetest and I wouldn't miss these moments for the world.

My body, however, is still trying to recover. Despite being on antibiotics for a week after the procedure, I have a kidney infection and possible kidney stone. I went to the doctor on thursday and he gave me 2 antibiotics to clear it up. On saturday, I got sick to the point of dehydration and we went to the ER. They gave me demerol and phenagrin which worked great. The ER doc told me no working until I saw doc on monday. So I went to the doc today and he said there was a lot of blood in my urine and wanted a CT scan to see if there was a kidney stone or something more serious (I will let you know what the other possibility is when I find out if that's it or not). I go back on thursday for a diagnosis or more tests. Doc says no working. He doesn't want me to work because he wants all of my energy to go to getting rid of the infection. Til then, we are playing the waiting game.

I'm going to take Nate and Abby to The Celebration tomorrow. The Celebration is a week long horse show hosted in my town. Trainers and Walking horses from all around come and compete against each other. It's an old sport that I've been involved in since I was little. My family owns one of the most well known horse tack shops around, my dad manages it and my brother also works there. I would give trophies away when I was little. I would feel like Vanna White, wearing a beautiful gown with my hair and make-up done, showing the contestant what he or she had won. The only thing I didn't like about it was how hot it was in the center ring. Ohhhh, the memories.

Tomorrow we will go visit my dad. He has a trailer set up to sell tack to trainers who might need a few last minute things. The main store is about 15 minutes from the show grounds and having the trailer makes it convienant to the trainers and good for business. We will also be able to see the horses practicing for the show which is great, Nate will be able to watch the horses at the fence rather than in the stands and there isn't any charge, that's the best part.

Oh, and boy you are missing out if you've never had a horseshow donut. They are better than Dunkin Donuts and Krispy Kreme, but are only available during this week. You can ask anyone in town and I guarantee they'll say that's the only reason why they went to the horseshow.

Monday, August 24, 2009

What Was That?

Something happened today that I have never experienced before... I was in church, listening to the preacher, and I heard a baby cry. And then I heard voices around me. I heard someone say, "I never thought I would be one to do something like this", I hear, "I'm just so sick. I'm single and I can't take care of my daughter. I have to do it." They were the voices of the women I was around while waiting to be called back for my "procedure". I was listening to them justify their reasons for going thru with their "procedure". I fast forwarded to the room where the "procedure" was preformed. I heard the static booming out of the broken radio in my room as the nurse tried to find a working station. I heard the dr. talking. I heard the horrible sound of suction. I felt my insides crunch up and I felt sick. Then... I was nudged and I was back in church. The preacher still preaching. There weren't any other sounds except his voice. I felt my face and I was hot and tears were rolling down my face. I felt silly. I was embarrassed, but luckily, no one noticed.

I went back. I relived the day that I don't want to ever live again. I felt everything as if it just happened. I calmed down, wiped my eyes and focused on the preacher. When church was over, I walked with a quickness to get my children out of the nursery.

It feels like it was a bad dream somedays. Like it didn't happen. That's what it felt like on friday. Friday I had a post-op appointment with my ob. I was o.k. until I hit West-End. The road that leads to my dr.s office as well as to the clinic. And flashbacks of the drive there started flooding in my mind and I began to cry. I pulled into to the parking lot and was in denial. "That was just a dream. It never happened. Why would I be at my ob if it had? He is going to tell me everything is fine and schedule me for an ultrasound in 2 weeks." I walked in and rather than sitting in the waiting room, I was taken back and waited in a room for 45 minutes. He examined me and then he said the worst thing I've ever heard, "everything is back to normal. I will see you for your annual in a year." Normal?! NORMAL?? I'm not normal, normal is me being pregnant right now. So am I pregnant?, he told me no, and asked if I was o.k., I explained to him how I wanted it to be a dream. He understood, or so he says, and reiterated what had already been explained by him and my perinatologists. "Traci, you were not well. And if you weren't well, your baby wouldn't of been well. We couldn't guarantee that the baby would have lived for the duration of the pregnancy and you increased your chances of dying the longer you stayed pregnant. You made the best decision for you and your family. You've got to trust that."

I was asked if I regretted having the "procedure" done. Simple answer? No. I regret getting pregnant in the first place. I regret not taking more precautions than we did to prevent pregnancy. I regret not doing everything that we could've to prevent pregnancy. I have 98 days of regrets. Not just 1 day.

I have accepted that I will never be complete again.

Monday, August 17, 2009

You are My Sunshine, My Only Sunshine...

It seems unfair that time keeps on going and going while I want it to stand still. It's unfair that with each passing day, the physical pain keeps getting better and better and I know it's at the expense of my baby. I feel like I should be in constant physical pain so that I never forget what I had to do in order to feel as good as I do, but I guess if I really wanted to stay in pain I would've stayed pregnant... That was the worse pain I ever felt, all I wanted to do was die when I was constantly throwing up. I remember there was one day in the hospital where my nurse had called in my medicine and they were bringing it up from the pharmacy.. Well, there was a mix up somewhere and it took 3 hours to get my medicine... I never stopped throwing up in those 3 hours. There was nothing for me to throw up, yet my body kept making things to upchuck. It hurt so much, I begged my nurse to go down to the pharmacy and pick it up. She ended up giving me oral medication since they had it on the floor already instead of IV. I agreed to it, she didnt force me to take it, but I needed relief even if I was going to throw up the water I drank to get it down. It worked and I knocked out for 4 hours.

I feel like I should go through that agony at least once a day as a reminder of what I did and why I did it. I feel like a horrible person for having to do what I did just to feel better. Everyone tells me that I did what I had to do, that I wasn't selfish because I did it for my babies, but I can't help but feel guilty. Do I miss being sick? NO WAY!! Do I miss my baby? ABSOLUTELY!! I keep asking God to give me a sign that I did the right thing. That he give me comfort and he does at times, and other times I wonder how I'm gonna get through the next minute and then I remember Nate and Abby and they are how I get through every second of the day. Yet when it's just me, when I'm the only one awake, I feel sad. I feel guilty. And all I want is my baby back. I'm a nurturer, it's my nature to always want to take care of something, and I can't take care of this... I couldn't take care of my baby, I can't take care of the emotional pain, I can't control the crying, I feel like a wreck.

There are people I work with who are pregnant and are expecting grandbabies, I don't want to talk to them. I don't want to know how they are doing. I don't want hear them complain about their symptoms.. All I want to say to them is I would've traded my symptoms for theirs and wouldn't complain. And this not me at all. I feel bad for feeling this way. I really want to celebrate with them. And listen to them and maybe offer some comforting words, but I can't. I can't say anything. I just 'mute' them and don't say anything. Maybe a 'bless your heart' every now and then, but I don't mean it.

This is the worst feeling ever and I don't know what to do with it. I've never felt it. I've been through some tough things, but this by far is the hardest. I've always been able to work through whatever it was I was going through, but I can't get past this. I pray so hard that I feel like I'm going to explode. The other day I had a dr.s appointment, not with my ob, just a regular appointment with the dr. and my nightmare came true. There was about 8 women in the waiting room, no men, and they were all pregnant. This was the day after my termination, and I couldn't believe what I had just walked into. I needed my blood pressure checked so I had to stay, but they wouldn't take me on back. I had to stay in the waiting room for about 20 minutes with these women. I know it was Satan being mean to me, but it didn't make me feel any better.

I just feel lost. I feel bitter. I feel a whole bunch of negative feelings. I'm an optimistic person. I always view the glass as half full, but right now, it's empty. I really need prayer to move beyond this and heal, I don't feel like I'll ever heal. I don't feel like I'll ever see the sunshine again.

Friday, August 14, 2009

See You in My Dreams

Every night since August 11th, I have dreamed about Andrew. Yes, he has a name. No, I don't know for sure if he was a boy.. It's a feeling I have. There isn't a bone in my body that felt that the baby was a girl. I had the same feeling when I was pregnant with Nate and with Abby. Nothing about me felt like I was carrying a girl with Nate and nothing about me felt like I was having a boy with Abby. And we had names picked out within the first week of finding out I was pregnant with both and the same stands true for Andrew. His full name is Andrew Ryan McKee. Andrew is my brother's name (we call him Andy) and Ryan is Tim's middle name.

I remember reading a blog a few months ago, he was writing to his daughter about how he was told he would dream about her but that he had yet to do so since she passed. He was longing to dream about her and wanted to so much then. I, of course, at that time didn't know what he was talking about. But now I do. I have dreamed about Andrew since August 11. They are so real that when I wake up I'm looking around for him and then a second later, it hits me that I was dreaming. I woke up yesterday morning looking at the place where I had dreamed his crib was and it wasn't there. I started to panic and hit me like a 2x4 in the face 'I was only dreaming'. Last night I had another dream. Nate was behind me, Abby was pulling herself up so that she was eye level to Andrew, and I was holding him. I don't ever see his face, I just feel his presence. I know he's with me and I feel that this dream was him telling me that he's watching over all of us.

I wonder how you miss someone so much that you never met. I never held him. I never smelled him. As a matter of fact I only have 1 ultrasound picture of him, but I miss him like crazy. I don't feel complete. I'm better during the day, I guess because I'm preoccupied during the day. But at night is when I miss Andrew the most. I wonder how I'm going to get through the next minute... The next hour... the next day. I'll find a way I know. Right now, it's time for me to go to bed and have the sweetest dreams I'll ever have. I'll be seeing you sweetie... In my dreams.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Monday, August 10, 2009

In Less Than 12 Hours...

I will no longer be pregnant. I will no longer be anticipating the arrival of my 3rd born. My doctors have found it medically necessary to end my pregnancy due to my failing health. My baby is still growing and thriving, but I however, am not doing so well. And in many words, my doctors have expressed extreme concern for my well being and life if I were to procede with the pregnancy and have decided it is best to stop the progression so that I can stay healthy enough to take care of Nate and Abby.

Here is the gist of what's happening. My body doesn't handle pregnancy hormones very well. I vomit so much and am so nausceas that I become dehydrated and my blood pressure shoots up into stroke worthy numbers. I am on the max # of medications to keep the nauscea under control that they can't prescribe me blood pressure medicine and those medications don't work half the time. There is nothing more the doctors can give me to stop any of this. So they have deemed it necessary to stop the pregnancy.

I feel lost. I don't know which would be worse... To miscarry and lose the baby unexpectedly or what I'm going thru now. To schedule the loss of my baby and know when it was going to happen. Sometimes I'm ok and sometimes I'm not.. I have found comfort thinking of who is going to meet my baby in heaven when he goes. Which blessed family member is going to hold him first? Will it be my Grandmama who looked after me until I was old enough to look after her? Will it be my Uncle who loved Nate and Abby as if they were his own grandkids? Will it be someone on Tim's side of the family? No, it will be my heavenly father. It will be my God who is holding me right now in my time of pain. My child will not know earthly pain and will hopefully open the gates of heaven when I get there. And although I know this and do find comfort in the thought, I hurt. I want to be the first to hold my baby. I want to be the one to kiss his booboos. I want to open the gates of heaven for him. It is not right for a child to die before their parents and my heart always hurts for parents who have lost their children regardless of in the womb or at any given age. But I never thought I'd be the one to experience this loss. You always think 'it'll never happen to me' and then it punches you in the stomach and the only thing you can do is work thru it.