Monday, August 10, 2009

In Less Than 12 Hours...

I will no longer be pregnant. I will no longer be anticipating the arrival of my 3rd born. My doctors have found it medically necessary to end my pregnancy due to my failing health. My baby is still growing and thriving, but I however, am not doing so well. And in many words, my doctors have expressed extreme concern for my well being and life if I were to procede with the pregnancy and have decided it is best to stop the progression so that I can stay healthy enough to take care of Nate and Abby.

Here is the gist of what's happening. My body doesn't handle pregnancy hormones very well. I vomit so much and am so nausceas that I become dehydrated and my blood pressure shoots up into stroke worthy numbers. I am on the max # of medications to keep the nauscea under control that they can't prescribe me blood pressure medicine and those medications don't work half the time. There is nothing more the doctors can give me to stop any of this. So they have deemed it necessary to stop the pregnancy.

I feel lost. I don't know which would be worse... To miscarry and lose the baby unexpectedly or what I'm going thru now. To schedule the loss of my baby and know when it was going to happen. Sometimes I'm ok and sometimes I'm not.. I have found comfort thinking of who is going to meet my baby in heaven when he goes. Which blessed family member is going to hold him first? Will it be my Grandmama who looked after me until I was old enough to look after her? Will it be my Uncle who loved Nate and Abby as if they were his own grandkids? Will it be someone on Tim's side of the family? No, it will be my heavenly father. It will be my God who is holding me right now in my time of pain. My child will not know earthly pain and will hopefully open the gates of heaven when I get there. And although I know this and do find comfort in the thought, I hurt. I want to be the first to hold my baby. I want to be the one to kiss his booboos. I want to open the gates of heaven for him. It is not right for a child to die before their parents and my heart always hurts for parents who have lost their children regardless of in the womb or at any given age. But I never thought I'd be the one to experience this loss. You always think 'it'll never happen to me' and then it punches you in the stomach and the only thing you can do is work thru it.

1 comment:

Sassy said...

Traci I am so sorry. This is just devastating. I know that you are doing what you feel is best. I will pray that you will have peace with your decision, and for comfort as you go through the days ahead.