Friday, August 14, 2009

See You in My Dreams

Every night since August 11th, I have dreamed about Andrew. Yes, he has a name. No, I don't know for sure if he was a boy.. It's a feeling I have. There isn't a bone in my body that felt that the baby was a girl. I had the same feeling when I was pregnant with Nate and with Abby. Nothing about me felt like I was carrying a girl with Nate and nothing about me felt like I was having a boy with Abby. And we had names picked out within the first week of finding out I was pregnant with both and the same stands true for Andrew. His full name is Andrew Ryan McKee. Andrew is my brother's name (we call him Andy) and Ryan is Tim's middle name.

I remember reading a blog a few months ago, he was writing to his daughter about how he was told he would dream about her but that he had yet to do so since she passed. He was longing to dream about her and wanted to so much then. I, of course, at that time didn't know what he was talking about. But now I do. I have dreamed about Andrew since August 11. They are so real that when I wake up I'm looking around for him and then a second later, it hits me that I was dreaming. I woke up yesterday morning looking at the place where I had dreamed his crib was and it wasn't there. I started to panic and hit me like a 2x4 in the face 'I was only dreaming'. Last night I had another dream. Nate was behind me, Abby was pulling herself up so that she was eye level to Andrew, and I was holding him. I don't ever see his face, I just feel his presence. I know he's with me and I feel that this dream was him telling me that he's watching over all of us.

I wonder how you miss someone so much that you never met. I never held him. I never smelled him. As a matter of fact I only have 1 ultrasound picture of him, but I miss him like crazy. I don't feel complete. I'm better during the day, I guess because I'm preoccupied during the day. But at night is when I miss Andrew the most. I wonder how I'm going to get through the next minute... The next hour... the next day. I'll find a way I know. Right now, it's time for me to go to bed and have the sweetest dreams I'll ever have. I'll be seeing you sweetie... In my dreams.

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