Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Google It

I went to the doctor today to find out more about the infection I have. She didn't give me much information. She told me the obvious. That I have a kidney infection, need to take antibiotics, need to drink water, blah blah blah. I've heard it before. But she also said that she thought she saw pieces of my bladder lining. I am peeing out the lining of my bladder? That can't be good. She has sent out my urine for further testing and I have to go back on friday for more testing.

I don't even know what questions to ask... who urinates the lining of their bladder? I didn't even know my bladder had lining. I'm sure all organs do, but who thinks about that? Well, the lack of questions I had for her led me to Google. I hate Google sometimes. It puts thoughts in my head that I wouldn't of had otherwise. I googled "urinating bladder lining", first thing that catches my attention is Bladder Cancer, the 4th option. I clicked the 'x' button. I don't even want to know. But now I wonder if that's what the testing on friday is for. Is she going to test me for cancer? Is she waiting to see what the lab report says and that's why I won't get tested for this until friday?

I'm prone to infections since my immune system is pretty much non-existent. The antibiotic she has put me on, I've been on before and I know the outcome. The infection will disappear for about a week after I take the last pill and then it's going to come back and be stronger than ever. It's a vicious cycle that is never ending. One thing is for sure, I'm not looking forward to Friday.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired

I have had a chronic kidney infection since August. I've been to the doctor many times and have been put on different antibiotics, which work for a few weeks, but then the infection comes back and I have to be put on more antibiotics. In the last few weeks I have also had other infections set up for example, pink eye. There are other infections, but I don't want to get into those. I believe the infections are setting up because my antibodies are trying to kill the kidney infection which in turn allows other infections to set up since I have a weak immune system. It makes sense to me, but tomorrow I go to the doctor to find out if my theory is true or not.

I'm always terrified of going to the doctor and finding out exactly how bad my health is. I can pretend that I'm find and everything is o.k., until I see one of them. They like to bring me back to reality and tell me how bad my health really is. If my outside matched my inside, I would probably look like Freddie Krueger. But thankfully I look like a healthy 27 year old instead of a completely burned 50 year old man. But I would settle for looking like an average 40 year old if it meant that my inside matched my outside. 

But I especially hate being sick. I always wonder if this is the last time I'm going to get sick. I always wonder if this time my body is going to say, "I can't fight anymore. I give in." I've always felt that we start dying from the day we are born. I don't dwell on that thought as it is kind of depressing, but everyday when I wake up I thank God for what I have and I ask that today not be the day he takes me home. Before Nate and Abbie were born, I was o.k. with the thought of death. The only thing I asked was to not be in pain when I died. I wanted it be quick and vitually painless. And now the entire thought scares me. And not so much for me, but for my babies. I don't want them to grow up without having their mom. I don't know what I would without my mom sometimes. And especially through my teenage years that were so confusing and frustrating. I want to be there for them. I want to take care of them instead of them having to take care of me. I want to see them go to prom. Graduate high school and college. See them get married and meet my grandchildren. I want to get old, but at times I feel like I'm already old and feel like I have minutes left instead of years.