Thursday, April 30, 2009

My Life in a Nutshell.

We will start when I was 12. I was diagnosed with Juvenile diabetes. When I was 16 I developed an eating disorder, now known as diabulimia. google it. I had bouts of Ketoacidosis and almost died a couple of times. Finally went blind in March of 2002 when I was 19 and was admitted to Vanderbilt for quite awhile. Went home and was admitted to a mental hospital 3 months later. Best Line Ever: "you are clearly not suicidal, but self-destructive." Dr. Macademia. Went to rehab that November and got real help. I've had slips, but have been on the right path for most of the time.

Met my first husband, dated and got married January 8th, 2005. We decided that marriage wasn't for us and divorced February 2006. It was a mutual decision. I don't have any hostility towards him.

Met my soul mate March of 2006. We married in May 2006. Got pregnant with Nate in July 2006.

Pregnancy + Traci = bad. very very bad. I was admitted into the hospital for a total of 26 weeks out of 32. And not at once. I would be admitted for 3 or 4 days and be discharged for 3 or 4. Due to dehydration from constant nauscea and vomitting. I developed preaclampsia at 32 weeks and Nathaniel Alexander was born by Emergency c-section on February 9th, 2007. He was 18 in. long and weighed 5lbs. 7.5 oz. He had a 7 day stay in NICU and was released. I am so very blessed to have a healthy child, especially when I was so sick with him.

Got pregnant with Abby December of 2007. Cried for 3 days, but pregnancy was normal until 28 weeks. Then I got as sick as I did with Nate and was admitted to the hospital where I was put on a fetal monitor. I was placed on a morphine drip (it hurts to throw up so much and so often). I was given IV phenegrin and zofran for the nauscea and vomitting. It didn't work. At 29 weeks they asked that I speak with Perinatologist. We spoke, she said that she thought my body didnt like pregnancy hormones and wanted to try a steroid cocktail that would trick my body into thinking it wasnt pregnant anymore. But it proposed a high risk of damage, such as... heart damage, kidney damage, liver damage, blood clots, stroke, heart attack, etc... remember I already have organ damage from my diabetes + eating disorder.

But we tried it. The way it would work is we would start off with a high dosage of the steroids for 3 days. And we would taper down to a lower dose for 3 days. And then taper down again, and it would continue like that until the baby was born.

It worked. First 3 days were great, and then the first day of the taper down, I got violently ill... again... went to the hospital... again... Was admitted... again. They ran an endoscopy and noticed that my esaphagus was tearing and gave me 2 options. Continue on the steroid treatment or Deliver. They recommended delivering. He said that because of all the steroids I had already taken that he thought she was developed enough to be born.

On June 21, 2008, Abigail Faith was born 10 weeks premature. She was 15 in. long and weighed 2lbs. 10.25 oz. And altho very small, she was born healthy. And after a 6 week stay in NICU, we were able to bring her home.

That's my life in a nutshell.

I'm Not Sure What to Think.

I went to my O.B. last month to ask about birth control. My body doesnt handle pregnany or birth control hormones (read my myspace blog labeled 'Feelings' His first question was, "do you want to have anymore children?", my response without thinking was, "I don't know. I don't think so." He then told me he wouldn't think it wise of me based on my previous pregnancies. I figured he would, and I do too. But it's the whole, 'you want what you can't have' thing. I want more children because I can't. Well, I can. I'm still able to, but I shouldn't. I have 2 wonderful, perfect children who happen to be healthy, do I really want to push my luck? So, he recommended Essure. A permanent alternative to tube tying.

He gave me a prescription to Yaz to try until 3 months after the procedure. I was hoping it would work and I could stay on it until I was comfortable with the idea that I wasn't going to be able to have anymore children. Nate and Abby are it. This was permanent, no going back. That's what scares me. Once it's done I can't go back. I can't change my mind.

Of course, as I suspected, it turned me psycho. I thought I was going to kill someone within the first week of starting the Yaz. Tim told me to stop using it. I apparently scared him. I'm not sure how... it's perfectly normal telling your husband that you are going to rip out his spine and hang him with it. right?

And so I stopped. I went to my endocronologist this last week and he said the same thing. No more children. He used a lot less sugar coating. He told me that 2 were plenty. That I should be happy with the 2 I have. And to have more children with the problems I had incurred was ludicrous. Thank You doc. You made me feel so much better.

So this is it. I'm trying to get used to the idea of not having anymore children. I love Nate and Abby with all my heart. But initially Tim and I wanted 4 kids, and we have 2, our dreams are cut in half. Don't get me wrong. I know how blessed I am, and I don't want to compromise my life or the life of our unborn child. I don't want to go thru with what I had with Nate and Abby. I just want to be able to hold onto the dream. And when they perform the procedure, the dream is gone. Popped like a bubble gum bubble.

We are shooting for the procedure to be done in July, I have 2 more months to think about this. Can someone really get used to the idea in 2 months? No more children no matter how hard we try (unless we adopt or become foster parents). Maybe I'll feel differently after the procedure is done. Oh, why didn't they just tie my tubes after I had Abby? I was ready then!

Rude Much?

I was sitting outside of my home the other day. Letting Nate play with Reese and Copper. It was a gorgeous day and we were having fun, when this big Yukon looking vehicle drove by and thru trash out her window into my yard! I did yell, I said something like, "really? your gonna thro trash when I'm right outside?" Of course I didn't get a response, I'm not even sure if she heard me.

But how in the world do you not see someone playing with their son and 2 dogs in the front yard? And how does someone have so much disrespect, so much disregard for a person who is enjoying their yard? I for one litter in my car and clean it out everytime I get gas. I understand that not everyone does this, but could you at least wait to throw out your trash until your in front of someone's yard who isn't outside with their child? I mean, that seems logical to me.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

A Milestone Reached

Abby was born 10 weeks premature and from that have come some development issues that we are working through. She has come a long way in the short while that she's been here. She had a slow start, but she's become extremely independent (definitely my child) in the past couple of months. Today I fixed her bananas and a 4 oz bottle for breakfast. She ate her bananas like a big girl so I gave her her bottle and she took it from me and held it for herself. I AM ECSTATIC! For a long time I felt like she was going to stay a baby and never grow and I was going to have to feed her baby food and bottles for the rest of my life. But she's becoming her own person. Getting her own personality and wanting to do things for herself.

I'm proud of both of my children, they have both done so well for being preemies. Sure we still have a long way to go. Nate is getting ready to start therapy for his speech and communication. And Abby will start therapy for her physical development.

I remember when Abby had just come home and a lady looked upon Abby and told me how pretty she was and then turned around to her pregnant daughter and told me that they (herself and her daughter) didn't want a baby that small. I love my babies being small. They are perfect for me. Nate's body fits perfectly up against mine so that his head falls right on my shoulder, which it makes it easier to put him to sleep. Abby fits perfectly in the nook I create when I place my left foot on my right knee creating a triangle. She props up on my left knee and it makes it easy to feed her as well as bounce her.

I am oh so proud of both my children.