Tuesday, July 31, 2012

2 Weeks

In exactly 2 weeks I get a kidney transplant. I'm receiving a kidney from my Mom. I have felt a bundle of emotions, but right now in this moment I am scared. I'm not scared of dying. I've never been scared of dying. But I don't want my children to know what it's like not to have a Mom. I don't want them to know that pain. I'm scared for them. In my mind, no one will love them as much as me and no one can take care of them like I can.
It's funny. I keep replaying an episode of "Golden Girls" in my head. It's the one where Sophia answers a newspaper ad for a man seeking woman. And when he (Marvin) comes to meet Sophia, he brings along his "sister". Turns out that the "sister" was Marvin's dying wife and she couldn't die peacefully until she knew that Marvin had someone else which is where Sophia came in. Skip to the end, the wife ends up understanding that Marvin didn't need someone else to take her place and Sophia continues living with the girls. I used to think that was weird, finding a new wife for your husband when your not gone yet. But now I find that I ask myself if I were to die and Tim remarry would "she" be a good replacement. She being anyone I meet in passing, old girlfriends of Tim's, women I've known for years, tv characters, celebrities, any female really. I don't discuss this AT. ALL. but this goes through my mind.
I've got a lot that I want to do with the kids in these 2 weeks. Hopefully we can fit it all in. I'm going to break my back and make sure that we can. And take tons of pictures. TONS.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

I Wish...

I wish I could keep this thing up like some of the people who do with their blogs that I follow, but I don't. I rather read other blogs and spend time with my family than write. But tonight, I found myself victim to insomnia and took advantage of the time to update.

I'm officially on the kidney transplant list at Vanderbilt Hospital. I've been approved for a couple of months now and my Mom was approved as a donor for me a few weeks later so we have scheduled transplant surgery for August 14th. I will receive her left kidney. Although this is good news it's also scary news. I'm excited about receiving a kidney in a couple of months, but nervous that something goes wrong and I die? Or my Mom dies? Or we both die? I'm not trying to be negative nancy, I'm trying to prepare myself for anything and everything that could go wrong. What if the kidney doesn't work? What if the kidney she gives me is fine, but the one she has is bad? or goes bad? What if the antirejection medications don't work? what if I reject the antirejection medications?

There is so much that I want my kids to know and I don't know that I can blog about everything before surgery. I want them to know me. I want them to be able to turn to the blog and read what I'm not able to say to them. I want them to know me. Know the things I did when I was a teenager that they better not EVER do. I want them to know that I love them especially when they feel that the entire world is against them. I want them to know that their Dad and I aren't just their parents, but we are human too and understand them better than they think. I want them to know that they won't have any better friends than each other. Regardless of how much they annoy each other, they will always be there. Friends come and go, but family stays by you. Some friends can become like family, I have friends that are more like sisters than they are friends. Lindsey and Amanda.

You will know these women. They are the next best thing to me. They have stories they can tell you about me that you will find funny. They will be able to tell you how much I love you and give you hugs and kisses when you need them. Bubba will have stories for you too. He'll be the one you will call if you find yourself in a situation that you want to get out of, imagine... you're at a party with alcohol and drugs. You want to leave, but the person you came with is nowhere to be found or they are drunk or high or whatever... maybe you just want to leave. Call Bubba. You get drunk and are in jail (NEVER. EVER. DRINK. AND. DRIVE. I WILL HAUUUUUUUNT YOU!!!!) due to public intoxication and made a fool out of yourself in someone's yard and their neighbor called the police, you would call Bubba. You have rearended someone and can't reach your dad... call bubba. You get the picture?? GOOD

I Love You To the Moon and Back <3