In exactly 2 weeks I get a kidney transplant. I'm receiving a kidney from my Mom. I have felt a bundle of emotions, but right now in this moment I am scared. I'm not scared of dying. I've never been scared of dying. But I don't want my children to know what it's like not to have a Mom. I don't want them to know that pain. I'm scared for them. In my mind, no one will love them as much as me and no one can take care of them like I can.
It's funny. I keep replaying an episode of "Golden Girls" in my head. It's the one where Sophia answers a newspaper ad for a man seeking woman. And when he (Marvin) comes to meet Sophia, he brings along his "sister". Turns out that the "sister" was Marvin's dying wife and she couldn't die peacefully until she knew that Marvin had someone else which is where Sophia came in. Skip to the end, the wife ends up understanding that Marvin didn't need someone else to take her place and Sophia continues living with the girls. I used to think that was weird, finding a new wife for your husband when your not gone yet. But now I find that I ask myself if I were to die and Tim remarry would "she" be a good replacement. She being anyone I meet in passing, old girlfriends of Tim's, women I've known for years, tv characters, celebrities, any female really. I don't discuss this AT. ALL. but this goes through my mind.
I've got a lot that I want to do with the kids in these 2 weeks. Hopefully we can fit it all in. I'm going to break my back and make sure that we can. And take tons of pictures. TONS.