Monday, December 26, 2011

Christmas with The McKee's

This year's Christmas was by far the best. EVER. I hope to have more like this in the future if not better. The kids had a lot of fun. It's hard to believe that it was one year ago that we were visiting Anna J in the NICU for Christmas. It was so much better to have her home and watch her open her gifts with Nate and Abbie. I was so happy and it felt like my family was complete... completely together. Bubba and my Mom came and watched the kids open their gifts and all. It's a time I wish I could put in a box and hold on to. It was just perfect.

I also got a Christmas gifts this year... Tim and I got married on a whim one thursday morning after discussing getting married a few hours the night before. We had known each other for all of 2 months. Seriously, we met March 17, 2006 and got married May 18, 2006. It's hard to explain, but I just knew he was the one I was going to marry when I met him. He had the most gorgeous blue eyes I had ever seen, which Nate has and my heart melts everytime they both look into mine. Needless to say we didn't have time to buy wedding bands... well, we bought cheap rings for ceremonial purposes... lol... mine had stars on it from Hot Topic and Tim's was from Spencer's with some kind of tribal sign on it. I actually wore mine for quite a while until I got pregnant with Abbie and ballooned up and it didn't fit anymore, then I lost it. Tim's went missing as well. I wish we had them now to laugh at. But for Christmas he gave me a beautiful black and clear diamond wedding band. It's gorgeous.

It was a wonderful Christmas with lots of love and laughter. Can't wait to see what the New Year has to bring.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Really? Another One?

What is it you ask? Another medical problem is the answer. I’ve been going back and forth to the hospital for the past couple of months for nausea and vomiting. I’ve had tons of tests run and even went under surgery for the removal of my gallbladder. I hate surgery. There is a reason why God gave us skin, no one is supposed to be able to look at your insides. The thought of being able to look at organs grosses me out. I’m still not used to the idea of my pd catheter. I mean… there is a tube on the outside of my body that goes to the inside of me. I wonder if you looked down the tube, if you could see my stomach? GROSS! I keep it covered with a bandage for that reason. But nonetheless, my gallbladder was removed in order to remedy the problem. It didn’t work. So after another test I was diagnosed with Gastroparesis. What is it? The nerves in my stomach are damaged from Diabetes so when I eat, the nerves don’t send signal to my brain to kick start the digestive process. My food hangs around until I no longer can take it and then begins the nonstop hell. There is a medicine to help, but wouldn’t you know it… I have an intolerance to it. The doctor has started me on a small dose in hopes that I will learn to tolerate it and then hopefully we can increase it later. Until then? This is my reality… back and forth to the hospital.. So I’m waiting patiently for the symptoms to begin. again. and make another hospital trip. again.

I really need to write everything wrong with me as well as the prescriptions I take, because remembering them isn’t working for me.

On a good note, Vanderbilt transplant team called me the other day and I go on November 22nd for all the testing to make sure I can have a kidney/pancreas transplant. I’m extremely nervous and excited at the same time. I’ll have all the tests done which I’ve heard are less than fun. I’ll meet the surgeon, Dr. Hale (his name is so fitting for my life). Hopefully, everything will come back a. ok. and we can continue with the process of the kidney transplant. <3

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

I’m Sorry…

Nate, Abbie, and Anna,

I wanted to write this for you just in case I’m not here to tell you in person when you are old enough to understand. We are not guaranteed tomorrow and I’m scared that my tomorrows are becoming fewer and fewer.

I was 12 years old when I was diagnosed with diabetes. Diabetes was a gateway disease and after being diagnosed, I had nothing but hard times when it came to my health. I guess since I’m being honest, I should be completely honest. When I was 15, I restricted my insulin intake so that I could eat what I want, but not gain weight. It now has a name called diabulimia. It continued even with the help of rehab. Only it wasn’t due to being scared of gaining weight, but because of money. It’s expensive to be sick and we couldn’t afford it. Daddy didn’t know I wasn’t being compliant, no one did. I just did it. I was compliant while pregnant with all 3 of you. I didn’t want to risk your lives because of my selfishness. But still you were all 3 born too early, but I’m grateful to God for forgiving me and giving me 3 healthy babies. I love you all more than life and I’m so so sorry for not being the mom you deserve. You deserve a better mom than me. Someone who can play with you longer than 10 minutes without getting tired. You deserve a mom who can shower everyday and take you to a playground and push you on the swings. You deserve a mom who kisses your booboos and makes them all better. You probably won’t remember this, but everytime I got sick (which was often), Nate, you would say “Hug and kiss make it all better?” I would always tell you it would and you would give me the best hugs and kisses everytime. I would tell you as enthusiastically as I could that you made it all better and all I needed was to sleep. Abbie, you would lay with me watching whatever silly show was on. I tried to keep it on things you would like… Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, Spongebob Squarepants, or even Little Einsteins. and you would watch your show and be there with me. I loved that. Just being with you made me feel better. Anna… bless your heart. You weren’t even one yet and you would crawl around in the floor playing with whatever caught your eye. You loved cords. Computer cords, cell phone chargers, anything that could plug into the wall. I always made sure they were unplugged, but nonetheless, I wouldn’t watch you as closely as I should’ve. Thank God you never hurt yourself. I love you babies, more than you’ll ever know. And I hope if something does happen to me, that Daddy will find someone who loves you just as much as I do and is able to take care of you better than I could. Remember… no matter what… I AM PROUD OF YOU! I LOVE YOU NO MATTER WHAT! AND I WILL ALWAYS BE WITH YOU!

You are my sunshine. My only sunshine. You make me happppppyyyyyyy when skies are gray. You’ll never know, dear, how much I loooooovvvveee you. Please don’t take, my sunshine, away.

I Love You Nate.

I Love You Abbie.

I Love You Anna.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Where Are We Going?

Crazy… That’s what my dad would say to us when we get in the car and go for a drive when I was younger. I now say it to my 3. I didn’t realize that my dad was being literal. I know he was because I am when I give the same answer to my kids. They like to ask the same question over and over and over again, even if I have acknowledged them. And then when I’ve given them an answer that pacifies them, they will repeat it. It drives me crazy and I love it all at the same time. Here is a typical conversation…

I am packing up diaper bags, snacks, and drinks so that we can go to Gran’s house.

Nate: “Mama, where are ya goin?”

Me: We are going to go bye bye.

Nate: Bye-Bye?

Me: Yes.

Abbie: Where we goin?

Me: Bye-Bye.

Abbie: Bye-Bye?

Me: Yes!

Abbie: Why?

Me: Because we are going to visit Grann.

Abbie: We goin to Grann’s house?

Me: YES!

Nate: Where we goin?

Me: Crazy.

Nate: You goin crazy?

Me: Yes!

Nate: I not wanna go crazy. I wanna go Grann’s house.

Me: *head wall* *head wall*

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Good Times. Good Times.

My birthday is in September and when I turned 16 my parents bought me a Mustang. I was one lucky teenage girl. However, I think they bought it to torture me because even though I was 16, I didn’t have my license nor would they allow me to get my license until I completed the driver’s ed course. Who knew the course had a waiting list and I wouldn’t be able to take it until the following summer. The school year had just started weeks before and I was going to have to wait until it ended to take the course and then I was going back to school (in the summer!) OMG… I was going to be 17 before I got my license? AGONY! Thank God my best friend, Lindsey, had her license. My parents agreed that she could drive my car since she didn’t have one. Finally, freedom…. somewhat.

This arrangement worked most of the time, but every now and then I wanted to drive my car and Lindsey had had her license almost an entire year before I got my car… who better to teach me to drive. She would let me drive backroads most of the time, but I did drive in the city some too. I remember learning about red lights. I was in the turn lane waiting for the green arrow. It turned green and so I started to turn, but then I looked above me and saw another red light (the one telling the opposite direction to stop) and so I stopped. Lindsey freaked out a little bit. No more than anyone else who had just witnessed a moving car stop abruptly in the middle of an intersection and I told her about the red light and she explained that it was for the opposite direction (DUH Traci) and so I went on. I’m so glad I made that mistake with her and not with my soon to be driver’s ed classmates. They wouldn’t have been so nice about it.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

One of the Firsts…

I remember when I pregnant with Nate and I first felt him kick. It was the day after Thanksgiving in 2006. I was taking a nap, laying down on my stomach with my hands underneath my stomach. I woke up and was laying there trying to remember the dream I just had when I felt a nudge on my hand. It frightened me so I rolled over and realized I had just felt my baby kick. I raised my shirt over my stomach and stared hard at it and not only did I feel him kick, I saw it too. I saw either his foot or his hand poke up. It was the weirdest thing, but it made my pregnancy real. I mean I knew I was pregnant, but it made me realize how serious the pregnancy was. Even though I knew there was a tiny person living inside me a light bulb went off and I realized that within 5 months I was going to meet the beautiful creature that not only made me sicker than a demon possessed human, but my baby. After that day, I was obsessed with everyone feeling him kick. A lot of women don’t want you to touch there belly when they are pregnant… I was the opposite. I wanted to be approached by strangers so they could feel my son kick. I loved sitting on the couch with my shirt raised above my belly and have everyone around me see him move. I was a proud mama from the get go. God Bless You!

Monday, August 8, 2011

I Believe in Angels…

Abbie was a few months old. She had been fussy that night and I was trying to soothe her. We both fell asleep, Abbie was on my chest and I was streched out on the couch. I remember waking up and feeling awful. My sugar was dropping by the minute and I was so weak I couldn’t yell for Tim to help me. I don’t remember a lot, but I remember holding onto Abbie and then passing out. I woke up to paramedics, they had put medicine through an IV to bring my sugar up. My sugar had gotten so low that I had a seizure and Tim woke up because of the loud crash I made when I fell to the floor. All I kept thinking is that I hurt Abbie. That’s why Tim called 911. I hurt Abbie. Apparently I was saying my thoughts out loud and Tim was baffled. He wanted to know what I was talking about. He said, “Traci… You put Abbie in her swing. She was in her swing when I found you?”. The swing was about 10 feet away from the couch. The last thing I remember was holding Abbie close to my chest and wanting to yell for Tim to get her and help me, but not being able to. There was only one explanation… Angels. There had to be at least one angel to pick her up and put her there before I started seizing otherwise I would have surely hurt her when I fell. I know I didn’t do it. I couldn’t yell for help much less pick up Abbie and carry her 10 feet to her swing. I believe angels are all around us and I’m thankful that angels were there to protect her that night and to protect all three of my children of every minute of every day. God Bless You.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Ready to Update.

I know it’s been a while since I’ve posted. I hope to change that soon. There hasn’t been much to update. Anna is doing extremely well. She is such a happy baby. She smiles at everyone and I love it. Abbie turned 3 in June and we had a birthday party for her at Chuck E Cheese. She loved it. Nate starts school next week. Pre-K, but he will be going full time. He is such a big boy, it feels like it was only yesterday I was having his first birthday party at our house. And since then he has had 3 more birthday parties, Abbie was born and has had 3 of her own parties, and of course Anna was born and will be having her 1st birthday party in a little over 3 months. Where does the time go?

The reason why it’s been so hard to blog is because of my health. Since I blogged last, I was diagnosed with End Stage Renal Failure (ESRF) and I have been placed on dialysis. I had surgery at the end of June for my access point. On July 5th, I started dialysis. I first went to a clinic for the treatments and while doing them I was also being trained to do them at home. And now I’m completely on my own. I see my kidney doc once a week to make sure everything is working as it should. I feel a lot better and have more energy than I did before. It’s amazing how well I’m doing. I didn’t realize how bad I felt until I started feeling better. I was talking to my mom one day after a long day of treatments that I felt like I had drank 10 espresso shots. I was wired and full of energy and even after coming home and cleaning, I still was ready to go. It was a great but short lived feeling. I have had ups and downs and 3 hospitalizations since that day, but I stay positive and thank God for everyday that I have.

If you still check to see if I update my blog, thank you. And upon reading this… please continue to pray for my family. God Bless You!

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Time flies by…

I didn’t realize it’s been over a month since I updated about Anna or my family, things have been hectic with Anna now home and new discoveries regarding my health.

Anna is doing wonderful. She now weighs 8lbs 9oz and is 21in long. I knew she was getting big, but she was only 7lbs and a few ounces last time she was weighed a couple of weeks ago and now she is almost 9lbs. I’m going to look into getting her ears pierced when she reaches 10lbs, but looking at her lobes now I may wait. They are small I want the expert to have more lobe to work with.  We had to have Abbie’s pierced twice because the technician went in crooked on one of her ears. At that time I talked to the manager and we both agreed that it was due to a couple of reasons. 1. Abbie was so small, it might’ve been hard for the tech to get a good hold on to put the earring in straight. 2. Come to find out, the technician was new and probably nervous. 3. She was a baby, and no one wants to hurt a baby. This time, I’m going to let her get a bit bigger than her sister was and request the technician that has been piercing ears longer, pierce her ears.

I was admitted to the hospital… again… a couple of weeks ago. I was having a heart time breathing and had felt very fatigued for a week before. Bubba and Sissy took the kids that weekend and I decided to go on to the hospital and hope it was a quick fix. Hope being the key word. It was revealed that I have chronic congestive heart failure, which we knew I had chf, we just didn’t realize it was chronic. Of course, my blood pressure was high. I was short of breath due to pneumonia, the doctors gave me iv antibotics to ward it off. A nephrologist (kidney doctor) was called since I have Diabetes and other pre-existing conditions. He told me that my creatine level was 2.7 which is bad apparently. He said that I only have 20% kidney function. Kidney failure is 10% or less of your kidney function and you are put on dialysis. And as soon as I get some insurance issues resolved, I will be put on the pancreas/kidney transplant list. It can take 2 – 4 years before a donor can be found, but hopefully I can retain the function I have and maybe not have to reach dialysis before a match can be found. 

It’s quite scary. My energy level on a scale of 1-10 is probably a 2. And that’s not convenient with 3 kids. I give them all I have though. I try to ask as if nothing is wrong, but children know. They are smarter than people think, and I don’t try to underestimate their knowledge. Nate will ask Tim, “is mommie sick?” when I go lay down to take a nap. “No, she’s not sick. Mommie is just tired.”, Tim will reply. And then Nate, with nothing but hope in his voice, hoping he can make Mommie all better, will ask “her need Dr. Pepper? Dr. Pepper make it all better?”. I will usually interject then and tell him, “yes. Dr. Pepper will make me feel all better. Can you help Daddy make me some?”. “Yeah! Come on Daddy!”, he will exclaim. Then they will go to the kitchen and fix me a glass of Diet Dr. P and Nate will carefully and gently bring it to the bed and say, “here Momma”, of course I take a drink and tell him that it made me feel better and I’ll ask him if I can take a nap. He’ll say, “yeah momma, you take nap,” he’ll gently close the door and tell everyone in the living room to “shhhhh, momma seepin”. He is such a sweet boy. Abbie is just as sweet. She will cuddle with me if I’m not feeling good. The couch is my friend and she will be playing, laughing, and bouncing around from room to room, when all of a sudden you realize it’s quiet. I will look in the direction of her room and I see her gigantic eyes peering over the arm of the couch at me. I ask her if she wants to sit with Mommie and she’ll hurry over and climb on the couch and sit beside me for what seems like hours but usually is 20 – 30 minutes.

These are the moments I cherish. This is the reason I blog. I want them to know how much I loved them after I’m gone. I want them to know that it’s the simple things they do that make me happy. They don’t have to be the best at anything to make me proud, they just have to be themselves.

Friday, February 25, 2011

Harder Than I Thought It Would Be…

Blogging that is. The time I do have to blog is when I typically sleep. I love having Anna home. She's growing so much and getting bigger everyday. She is such a joy, Nate and Abbie love having her home. Abbie has named her baby dolls 'Anna'. Nate even went to bed with one of the Anna's tonight. It was real sweet. He had been carrying her around and even asked me to get her blanket earlier because she was cold. He is very loving and nurturing. Abbie is loving, but only when she wants to be. She isn't ever mean though, just indifferent. Tonight we were in the car and Anna started coughing and in a very urgent voice asked, "Anna, you ok? You ok Anna?". She sounded very concerned. Nate holds Anna's hand whenever we are in the car and if we forget to uncover her when we get into the car, he does it. He wants to see her face to make sure she's fine. It's really sweet the way they love on her. This morning I was going to put Anna in her swing and Abbie climbed into it, that did not make Nate happy. He stood up for his baby sister and told Abbie, "get up! That Anna swing! GET UP ABBIE! THAT ANNA'S!" He was sincerely upset that Abbie had taken something from her. He then brought me her bouncy seat and said, "here Anna, you sit here. I play music." (it has a music maker on it). This is only a taste of our everyday life.
As far as Anna's health, well... She's doing really well, but isn't gaining weight as fast as the doctor would like. Abbie had a hard time gaining weight as well and with that we will be having weekly weight checks with Dr. Mag. She had her eyes checked by a specialist at Centennial hospital last week and he said that her retinas looked good and that he would send over his report to Dr. Mag and she would watch for common problems amongst preemies such as crosseyes and then refer me to someone if need be. So it's all in Dr. Mag's hands now. She doesn't sleep through the night, but what newborn does? She does sleep a great deal though. We have to wake her up to feed her, but in the middle of the night is when she wants to be awake and squirm. I find myself laying her down on my chest after I have fed and changed her during the night in order to get some kind of rest. Otherwise, she's grunting and "talking" and getting herself tangled up in blankets which makes her cry. 
In family news... We are moving to Woodbury. Middle of nowhere town, but where my best friend and biggest supporter lives, Emily. We are also closer to family now as well. Moving is a hassle and we don’t anticipate moving for an extremely long time if ever again. Sissy and GaGa (Sissy’s mom) are going to keep the kids for us while we move which is a huge help. We’ve gotten a lot of help which I am thankful for and hopefully we can get all of our furniture and stuff moved in one trip. My mom is coming over on Saturday to help me decorate which excites me. She is the best decorator I know. She should do it professionally to be honest. She has an eye for it so I’m grateful to have her help. Abbie and Anna’s room is extremely girly. I have bought all fairytale pieces. I bought hangings for above their beds. One says ‘the princess sleeps here’ and the other says ‘little princess’. Poor Anna doesn’t get a choice of which one she likes, she gets the one Abbie didn’t like as much. Abbie also picked out her bedding and it is too sweet. It has a castle on it and fits in perfectly with the theme.
Nate is just glad to have his own room. He’s not really into the decorating, he just wants his ‘video games’. So his room is all boy. Going to get wall decals with cars and trucks to make it more his own. Abbie and Nate have shared a room since Abbie’s been born and we decorated neutral with Sesame Street theme, but this time they are able to pick out the d├ęcor for their rooms. Abbie got into it wanting everything pink and purple with princesses, castles, flowers, and butterflies. Nate, as I said, was ‘eh. whatever.’ They love the house and are ready to move their toys over. I’m ready to move furniture in just to absorb the noise. Everything echoes and I talk loud anyway and you add tv and kids to that and you have a hot mess.
I want to thank everyone who continues to pray for Anna. Physically, she is doing very well. It’s too early to tell how she is doing developmentally so please continue to pray for her and us as well. We know God has a special plan for this little girl or she wouldn’t be with us today. Bless You All.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Anna Jane Update 82 Days Old

SHE IS HOME!! We got the phone call yesterday actually. The doctor told us we could come get her whenever we were ready and we were definitely ready. I was so excited when I got off the phone with him that I could hardly contain myself only to get another phone call 5 minutes later saying that we were going to have to wait one more day because she hadn’t had her eye exam. I was so disappointed. We managed to keep ourselves busy to make the time go by fast, but this morning was the worst. I woke up at 6am, I was up before Nate and Abbie which NEVER HAPPENS. So I decided to go ahead and get myself dressed. Abbie woke up and I fixed her breakfast. Then Nate. Then Tim. We decided to go to HR Block and file our taxes (Hallelujah!!). I took Abbie to the grocery store and then we waited anxiously for the doctor to call and say “come get your baby”, we waited for about 2 hours when the he finally called and off we went to get her.

The drive to the hospital wasn’t that bad. Going over her discharge paperwork was awful and the drive home was horrible. People in Tennessee forget how to drive when it snows and it was snowing something fierce when we left. What should’ve been a 30 minute drive turned into an hour. But Anna saw everyone we wanted her to. She met her Nana and Papa (Tim’s parents). She saw Aunt Emmie and Unkie Nick. And saw her Grann and Pops. But the best was Nate and Abbie. Abbie said, “that my Baby Anna”. And I was putting a bottle away that I had fed Anna when Nate said, “Anna bottle. Anna, you want bottle o’juice?” it was soooo cute. He would kiss her head and was really sweet with her. I’m glad they love their baby sister and I hope their bond becomes strong and loving.


Friday, February 4, 2011

Update on Anna 2 months old

I know I haven't updated on Anna in a while, but we were at a stand still there for a while and I haven't felt well. I'm better now and hopefully my health will improve and Anna is doing amazingly well. She is no longer on oxygen and weighs 4lbs 13oz. She is taking most of her feedings by bottle and is holding her body temperature well. She has been moved from an incubator to an open crib. All of her nurses are amazed at how well she is doing and I, of course, am extremely proud of my little girl for fighting so hard. We got the news yesterday that she should be ready to go home within the week. It was so sweet to hear. You wait so long to hear that your baby can go home and when those words came out of her mouth, I was speechless. Now all I can do is think about everything we need to get and prepare before she gets home. I'm so thankful that God has answered our prayers and shown us his miracles through Anna. He continues to bless us everyday with her life. 

And while my baby girl is an angel on earth, there is another family with an angel in heaven who I'm asking prayers for. I didn't know Korley Davis in any way, shape, or form except for reading articles about her in the local paper and seeing green and yellow ribbons hanging on businesses in Shelbyville, reading signs that said "Pray for Korley". Korley was an exceptional young lady who was waiting for a double lung transplant when she became sick. You can read her story here. Korley passed away Wednesday morning and has left everyone in the community devastated. I have never seen such a small person make such a big impact like she did in Shelbyville. I pray for comfort and understanding for her family and friends and I ask that you pray for her family as well.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Update on Anna 54 Days Old

Anna's neighbor in the NICU was recently moved to the step down area of the NICU. He was 9 days older than Anna, but they were born at the same weight and length. I try not to be nosy in the NICU and stare or even read the basic information posted about the baby, but he was across from her for almost 2 months and it became hard not to become attached to him since I saw him everytime I went to see Anna. I would walk by his incubator and tell him "hi", even though he's a baby and doesn't know any better, it was important to me. I would look at his stats and his vapotherm level and would say to myself, "so that's where Anna should be in 9 days". They were neck in neck in stats, vapotherm, and size. And often, Anna's nurse would also be this little boy's nurse. I noticed on Saturday that he wasn't there. I knew that meant he had gotten big enough to be moved to the step down area. The step down area is the area of the NICU that babies are moved to when they weigh 1800 grams (approx. 3lbs 8oz) and can hold their body temperature better. They are placed in a heated open crib rather than the incubator. I was happy for him and his family, but a little sad that he had already moved up and my Anna was still in the back of the NICU with the most critical of babies. But it gave me hope, I thought "so Anna should be moved to the step down area in 9 days". 

But imagine my shock when I call today, only 3 days since the little boy was moved, and found out that Anna has been moved to the step down area. THANK YOU LORD! GOD IS GOOD!!! She is right at 3lbs 8oz and more than that, her nurse gave her a bottle last night and Anna took it like a champ. Her morning nurse gave her one this morning and she did well with it, but was struggling in the end. Definitely a step in the right direction though. Her vapotherm is set at 2 liters 23%. They are exercising her lungs by allowing her to breathe room air for a few minutes at a time and then putting her back on the vapotherm. Anna is going to be home before we know it and I'm so excited. I'm so proud of my little fighter and I thank God for showing me miracles through my baby girl every day. 

Thank you for praying for her and loving her. Please continue to pray for her healing. My 3 babies are truly miracles from God and I'm thankful everyday for them. And I'm thankful for all of my friends and family who have shown love and support and continue to pray for us. God Bless You All!!!

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Update on Anna 47 Days Old

I wish I had an update on Anna, but I don't. Things are still the same with her. She has gained some weight, she's up to 2lbs 12oz. But we are waiting on her organs to mature a bit more before we try anything new. I'm o.k. with that as long as I can bring her home... eventually. I hate to admit it, but the longer she's in the hospital, the more she feels like a figment of my imagination. I know she's real, but when I go see her it's like I'm visiting someone else's baby. And I feel like I've dreamed her up when I'm at home. It breaks my heart when reality sets in. And then guilt sets in. I know she's real, I remember the pain all too well... but I'm scared that the time apart is going to make it hard for us to bond. I feel so distant and I don't know how it's going to be when she finally gets home. I'm terrified that I'm going to feel like I'm babysitting rather than taking care of my own child.