Tuesday, October 11, 2011

I’m Sorry…

Nate, Abbie, and Anna,

I wanted to write this for you just in case I’m not here to tell you in person when you are old enough to understand. We are not guaranteed tomorrow and I’m scared that my tomorrows are becoming fewer and fewer.

I was 12 years old when I was diagnosed with diabetes. Diabetes was a gateway disease and after being diagnosed, I had nothing but hard times when it came to my health. I guess since I’m being honest, I should be completely honest. When I was 15, I restricted my insulin intake so that I could eat what I want, but not gain weight. It now has a name called diabulimia. It continued even with the help of rehab. Only it wasn’t due to being scared of gaining weight, but because of money. It’s expensive to be sick and we couldn’t afford it. Daddy didn’t know I wasn’t being compliant, no one did. I just did it. I was compliant while pregnant with all 3 of you. I didn’t want to risk your lives because of my selfishness. But still you were all 3 born too early, but I’m grateful to God for forgiving me and giving me 3 healthy babies. I love you all more than life and I’m so so sorry for not being the mom you deserve. You deserve a better mom than me. Someone who can play with you longer than 10 minutes without getting tired. You deserve a mom who can shower everyday and take you to a playground and push you on the swings. You deserve a mom who kisses your booboos and makes them all better. You probably won’t remember this, but everytime I got sick (which was often), Nate, you would say “Hug and kiss make it all better?” I would always tell you it would and you would give me the best hugs and kisses everytime. I would tell you as enthusiastically as I could that you made it all better and all I needed was to sleep. Abbie, you would lay with me watching whatever silly show was on. I tried to keep it on things you would like… Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, Spongebob Squarepants, or even Little Einsteins. and you would watch your show and be there with me. I loved that. Just being with you made me feel better. Anna… bless your heart. You weren’t even one yet and you would crawl around in the floor playing with whatever caught your eye. You loved cords. Computer cords, cell phone chargers, anything that could plug into the wall. I always made sure they were unplugged, but nonetheless, I wouldn’t watch you as closely as I should’ve. Thank God you never hurt yourself. I love you babies, more than you’ll ever know. And I hope if something does happen to me, that Daddy will find someone who loves you just as much as I do and is able to take care of you better than I could. Remember… no matter what… I AM PROUD OF YOU! I LOVE YOU NO MATTER WHAT! AND I WILL ALWAYS BE WITH YOU!

You are my sunshine. My only sunshine. You make me happppppyyyyyyy when skies are gray. You’ll never know, dear, how much I loooooovvvveee you. Please don’t take, my sunshine, away.

I Love You Nate.

I Love You Abbie.

I Love You Anna.

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