I'm Not Sure What to Think.

I went to my O.B. last month to ask about birth control. My body doesnt handle pregnany or birth control hormones (read my myspace blog labeled 'Feelings' www.myspace.com/traci_mckee) His first question was, "do you want to have anymore children?", my response without thinking was, "I don't know. I don't think so." He then told me he wouldn't think it wise of me based on my previous pregnancies. I figured he would, and I do too. But it's the whole, 'you want what you can't have' thing. I want more children because I can't. Well, I can. I'm still able to, but I shouldn't. I have 2 wonderful, perfect children who happen to be healthy, do I really want to push my luck? So, he recommended Essure. A permanent alternative to tube tying.

He gave me a prescription to Yaz to try until 3 months after the procedure. I was hoping it would work and I could stay on it until I was comfortable with the idea that I wasn't going to be able to have anymore children. Nate and Abby are it. This was permanent, no going back. That's what scares me. Once it's done I can't go back. I can't change my mind.

Of course, as I suspected, it turned me psycho. I thought I was going to kill someone within the first week of starting the Yaz. Tim told me to stop using it. I apparently scared him. I'm not sure how... it's perfectly normal telling your husband that you are going to rip out his spine and hang him with it. right?

And so I stopped. I went to my endocronologist this last week and he said the same thing. No more children. He used a lot less sugar coating. He told me that 2 were plenty. That I should be happy with the 2 I have. And to have more children with the problems I had incurred was ludicrous. Thank You doc. You made me feel so much better.

So this is it. I'm trying to get used to the idea of not having anymore children. I love Nate and Abby with all my heart. But initially Tim and I wanted 4 kids, and we have 2, our dreams are cut in half. Don't get me wrong. I know how blessed I am, and I don't want to compromise my life or the life of our unborn child. I don't want to go thru with what I had with Nate and Abby. I just want to be able to hold onto the dream. And when they perform the procedure, the dream is gone. Popped like a bubble gum bubble.

We are shooting for the procedure to be done in July, I have 2 more months to think about this. Can someone really get used to the idea in 2 months? No more children no matter how hard we try (unless we adopt or become foster parents). Maybe I'll feel differently after the procedure is done. Oh, why didn't they just tie my tubes after I had Abby? I was ready then!