I'm always terrified of going to the doctor and finding out exactly how bad my health is. I can pretend that I'm find and everything is o.k., until I see one of them. They like to bring me back to reality and tell me how bad my health really is. If my outside matched my inside, I would probably look like Freddie Krueger. But thankfully I look like a healthy 27 year old instead of a completely burned 50 year old man. But I would settle for looking like an average 40 year old if it meant that my inside matched my outside.
But I especially hate being sick. I always wonder if this is the last time I'm going to get sick. I always wonder if this time my body is going to say, "I can't fight anymore. I give in." I've always felt that we start dying from the day we are born. I don't dwell on that thought as it is kind of depressing, but everyday when I wake up I thank God for what I have and I ask that today not be the day he takes me home. Before Nate and Abbie were born, I was o.k. with the thought of death. The only thing I asked was to not be in pain when I died. I wanted it be quick and vitually painless. And now the entire thought scares me. And not so much for me, but for my babies. I don't want them to grow up without having their mom. I don't know what I would without my mom sometimes. And especially through my teenage years that were so confusing and frustrating. I want to be there for them. I want to take care of them instead of them having to take care of me. I want to see them go to prom. Graduate high school and college. See them get married and meet my grandchildren. I want to get old, but at times I feel like I'm already old and feel like I have minutes left instead of years.