Saturday, March 13, 2010

I'm An Awful Blogger

I started this blog so that I could keep up with the things that the babies did (and myself) on a day to day basis. I did good for a minute or two and then I was too sick to blog when I became pregnant with Baby Boo. I then blogged for an outlet. To talk about how I was feeling and release some of the emotions and anxiety caused by my procedure that I would feel in that moment. And as those emotions subsided and the anxiety became less intense, I found myself going a few weeks without blogging. And now I have found myself at almost a month without a new post. This makes me sad for a couple of reasons. 1. I'm sure the babies have said or done things that I didn't want to forget, but have because I didn't keep any record of it. 2. Because I'm afraid that I'm forgetting about my Baby Boo and what happened. It seems like it was just a bad dream with every passing day. I don't want it seem like a dream. I don't want to forget. I feel sometimes (and hope) that it's a lie I fabricated in order to get attention. Well, that's not true... 1. Because I hate receiving any kind of attention when it comes to my health. 2. I would be in padded room, because what sane person makes up something like that. 3. I have the one ultrasound picture taken of him.

I shouldn't be getting better. The scar should never heal. I should feel the unbelievable pain I had every morning as a reminder. It's like a knife cutting into my heart everytime I think about what I had to do in order to feel this well. I remembered the sounds and could recount everything that happened on August 11th up until a few of months ago. Now the sounds in the operating room and in the recovery room have faded. They are distant in my mind. I vaguely remember the song that was playing on the radio when I began to cry prior to my procedure. I hardly remember the conversation I had with the other girls while we waited and I used to be able to replay the conversation over and over in my head. The sounds in the operating room have faded in my memory. I feel like it should be sharp in memory as if it happened yesterday. I am undeserving of the time that has passed that is healing my wounds. Although I'm grateful.

After all of that, I am going to blog for the reason this blog was intended for. To keep up with my day to day activities in hopes that I don't forget anymore than I already have when it comes to Nate and Abbie. (Yes, I changed the spelling of Abbie's name. It was A-B-B-Y. It suits her dainty and girlie personality).

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