Monday, August 17, 2009

You are My Sunshine, My Only Sunshine...

It seems unfair that time keeps on going and going while I want it to stand still. It's unfair that with each passing day, the physical pain keeps getting better and better and I know it's at the expense of my baby. I feel like I should be in constant physical pain so that I never forget what I had to do in order to feel as good as I do, but I guess if I really wanted to stay in pain I would've stayed pregnant... That was the worse pain I ever felt, all I wanted to do was die when I was constantly throwing up. I remember there was one day in the hospital where my nurse had called in my medicine and they were bringing it up from the pharmacy.. Well, there was a mix up somewhere and it took 3 hours to get my medicine... I never stopped throwing up in those 3 hours. There was nothing for me to throw up, yet my body kept making things to upchuck. It hurt so much, I begged my nurse to go down to the pharmacy and pick it up. She ended up giving me oral medication since they had it on the floor already instead of IV. I agreed to it, she didnt force me to take it, but I needed relief even if I was going to throw up the water I drank to get it down. It worked and I knocked out for 4 hours.

I feel like I should go through that agony at least once a day as a reminder of what I did and why I did it. I feel like a horrible person for having to do what I did just to feel better. Everyone tells me that I did what I had to do, that I wasn't selfish because I did it for my babies, but I can't help but feel guilty. Do I miss being sick? NO WAY!! Do I miss my baby? ABSOLUTELY!! I keep asking God to give me a sign that I did the right thing. That he give me comfort and he does at times, and other times I wonder how I'm gonna get through the next minute and then I remember Nate and Abby and they are how I get through every second of the day. Yet when it's just me, when I'm the only one awake, I feel sad. I feel guilty. And all I want is my baby back. I'm a nurturer, it's my nature to always want to take care of something, and I can't take care of this... I couldn't take care of my baby, I can't take care of the emotional pain, I can't control the crying, I feel like a wreck.

There are people I work with who are pregnant and are expecting grandbabies, I don't want to talk to them. I don't want to know how they are doing. I don't want hear them complain about their symptoms.. All I want to say to them is I would've traded my symptoms for theirs and wouldn't complain. And this not me at all. I feel bad for feeling this way. I really want to celebrate with them. And listen to them and maybe offer some comforting words, but I can't. I can't say anything. I just 'mute' them and don't say anything. Maybe a 'bless your heart' every now and then, but I don't mean it.

This is the worst feeling ever and I don't know what to do with it. I've never felt it. I've been through some tough things, but this by far is the hardest. I've always been able to work through whatever it was I was going through, but I can't get past this. I pray so hard that I feel like I'm going to explode. The other day I had a dr.s appointment, not with my ob, just a regular appointment with the dr. and my nightmare came true. There was about 8 women in the waiting room, no men, and they were all pregnant. This was the day after my termination, and I couldn't believe what I had just walked into. I needed my blood pressure checked so I had to stay, but they wouldn't take me on back. I had to stay in the waiting room for about 20 minutes with these women. I know it was Satan being mean to me, but it didn't make me feel any better.

I just feel lost. I feel bitter. I feel a whole bunch of negative feelings. I'm an optimistic person. I always view the glass as half full, but right now, it's empty. I really need prayer to move beyond this and heal, I don't feel like I'll ever heal. I don't feel like I'll ever see the sunshine again.

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