What Was That?

Something happened today that I have never experienced before... I was in church, listening to the preacher, and I heard a baby cry. And then I heard voices around me. I heard someone say, "I never thought I would be one to do something like this", I hear, "I'm just so sick. I'm single and I can't take care of my daughter. I have to do it." They were the voices of the women I was around while waiting to be called back for my "procedure". I was listening to them justify their reasons for going thru with their "procedure". I fast forwarded to the room where the "procedure" was preformed. I heard the static booming out of the broken radio in my room as the nurse tried to find a working station. I heard the dr. talking. I heard the horrible sound of suction. I felt my insides crunch up and I felt sick. Then... I was nudged and I was back in church. The preacher still preaching. There weren't any other sounds except his voice. I felt my face and I was hot and tears were rolling down my face. I felt silly. I was embarrassed, but luckily, no one noticed.

I went back. I relived the day that I don't want to ever live again. I felt everything as if it just happened. I calmed down, wiped my eyes and focused on the preacher. When church was over, I walked with a quickness to get my children out of the nursery.

It feels like it was a bad dream somedays. Like it didn't happen. That's what it felt like on friday. Friday I had a post-op appointment with my ob. I was o.k. until I hit West-End. The road that leads to my dr.s office as well as to the clinic. And flashbacks of the drive there started flooding in my mind and I began to cry. I pulled into to the parking lot and was in denial. "That was just a dream. It never happened. Why would I be at my ob if it had? He is going to tell me everything is fine and schedule me for an ultrasound in 2 weeks." I walked in and rather than sitting in the waiting room, I was taken back and waited in a room for 45 minutes. He examined me and then he said the worst thing I've ever heard, "everything is back to normal. I will see you for your annual in a year." Normal?! NORMAL?? I'm not normal, normal is me being pregnant right now. So am I pregnant?, he told me no, and asked if I was o.k., I explained to him how I wanted it to be a dream. He understood, or so he says, and reiterated what had already been explained by him and my perinatologists. "Traci, you were not well. And if you weren't well, your baby wouldn't of been well. We couldn't guarantee that the baby would have lived for the duration of the pregnancy and you increased your chances of dying the longer you stayed pregnant. You made the best decision for you and your family. You've got to trust that."

I was asked if I regretted having the "procedure" done. Simple answer? No. I regret getting pregnant in the first place. I regret not taking more precautions than we did to prevent pregnancy. I regret not doing everything that we could've to prevent pregnancy. I have 98 days of regrets. Not just 1 day.

I have accepted that I will never be complete again.