I was looking thru pictures the other day after Abby's EI therapist finger painted Abby's foot and I realized how big it had gotten. When Abby was first born, a NICU nurse had finger painted her hands and feet. I looked through my pictures in order to find the finger paintings and compare. I found it and I can't believe the difference. I started looking through all of my pictures and found a few that shows how small she was. I am still filled with emotions when I think about that day and the 6 weeks that followed. I look at some pictures and feel happy. Happy that she made it and she was as healthy as she was. I feel scared. Scared that I was going to get a call saying that she had passed. I feel guilty. Guilty that I wasn't able to carry her full-term. I feel angry. Angry that I wasn't able to experience the joy of going into labor, of feeling my water break, of holding my babies when they were first born, of nursing, that my babies had to go through so much pain. I still get flooded with these emotions, but I realize how blessed I am to have had them come home at all. Right now is just one of those times that I feel cheated and flooded.