Monday, October 11, 2010

Fear Has Intensified

My fear of Anna being born early has done just that... intensified. It seems like every week that passes, the fear becomes worse to where I feel like I can't breathe. It doesn't help that I've had to cancel 3 appointments with Dr. Love because I am without my car. My mom is letting me borrow hers, but I don't feel comfortable driving it to Nashville. I haven't had my 20 week ultrasound yet. I'm only 21 weeks, but I haven't heard her heartbeat in 4 weeks now. I can feel her move and that's been reassuring, but I need the ultrasound. It's like a drug. I'm so scared of something being wrong and going this long without a doctor's appointment is driving me crazy. I feel anxious ALL THE TIME! It's enough to drive a person crazy. I think my antidepressants are helping me keep my sanity though. Thank goodness I need them to also keep me from vomiting.

Last night I had a dream that Anna was born. Like now. 4 months early. But she was big and healthy. She didn't have to go to the NICU. She was born already smiling and she had dimples and she was bald. We were in some kind of store and I was carrying her around while shopping. I also had a dream about my bank account and fixing myself something to drink. It was a crazy night for dreams I suppose. I'm excited about having another girl. Abbie is my cuddle bug and I love it when she wakes up and drags her blanket and her bunny into the living room and crawls up in my lap to snuggle. It's the best time. My hope is that she will want to snuggle with "baby sister" when she is born. Nate loves Abbie. He hugs her and kisses her whenever she'll let him. It's so sweet, I know he's going to be the best big brother to sister and baby sister, but I worry about Abbie. She's so used to getting all the attention and I don't want to take that from her or have her feel that mommy doesn't have as much time for her. I know it will all work out and they will all love each other.

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