It's Been Awhile

When I sit down in front of my computer to blog, I have one thing on my mind. My guilt. Blogging has become a sort of therapy for me, as it has to so many others. But like others, my emotions linger after I've blogged. I might be crying, or mad, or I might even be happy. But of course, here lately, I'm probably crying.

I have been lied to by a very important person in my life in regards to my decision. They said a lot of hurtful things behind my back and since when I blog, they are usually around, I decided to not blog so that I'm not asked what is wrong and have to lie.

I'm doing better. Guilt still weighs heavy on my shoulders, I was at church last sunday and the preacher was preaching about heaven and made the statement that if you've lost a baby, miscarriage, abortion, or whatever had happened, that as long as you were saved, you were going to go to heaven and you would see your baby again. I instantly have tears fill my eyes everytime I see him saying it. I know he's right and I am saved, which is partly why I cry. The other part is b/c I still want my baby here with me. I still feel incomplete. Nate and Abby are the best accomplishments I have, why wouldn't I want more?

And to know that someone who is as close to me as this person is, feels like I made a stupid decision getting pregnant for a 3rd time, but doesn't say anything to me about it. In fact tells me that I did the right thing... it makes me feel like I shouldn't talk about my feelings or in this case, blog about them. I feel like I should keep this to myself, because if they feel this way and talk about me this way, then the whole world is against me and I need to protect myself.

What I Want

I haven't blogged much because I feel like I'll be saying things over and over again. At least I think about the same things over and over again. You know how they say the definition of insanity is to watch the same thing over and over again expecting a different result? I wonder if that remains true when you think about the same thing over and over again. I think and dream about the same thing, but the ending of my dream is always different. Different in my dreams, but it always ends the same in my life. I go back to August 11 a lot and just think about the day. I think about the 3 month before. I want to change so much. I want to take a pencil eraser to it and rewrite what was supposed to happen. I want to be at Rachael's baby shower on July 18th, rather than the hospital. I want to be at work all those nights that I missed. I want to have my arms around my babies neck rather than having IVs and a PICC line hooked up to them. I want to be out to eat with my precious family rather than in the bathroom regretting that I ate at all. I want so much for the days I was pregnant to be different, but I want to still be pregnant. I hate my body. My body has failed me in so many ways. Since I was 12, I've been sick. I've been sick for more than half of my life, but this takes the cake. My body has forced me to make a decision that no one should ever to make. It has forced me to feel more guilt than one person should ever have to feel. And I have to live with this same body for all my life. How?