When I sit down in front of my computer to blog, I have one thing on my mind. My guilt. Blogging has become a sort of therapy for me, as it has to so many others. But like others, my emotions linger after I've blogged. I might be crying, or mad, or I might even be happy. But of course, here lately, I'm probably crying.
I have been lied to by a very important person in my life in regards to my decision. They said a lot of hurtful things behind my back and since when I blog, they are usually around, I decided to not blog so that I'm not asked what is wrong and have to lie.
I'm doing better. Guilt still weighs heavy on my shoulders, I was at church last sunday and the preacher was preaching about heaven and made the statement that if you've lost a baby, miscarriage, abortion, or whatever had happened, that as long as you were saved, you were going to go to heaven and you would see your baby again. I instantly have tears fill my eyes everytime I see him saying it. I know he's right and I am saved, which is partly why I cry. The other part is b/c I still want my baby here with me. I still feel incomplete. Nate and Abby are the best accomplishments I have, why wouldn't I want more?
And to know that someone who is as close to me as this person is, feels like I made a stupid decision getting pregnant for a 3rd time, but doesn't say anything to me about it. In fact tells me that I did the right thing... it makes me feel like I shouldn't talk about my feelings or in this case, blog about them. I feel like I should keep this to myself, because if they feel this way and talk about me this way, then the whole world is against me and I need to protect myself.