Tuesday, September 22, 2009

It's Been Awhile

When I sit down in front of my computer to blog, I have one thing on my mind. My guilt. Blogging has become a sort of therapy for me, as it has to so many others. But like others, my emotions linger after I've blogged. I might be crying, or mad, or I might even be happy. But of course, here lately, I'm probably crying.

I have been lied to by a very important person in my life in regards to my decision. They said a lot of hurtful things behind my back and since when I blog, they are usually around, I decided to not blog so that I'm not asked what is wrong and have to lie.

I'm doing better. Guilt still weighs heavy on my shoulders, I was at church last sunday and the preacher was preaching about heaven and made the statement that if you've lost a baby, miscarriage, abortion, or whatever had happened, that as long as you were saved, you were going to go to heaven and you would see your baby again. I instantly have tears fill my eyes everytime I see him saying it. I know he's right and I am saved, which is partly why I cry. The other part is b/c I still want my baby here with me. I still feel incomplete. Nate and Abby are the best accomplishments I have, why wouldn't I want more?

And to know that someone who is as close to me as this person is, feels like I made a stupid decision getting pregnant for a 3rd time, but doesn't say anything to me about it. In fact tells me that I did the right thing... it makes me feel like I shouldn't talk about my feelings or in this case, blog about them. I feel like I should keep this to myself, because if they feel this way and talk about me this way, then the whole world is against me and I need to protect myself.

1 comment:

The Lynchs said...

I can understand feeling hurt by that kind of reaction from someone that you care about. From personal experience though, bottled up feelings only harbor anger and bitterness, and they can do more harm then good. I'm still praying for you! You'll get through this!