Friday, October 2, 2009

My Love Will Fly to You Each Night on Angel's Wings

Here's an update on what's going on here lately. I started back to Beauty School after quitting 8 years ago. I'm not going for cosmetology however, I'm going for nail technology. That's right, I want to be a little asian girl sitting behind a manicure table asking, "wha cuhla?". Seriously, I enjoyed the nail aspect of cosmetology when I studied before, and Tim was supportive and told me that I should do it. So I'm doing it. I am the only nail tech student there and I get forgotten at times, but that's ok. I think I can learn everything I need to know on bing, google, and you tube. I like the girls that I go to school with, they are a lot of fun.. Full of drama of course, but fun. I go from 8:00am - 4:30pm Tuesday thru Friday. I'm off on wednesdays and thursdays so that makes tuesdays and fridays hard for sleep, but we are working thru it. If I go like I'm supposed to, I should be done in 6 months. I probably had enough on my plate without going back to school with a home, full time job, and 2 kids, but I wanted something else to keep my mind preoccupied. I don't want to forget, I love Baby Boo and he will always be in my heart, but I need to get past the anger. I look at women that are pregnant and I instantly want to leave their presence. I used to not be that way. I used to love to talk to preggie women about their morning sickness (which is still an understatment), their growing bellies, the hemeroids, the constant urination, the kicks and punches, everything... and now, I don't even want to say "congratulations". I want to get past that. I want to heal that part of myself and what better than going somewhere where the majority of people there are women. I walked in on my first day and there are 4 women pregnant and 2 that are trying.

It was bad at first. I didnt really talk to anyone, I didnt ask any questions, I just... sat there. Wednesday was better. I asked them how far along they were and they told me... and that was it as far as small talk. Thursday an improvement. I asked them how they were feeling and what kind of symptoms did they have. And today I actually talked. I talked about Nate and Abby and my pregnancy with them and we compared. I didnt talk about Baby Boo. I didn't mention anything about having a third child. And now, I have so much guilt that I feel like it's going to swallow me whole. I don't think it's anyone's business, but I want to be there and tell them how I'm feeling too. I want to be part of the preggo club. And I'm supposed to be. I'm supposed to be 20 weeks pregnant this coming tuesday. We would be finding out if it was a girl or a boy. Which I was so sure when I was pregnant that it was a boy, it would just confirm that I was right. And now? now? I keep it quiet as if it never happened. I suppose I could tell them about it, but I don't want anyone to judge me or feel sorry for me.

I saw a 4 day old baby today at the school. I'm not sure why his mama had him out, but she did and I saw him and I started missing my Baby Boo. Somedays I'm scared that I'm forgetting and somedays I can't forget for a second. I have a friend who reminded me of the song Godspeed by Dixie Chicks. It's a song that is close to her heart and now it's one that's close to mine.

Godspeed, little man

Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Sweet dreams

I miss you Baby Boo.

1 comment:

The Lynchs said...

Good for you for going to school! I know it's still hard, and I'm still praying for you!