Thursday, September 10, 2009

What I Want

I haven't blogged much because I feel like I'll be saying things over and over again. At least I think about the same things over and over again. You know how they say the definition of insanity is to watch the same thing over and over again expecting a different result? I wonder if that remains true when you think about the same thing over and over again. I think and dream about the same thing, but the ending of my dream is always different. Different in my dreams, but it always ends the same in my life. I go back to August 11 a lot and just think about the day. I think about the 3 month before. I want to change so much. I want to take a pencil eraser to it and rewrite what was supposed to happen. I want to be at Rachael's baby shower on July 18th, rather than the hospital. I want to be at work all those nights that I missed. I want to have my arms around my babies neck rather than having IVs and a PICC line hooked up to them. I want to be out to eat with my precious family rather than in the bathroom regretting that I ate at all. I want so much for the days I was pregnant to be different, but I want to still be pregnant. I hate my body. My body has failed me in so many ways. Since I was 12, I've been sick. I've been sick for more than half of my life, but this takes the cake. My body has forced me to make a decision that no one should ever to make. It has forced me to feel more guilt than one person should ever have to feel. And I have to live with this same body for all my life. How?

1 comment:

Sassy said...

Traci, your words break my heart. I can feel your grief. I hope you know that you are loved and prayed for and I can only hope that someday your mind and heart can be at peace. You're right. No one should ever have to make the choice you made. Period. However, when looking at the alternative, what other choice was there?

God is in control. He brought you to this journey and he will lead you through it. Take comfort in knowing that there is nothing that happens that He didn't already foresee. He knows your heart and your struggles. Lean on Him.

Right now your precious baby is on the lap of Jesus! What better place is there for any of us?

Praying for you always,