What I Want

I haven't blogged much because I feel like I'll be saying things over and over again. At least I think about the same things over and over again. You know how they say the definition of insanity is to watch the same thing over and over again expecting a different result? I wonder if that remains true when you think about the same thing over and over again. I think and dream about the same thing, but the ending of my dream is always different. Different in my dreams, but it always ends the same in my life. I go back to August 11 a lot and just think about the day. I think about the 3 month before. I want to change so much. I want to take a pencil eraser to it and rewrite what was supposed to happen. I want to be at Rachael's baby shower on July 18th, rather than the hospital. I want to be at work all those nights that I missed. I want to have my arms around my babies neck rather than having IVs and a PICC line hooked up to them. I want to be out to eat with my precious family rather than in the bathroom regretting that I ate at all. I want so much for the days I was pregnant to be different, but I want to still be pregnant. I hate my body. My body has failed me in so many ways. Since I was 12, I've been sick. I've been sick for more than half of my life, but this takes the cake. My body has forced me to make a decision that no one should ever to make. It has forced me to feel more guilt than one person should ever have to feel. And I have to live with this same body for all my life. How?