Tuesday, December 21, 2010

This Just Sucks

I thought I had mentally prepared myself for Anna to be in the hospital over Christmas. I knew there was a good chance it would happen given Nate and Abbie were both premature as well. I remember how hard it was to experience Abbie's first Fourth of July without her so I made a plan of how Christmas Day was going to be for us in the McKee household. And that is still the plan. But as Christmas Day nears, I find that regardless of how much planning I do, I want my Anna home with us. I want Nate and Abbie to help their sister unwrap her gifts in our living room, not in the NICU. I want to dress her up and take her to our family's houses and show off my beautiful family. I want Nate and Abbie to meet Anna without wires and tubes hooked to her. It's scary for anyone to see, but now I'm going to traumatize my 2 and 3 year old by having them meet their 2lb sister with nasal prongs and a feeding tube down her throat.

I was sad about this yesterday. I fought back tears all day it seems like. And I would probably be admitted to the hospital for dehydration had I allowed myself to cry. But Nate and Abbie plead with me not to cry and because they don't understand why I am crying, I really try not to. But today... today I am angry. I am mad that my baby was born so early. I am mad that her little body has to fight so hard to live. I am angry that she has felt the physical pain she has because of me. Because my body can't carry a child to term and give the baby a healthy start. Don't get me wrong, I'm very thankful that Anna is doing as well as she is. It's been a rough ride, but Anna is a firework and she is going to light up the world. I know it! She is special, one look at her and you know she is. I can't wait to have her home so that I can look at her whenever I want.

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