Days of Thanks

We see how long I kept up with the whole 365 Days of Thanks... a whole 41 days!! Go Me! Yeah, it wasn't working out like I thought it would. With 3 kids, a dog, a husband, and more sickness than I like to think about, I just couldn't do it. I am planning on blogging more, but I can't everyday even if I exclude weekends. I have a crazy busy life and if I were being honest, there are a lot of times I would turn on the computer to blog just to turn it off because I didn't feel like it. And let's face it, I don't really have any readers so this is for me and to make me happy and something for my kids to reflect on when they get older. I'm not disappointed in myself by any means. I tried and did good for 41 days and that's longer than I thought I would go. But now it's time for me to blog when I feel like it. Journal what I want when I want. That is all.

December 17, 2012

I'm an hour late for this post, but I've been late on a lot of posts, especially here lately. Anyhoo... tonight was the Christmas Program at Nate and Abbie's school. Nate didn't participate because he doesn't do well with loud noises. He seems to suffer from sensory overload, but we are still working with doctors for a behavioral diagnosis (that's another story). He sat with Anna in my lap and we watched as all the grades sang their Christmas song. Before the program started, all I could think about were the residents of Newton, CT. Specifically, Sandy Hook Elementary. How instead of attending the children's Christmas program, they are attending funerals. I thanked God for keeping our children safe. I prayed  for Newton, CT and Sandy Hook Elementary. I am thankful for these little moments and good times and candid pictures taken. Here is the picture of Abbie when she sees me in the crowd.

December 15 and 16, 2012

This weekend was busy busy. Saturday, Tim and I almost finished our Christmas shopping. I got Abbie some pretty, sparkly boots that she absolutely loves. I love seeing her face light up when she gets something she really likes and there isn't much she doesn't like. I had to give them to her because they matched her dress that she wore for church on Sunday. After Friday's tragedy, I was thankful for time. Time that I'm able to spend with my children. So many families want one more night with their kids and I have that.
Sunday we went to church for a Christmas program. I didn't realize they wouldn't have children's church so Abbie had to go with me to "big" church. She was impressive. She got a little antsy as most 4 years olds do especially when they are sitting in the same place for an hour. But I gave her a pen and a piece of paper and she kept herself entertained for a little while. It gave her break in the middle of the program. Nate and Anna stayed home. Nate didn't want to go which is o.k., I don't want to force him to go and make him hate when he gets older, although he will go when he gets older whether he wants to or not. And I'm still scared to take Anna out to public places... I got to thinking about it and the only place she really goes is to school. I'm just terrified of her getting sick and something happening to her. I almost lost her once and I don't want to go through that again. I am thankful for her health. She has had bronchitis once this season and she got  a few colds last winter, but other than that, she has been healthy.

December 14, 2012

Today a horrible tragedy occured. One that will change not only the lives of those involved, but the entire nation. A shooter entered an elementary school and killed at least 20 children and numerous adults and then killed himself. He was a coward that performed a cowardly act. I can't begin to express my anger over the entire situation, but mostly because he couldn't face what he did. If you can't face  the consequences due to your actions, than perhaps you shouldn't act. I believe there is a special place in hell where these kind of people will reside and I hope they are tortured and burn in the lake of fire. I feel for the friends and family of not only the victims, but for the murderer as well because they too, are victims. It's sad and senseless. But it's these times that make me appreciate having one more night with my children and family. It's these times that I'm thankful for my trials and tribulations, because I think the worst thing I could be put through is something of this magnitude. I would rather have a terminal illness than to lose my child. I am able to hug my children and kiss them and love them where there are at least 20 families tonight who would give anything to have one more night. I'm thankful for my one more night. My prayers, thoughts, and positive energy are in Newton, CT tonight with all the people effected. And I hope they know that the entire nation is behind them, mourning for their loss.

December 12 and 13, 2012

I'm still feeling pretty blah, so I am, again, consolidating 2 days into 1. Showers. I love showers. And you know how you want what you can't have? Yeah, I feel like that now. Due to my autonomic dysfunction, I have trouble maintaining my blood pressure, especially when I stand. My blood pressure drops drastically when I stand, so much so that I feel like I'm going to pass out. And do you know what that means? Yeah, it means a stinky, smelly Momma who wants a shower. I've stayed in bed for the most of the past 2 days... oh, who am I kidding... I've been in bed every day since Monday. And I have too much to do to stay in bed. I've got gifts to buy, gifts to make, babies to bathe, a house to clean, a body to clean, and the list goes on and on. Tim has been great, helping in every way he can, but he can't do it all... no matter how super he is. And the one thing I need and want he can't do. I want to shower. And I'm glad I have the option to shower whenever I want and hopefully I will tonight.

December 10 and 11, 2012

I'm going to consolidate the past 2 days into 1. I haven't felt good the past 2 days and have been curled up on the couch watching Netflix. What a wonderful invention Netflix is. This season, I started watching Private Practice and after seeing a conversation on Facebook about the show, I decided I needed to watch it from Season 1 Episode 1. I didn't realize there were so many seasons with so many episodes and I'm thankful that Netflix is available so that I can watch at my leisure on my laptop or on my tablet not just this show, but practically any show or movie available online. It definitely makes my sick days bearable. Now if I'm put in the hospital without internet access, I may have some issues... unless there is a Duck Dynasty marathon on :-)

December 8 and 9, 2012

I'm thankful for the little moments and the lessons you can learn.

On Saturday, we went with Emily and Bubba and her 3 children to Bass Pro Shop to see Santa. The time we waited (1.5 hours) was worth the 3 minutes Nate and Abbie spent to see him. It was crazy in there and I felt rushed by all the people around so I rushed Nate and Abbie. "sit down with Santa... ok... look at the camera... ok... tell Santa what you want... ok, let's go", We then went through Shadrach's Christmas Wonderland. It's a drive thru christmas lights show. We all piled in the van and it was beautiful. Lights every where and in tune with the music on the radio station and all in the comfort of our own vehicle. Nate and Abbie fell asleep on the way home and I reflected. I felt like I cheated them out of the experience with Santa. So I decided that on Sunday I would take them to the mall (early in the day) for them to see Santa.

That brings me to Sunday. We started off Sunday by going to church with my Dad. It's the church I grew up in. We went to Sunday school and then to "big church". We went Sunday night and Wednesday night. I griped about it when I was younger, and now I'm thankful. Church is something I want to get back into and take my kids to. It's a great support system and one that I want the kids to have. We went to eat with Grandad and GiGi afterwards and then off to the mall. We waited less than 5 minutes to see Santa and then there wasn't anyone waiting behind us so my kids talked to him and had pictures made without me barking in their ear that they needed to hurry. It was special and it taught me to slow down and just enjoy the moment so that my kids can enjoy the moment.

December 7, 2012

Today I am thankful for forgiveness. I am thankful that I am able to forgive and that I had the realization a long time ago, that I need to forgive for myself and not necessarily those that I feel had done me wrong. I have been hurt (and I'm sure I have hurt others) and I would hold a grudge. I would hold a grudge so large that it would consume me and my thoughts. I would see someone out that I felt had done me wrong and instantaneously become angry. I would walk the other way and spite them in my mind. I had no desire to see them ever again as long as I lived. When I started getting sick, I realized, I had no room for that anger. The room that the anger occupied needed to be evicted so that love and happiness  could expand. I decided to let it all go. I let every grudge I held, go. And with that I found a bag of bricks had been lifted off my shoulders. I would see those people and rather than go the other way, I would continue in the direction I was going and smile. I didn't have to say anything and it felt good to walk away without any ill feelings toward them. I only hope that the people who feel I did them wrong also forgive me so that we all are filled with love and happiness. Not for the person, but for ourselves.

December 6, 2012

I watch Grey's Anatomy every Thursday and I also DVR every new episode. The episodes that focus around babies I watch intently and put myself in the parent's position. I know it's a dramatization of real life, but having 3 kids in the NICU for different reasons, I can't help but wonder how I would react if any of my children went through what the baby in that episode was going through. How would I react. I almost always go back to the day Anna coded because a lot of parents don't ever hear the words "you're baby is in critical condition. Both of her lungs collapsed and she coded." Not every parent lives through one of their worst nightmares, not the worst, but one of the worst. Not every parent feels like they have had all the air sucked out of their body. I remember feeling like everything was going by so fast while my world stood still. I remember driving to the hospital and it taking forever. Forever to park. Forever to walk in. Forever to scrub my arms. Forever to walk the length of the short hallway to her incubator, but I reached it and I was there. Looking at her small, beautiful, and fragile body rise up and down with the assistance of the ventilator. I stood there for I don't know how long.. until a nurse brought me a chair. And then I sat there... and sat there... and sat there... it felt like it had been minutes, but in reality it was 2 hours. There were so many thoughts going through my head. I played every scenario in my head. I fantasized about walking out of the hospital with her in the carrier, headed to pick up Nate and Abbie to spend our first night at home as a complete family. And I thought about walking out of the hospital without her. I didn't know anything about planning a funeral especially one for my baby. Songs ran through my mind. Plans. I was making plans for an outcome I knew nothing about. I decided to pray. I prayed that God would hold these little babies in his hands and comfort them and love them as only he could. I prayed that he hold all the doctors and nurses in his hands as our children were in their care. My baby wasn't the only one in the NICU and as far as I knew, my baby wasn't the worst off. So I made sure I prayed for all the babies. I still do, I pray for all the babies and their parents and the doctors and the nurses. I pray for all support of the families who are going through health crisis'.

Today I am thankful for many things. But mostly I am thankful for the power of prayer. I'm thankful for everyone who believes in prayer and prayed for all of my children while they were in the hospital and sick. I'm thankful for 3 beautiful, bright, and healthy kids that will know they are miracles in this unfair and sometimes cruel world. That they are lights at the end of the tunnel.

December 5, 2012

I am thankful for Duck Dynasty. I know... I know.. it's silly, but seriously... I was in the hospital from last Thursday until Sunday at a hospital without internet access and limited tv. One of the channels, however, was A&E, where there was a Duck Dynasty marathon. I've never watched the show before and had no desire although some of my friends and my brother love it. So I turned it on and began to watch and within the first 2 minutes I was laughing hysterically. That show is the funniest show I have seen in a looooooong time. Si is my favorite. I would marry him if I could. And if it weren't for the show and the marathon on I would have been bored to death. Thank you A&E, thank you Robertson family, and thank you Si for making my hospital stay laughable.

November 27, 28, 29, and 30, 2012. December 1, 2,3, and 4, 2012

I'm starting to slack, but in my defense, I have been in the hospital fighting an infection and the hospital I was at didn't have internet. I would have had Tim fill in, but I didn't think about asking him and I was so far behind by the time I thought about it, I decided to wait and I would make a list of 8 things I was thankful for in one post. 1. I am thankful for antibiotics. 2. I am thankful for chocolate. 3. I am thankful that Tim was able to work while I was in the hospital. 4. I am thankful that I decided to test drive Santa's toys. 5. I am thankful that I didn't have to be jabbed a gazillion times for an I.V. 6. I am thankful that my blood pressure is regulating itself and I'm needing less and less medicine to keep it up. 7. I am thankful that I was able to go grocery shopping yesterday. 8. I am thankful that today, I felt good and got all that I wanted to get accomplished. And tomorrow I will resume with what I'm thankful for with a story to follow. I hope.