December 6, 2012

I watch Grey's Anatomy every Thursday and I also DVR every new episode. The episodes that focus around babies I watch intently and put myself in the parent's position. I know it's a dramatization of real life, but having 3 kids in the NICU for different reasons, I can't help but wonder how I would react if any of my children went through what the baby in that episode was going through. How would I react. I almost always go back to the day Anna coded because a lot of parents don't ever hear the words "you're baby is in critical condition. Both of her lungs collapsed and she coded." Not every parent lives through one of their worst nightmares, not the worst, but one of the worst. Not every parent feels like they have had all the air sucked out of their body. I remember feeling like everything was going by so fast while my world stood still. I remember driving to the hospital and it taking forever. Forever to park. Forever to walk in. Forever to scrub my arms. Forever to walk the length of the short hallway to her incubator, but I reached it and I was there. Looking at her small, beautiful, and fragile body rise up and down with the assistance of the ventilator. I stood there for I don't know how long.. until a nurse brought me a chair. And then I sat there... and sat there... and sat there... it felt like it had been minutes, but in reality it was 2 hours. There were so many thoughts going through my head. I played every scenario in my head. I fantasized about walking out of the hospital with her in the carrier, headed to pick up Nate and Abbie to spend our first night at home as a complete family. And I thought about walking out of the hospital without her. I didn't know anything about planning a funeral especially one for my baby. Songs ran through my mind. Plans. I was making plans for an outcome I knew nothing about. I decided to pray. I prayed that God would hold these little babies in his hands and comfort them and love them as only he could. I prayed that he hold all the doctors and nurses in his hands as our children were in their care. My baby wasn't the only one in the NICU and as far as I knew, my baby wasn't the worst off. So I made sure I prayed for all the babies. I still do, I pray for all the babies and their parents and the doctors and the nurses. I pray for all support of the families who are going through health crisis'.

Today I am thankful for many things. But mostly I am thankful for the power of prayer. I'm thankful for everyone who believes in prayer and prayed for all of my children while they were in the hospital and sick. I'm thankful for 3 beautiful, bright, and healthy kids that will know they are miracles in this unfair and sometimes cruel world. That they are lights at the end of the tunnel.