23 Weeks and Counting...

That's right... I have (hopefully) 10 - 12 weeks left until I meet Baby Anna. Dr. Love is still hoping for a 34 weeker, but of course we could have a 30 weeker. Time has flown by. I thought I had prepared myself, mentally, for another baby and I realized on Sunday that I hadn't. My dad called and asked me about Christmas. Christmas?? I told him I couldn't talk about Christmas right now because I still had Halloween and Thanksgiving to think about. He so politely reminded me that Halloween was a week away and Thanksgiving is less than a month away. And then it hit me. That if my body turns on me we could have Anna here in a little over a month. (Body please don't turn on me). I mean, if I'm being realistic, Anna could be born before Christmas. I can't think about that. I can't think about the holidays. I called Tim as I was having a panic attack. I don't think he realized I was having a panic attack as he told me that he was trying to cope with the thought that I may be in the hospital over the holidays.. SAY WHAT??? That's not possible. I can't be in the hospital over the holidays. I have to be home to see Nate and Abbie open their gifts from Santa. I have how Christmas will play out if Anna is born, but not if I'm still in the hospital.

I, of course, won't be doing any cooking or entertaining... on Christmas Eve, I'm going to go visit Anna and take gifts for Nate and Abbie (the ones that are from Anna) there to put under her crib. I'm going to spend time with her and love on her as much as I possibly can. I will come home to go to Tim's family. I will show pictures of Anna and play with Nate and Abbie as well as my nieces and nephews. That night will be spent getting everything prepared for Santa. And of course making sure Santa has put everything out for them. Christmas morning, we will wake up and let Nate and Abbie open up their gifts and play before getting ready to go to my Dad's. We will go eat breakfast over there and spend time with that side of my family. We are usually done about 10 or 11am in the past and hopefully that will stay true. I then want to leave and I want to pick up my Mom and hopefully Bubba (my brother) and Sissy (his girlfriend) and head to Nashville to see Anna. Nate and Abbie will help her open her gifts and they will open the gifts from Anna. And of course there will be lots of pictures taken. I want to spend as much time with Anna as I can. It's a long drive back and forth to Nashville from where we live which is why I hope my Mom, Bubba, and Sissy can come. Hopefully they'll take Nate and Abbie to the NICU visiting room so I can stay with Anna or maybe even take them home so they can play with their new toys. I hope it doesn't sound like I'm trying to spend more time with Anna than with Nate and Abbie. I'm hoping to evenly divide my time and spend Christmas morning with them and Christmas afternoon with Anna. Of course I want Nate and Abbie to be included in that time, but their attention span is limited and there isn't much to do in the NICU.

Again, that's how I have it planned in my head, but it may play out differently. But either way, I'm not planning on being in the hospital over Christmas. Hopefully Dr. Love can keep me in good health until after the holidays.

Fear Has Intensified

My fear of Anna being born early has done just that... intensified. It seems like every week that passes, the fear becomes worse to where I feel like I can't breathe. It doesn't help that I've had to cancel 3 appointments with Dr. Love because I am without my car. My mom is letting me borrow hers, but I don't feel comfortable driving it to Nashville. I haven't had my 20 week ultrasound yet. I'm only 21 weeks, but I haven't heard her heartbeat in 4 weeks now. I can feel her move and that's been reassuring, but I need the ultrasound. It's like a drug. I'm so scared of something being wrong and going this long without a doctor's appointment is driving me crazy. I feel anxious ALL THE TIME! It's enough to drive a person crazy. I think my antidepressants are helping me keep my sanity though. Thank goodness I need them to also keep me from vomiting.

Last night I had a dream that Anna was born. Like now. 4 months early. But she was big and healthy. She didn't have to go to the NICU. She was born already smiling and she had dimples and she was bald. We were in some kind of store and I was carrying her around while shopping. I also had a dream about my bank account and fixing myself something to drink. It was a crazy night for dreams I suppose. I'm excited about having another girl. Abbie is my cuddle bug and I love it when she wakes up and drags her blanket and her bunny into the living room and crawls up in my lap to snuggle. It's the best time. My hope is that she will want to snuggle with "baby sister" when she is born. Nate loves Abbie. He hugs her and kisses her whenever she'll let him. It's so sweet, I know he's going to be the best big brother to sister and baby sister, but I worry about Abbie. She's so used to getting all the attention and I don't want to take that from her or have her feel that mommy doesn't have as much time for her. I know it will all work out and they will all love each other.

Doctor's Appointment

So in my previous blog, I mentioned that Nate, Abbie, and Tim went with me to my doctor's appointment after all . However, they didn't go back with me. Tim had to take them out to the elevators and walk with them because of how restless they were. They first performed the ultrasound to measure growth, I mentioned to the technician that it was my birthday and asked if she would look to find out the gender. Of course she was more than happy to oblige my request, I love my doctor and the entire practice. They are awesome. So she measured the growth and the baby is growing like she should. That's right... she. IT'S A GIRL. I'm so excited. Besides the fact that we still have all of Abbie's baby clothes, it's confirmation that I've been right about the gender of all my babies. Her name? Annalise Jane. Ann is Tim's mom's middle name and Jane is my mom's middle name and now one of our children will have a family name. I couldn't stop smiling after that and then, while I was waiting to be taken back to an exam room, I heard the woman in the room next to where I was sitting. She was sobbing. Dr. Love walked out alongside another person whom I didn't recognize and they looked indifferent. I realized they were showing their "game" faces. And the woman had obviously had a not so happy ultrasound and I was suddenly overridden with guilt and gratefulness. I said a prayer and shed a couple of tears for the young woman crying in the next room. I pray for her every night. I don't know her name, I don't know what the doctor found or what she was told. I just know that those were not tears of joy she was pouring. I pray that God comfort her and her family. That he wrap his arms around her and hold her. I know what it's like not getting good news. I know what it's like to have worse case scenario come into play. And I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy much less a stranger.

I am very blessed to have a healthy and active baby in my belly. And I love her although I've never met her. And I feel very blessed to have her. I have a bond with her that I didn't have with Nate and Abbie. I didn't bond with Nate until he was born. It was so hard to carry him that I separated myself from him until I saw him. Abbie... I don't remember my pregnancy with Abbie, but I know I didn't feel this strongly about her like I do now with Anna. I think it mostly, if not completely, has to do with the last pregnancy. I thought Nate and Abbie were going to be my only babies. I thought I wouldn't be able to have anymore babies whatsoever because of how the last pregnancy played out. It goes to show you that miracles can and do happen. Nate and Abbie are definitely miracles. Both being happy and healthy preemies. I love love love Nate, Abbie, and Anna more than words can say.

Venting

Which is exactly what I'm going to do. My birthday was Wednesday and it was a complete disaster from the get go. And it seems that it wasn't just a bad day, but it has leaked and turned into a bad week as well. I had an appointment with Dr. Love on my birthday at 10am. I wasn't upset about it because of how early it was and the fact that I had an ultrasound scheduled and we would be able to tell if the baby was a girl or a boy. Tim took the day off, but had to go to work for a meeting early in the morning. Although I wasn't pleased with this, it was fine since the meeting was at 6:30 in the morning. He was going to meet me at my mother's house and watch the kids so I could go to my doctor's appointment without distraction. It would've been great if it was that easy, but of course it wasn't going to be. I got up and got the kids dressed and in the car and we set en-route to "Grann's" house right on time. My mother lives and Tim works in Murfreesboro which is 30 minutes from where I live, but it's on the way to Nashville so it wasn't a big deal to go there. I got a call when I was 10 minutes away from my Grann's house from Tim telling me that I have to turn around and go back home to get some paperwork he had forgotten. I can't tell you how mad I was and how much I "voiced" my unhappiness. See, now I don't have time to take the kids to my mother's because even though she lives in the town in between where I live and Nashville, it's on the otherside of where I have to be in order to get to Nashville. So that threw a huge wrench in my plans for the day. Not to mention that I was unable to stop at Starbucks which was in my timeline for the morning. I ended up giving Tim his paperwork and then he ended up going with me to the appointment so that he could watch the kids while I went to the doctor. I have to say that I was reluctant to the idea of spending any time with Tim on this day after that morning. I'm glad he went with me now. The appointment lasted 2 hours because of the ultrasound and the fact that all doctor's run late and are never on time. He endured the screaming and fussing while waiting instead of me. He also kept them out of the office all together because of their unhappiness and frustration of waiting. Nate is 3 and Abbie is 2... they don't understand the reasons of waiting. They want everything NOW.  So they were ready to leave after 15 minutes.

So we leave the appointment (the appointment and ultrasound info will be in another post). And we are now on our way to Grann's so she can watch the babies and Tim and I can go eat for my birthday when the car breaks down. We have been leaking antifreeze so Tim puts more in the tank and we leave. When we get to Grann's, the car still isn't working properly. I take the babies into the air-conditioned house and I leave Tim to worry about the car. He calls a couple of people. One says is sounds like head gasket the other says possible thermostat problem. Tim thinks it more of a thermostat issue and does what the guy told him to do under the hood and we leave to go eat at a Hibachi grill. Yummy food, but I wish I could have had sushi. I loooooove sushi, but I'll wait and load up once the baby is born. We leave and the car stalls in the middle of a busy street in a college town during rush hour. Tim was able to drive it at 5mph to a gas station. I then sit in the car while he calls more people. It ends up that the dealership where we bought the car towed it back to their shop, my brother's girlfriend (Sissy) picks me up and takes me to Grann's, and my brother (Bubba) picks Tim up after the car was towed and we all meet at Grann's for birthday cake. Yeah, Happy Birthday to me!

It seems that it is the head gasket and the dealership says that the car is under warranty but we have to have all the service records for the car. Well, we don't have that since we bought the car used. The dealership says they will fix it, but it will cost us. I have had this car for less than 90 days and have put less than 5000 miles on it. I have paid to have it's fluids changed. I even put gas in it before bought it because it was sitting on empty and I needed to test drive it. (they were supposed to reimburse me for it, but never did). And more than that, we have to find someway to get it from Nashville to Shelbyville so that we can even get it fixed. They won't tow it back to Murfreesboro where they picked it up from. I don't know what I'm going to do. All these doctor's appointments and now I don't have a car? FML

This Past Week

I absolutely love my doctor. Have I mentioned that?? I talked to him about the anxiety I was having and he performed an ultrasound to ease my mind. I wasn't scheduled for one, but his doppler to hear the baby's heartbeat went "missing" so an ultrasound was necessary to find out how fast it was beating. It was a pretty uneventful doctor's appointment and I wish I could say that was the last time I saw him... but it wasn't. On Thursday, hyperemesis reared it's ugly head and by Saturday I was in the hospital hooked up to an i.v. receiving fluids, phenagrin, zofran, and a medicine that seems to be helping with nausea and vomiting called Remeron. I had to be transported by ambulance because of how severe I had let it get, but I try everything I have at home and come close to death before allowing anyone to take me to a hospital. Stupid? Maybe... but I hate hospitals and pray as hard as I can for God to stop it before allowing a doctor to come near me.

I went to Baptist since that's where Dr. Love is based out of and he thinks that I need the level of care Baptist Hospital has to offer. MTMC is a good hospital, but it doesn't have as high of level of care I seem to need. The plus side?? I was placed on the antipartum floor which is also the NICU floor. They were in the middle of reconstruction when I was pregnant with Baby Boo and now seem to be finished and it has completely changed. It's completely sealed off except for the admitting area which also has an access door to the 3rd floor parking garage of the hospital. And when I say sealed off, I mean if you turn left which takes you to the NICU, you run into a door with an intercom system and you have to buzz in and let a nurse let you in. If you don't have a bracelet on to show, you can't go any further. They even have special bracelets for visitors to wear. From what I know, when you go in to have a baby... The mother and father are given a certain number of bracelets for visitors for their baby. Mother and father have hospital bracelets. If you haven't been given one of those visitor bracelets or aren't with the mother or father, you can't visit. Now, if you go to the right of the admitting area, you run into another door you have to buzz that leads you to the antipartum part. Which is the part of the floor that houses pregnant women who need medical attention. Not as restrictive as the NICU, but still a restricted area. 

One of my fears when I had Nate was that he would be taken and I was comforted by the measures the hospital took to make sure that didn't happen. Now it's impressive. 

Tim came and saw me on Sunday and took me down to the gift shop so I could buy a magazine, but also so that I could see a set of 4 walls that weren't my room. Two older ladies came in the gift shop while I was reading the tabloids and asked about where the NICU was. Tim told them about the restrictive measures and they were upset that you couldn't look "in the window" (as one of them put it). This made me a little more than upset. NO there are no windows. NICU is for preemie and less than healthy babies. You don't see 2lb babies on the street do you? NO. I have also never seen a baby outside the NICU with a ventilator or hooked up to a ton of tubes. And there is a reason for that... you aren't supposed to see it. I expressed my more than upset attitude once these ladies were out of earshot. I knew they were probably unexperienced in the sick baby category, but nonetheless.. I'm 4 months pregnant, in the hospital away from my babies and therefore extremely emotional and expressive, so I had Tim buy me my magazine and take me back to my room and I took a nap.

I have accepted that my baby, regardless of gestational age when it's born, is going to be a NICU baby. I'm diabetic and it is what it is. But I pray, every night and day, that Dr. Love gets me to 34 weeks gestational so that I can take Baby McKee #3 home the same day I'm discharged. 

Anyway... I came home on Monday and everything has been "normal" since. I have another doctors appointment on Wednesday which is also my birthday. I'm having an ultrasound for growth, but I'm hoping they will try and find out if the baby is a girl or a boy since it is my birthday. 

Anxiety

I have a doctors appointment today. Nothing major, just my biweekly check-in with Dr. Love. Like anyone, I don't particularly care for doctors. But I'm especially anxious today and I'm not sure why. I feel very nervous and I can't stop shaking. I feel as though I'm about to sing in front of a huge crowd. Maybe it's the drive to nashville I fear. I hate driving in nashville, but I've done it a thousand times. I don't know what this nervousness is about, but I hope I am making a mountain out of a molehill.

Fear

I have many fears with this pregnancy. But the one I want to blog about is my fear of another premature baby. Dr. Love has already stated that he would be happy if he could get me to 34 weeks. I would looooove to get to 36 weeks. I have 2 children that I wasn't able to hold right after birth. I wasn't able to nurse them. Nate had an extreme case of jaundice that required him to be under lights most of the time so that we could take him home so I only held him for a few minutes at a time multiple times through out the day. We were able to take him home one week after he was born. That was two days after I was discharged. I thought that was hard until Abbie. I learned what it was to be a parent of a preemie with her. Nate didn't feel like a preemie. I mean, there were other moms around me who had been with their babies for months and were still waiting to take their baby home when Nate was discharged. But I became that mom, the mom who watched other moms and babies go home when Abbie was born weeks before that baby was, but yet they were going home and I still couldn't hold my baby for more than 20 minutes a day. There were many sleepless nights because of anxiety. I consumed myself with thoughts of the NICU calling and giving me bad news. And during the day I would try and spend time with Nate before leaving on my one and a half hour journey to the NICU Abbie was at so that I could hold her for 20 minutes. Hopefully changing her diaper, taking her temperature, and maybe even feeding her through her o.g. tube. I called the NICU every morning to check on her. To see if the doctors said anything different from the day before, find out if she gained an ounce of weight... I had a routine of questions I always asked and before long the nurse would already answer my questions before I even asked them. *Has the doctor seen her yet? If so what did they say? How much did she weigh today? Did she have any spells (apnea)? Is she breathing room air or does she still need oxygen? Did the doctor say anything about when we can try to bottle feed?* I was able to hold her for as long as I wanted when she was 5 weeks old. That was one week before we took her home. Thankfully, we took her home without any special equipment and she weighed 4lbs .5oz at 6 weeks old.

Any NICU mom will tell you it's the hardest thing to have to leave your baby and go home. And to do it day after day, week after week is almost traumatizing. I remember resenting the mothers on the same floor I was on when I was still in the hospital. I would hear their babies cry and would get angry. I wanted my baby in my room. I wanted to console her when she cried. I wanted a nurse to bring her to my room instead of having to make a journey down the hall, take a left, go past the corridor to the elevators, go down 3 floors, take a right, then take the first left, go all the way down that hallway until you come to the only brown door with an intercom system. Buzz in and let them know you are the parents of Baby McKee. Wash your hands all the way up to your elbows with warm water and liquid soap and scrub them with the disposable scrub brushes provided to you above the sink for 3 minutes. Rinse and Dry. And then you can see your baby through a plastic window. And only touch her thru the doors provided on the incubator and don't touch her too softly as that will hurt the baby since their nerves aren't fully developed. Yes, don't rub, gently press your hand up to her back and hold it there.

Please Baby McKee #3... I plead, bake for as long as you need to.