Christmas with The McKee's

This year's Christmas was by far the best. EVER. I hope to have more like this in the future if not better. The kids had a lot of fun. It's hard to believe that it was one year ago that we were visiting Anna J in the NICU for Christmas. It was so much better to have her home and watch her open her gifts with Nate and Abbie. I was so happy and it felt like my family was complete... completely together. Bubba and my Mom came and watched the kids open their gifts and all. It's a time I wish I could put in a box and hold on to. It was just perfect.

I also got a Christmas gifts this year... Tim and I got married on a whim one thursday morning after discussing getting married a few hours the night before. We had known each other for all of 2 months. Seriously, we met March 17, 2006 and got married May 18, 2006. It's hard to explain, but I just knew he was the one I was going to marry when I met him. He had the most gorgeous blue eyes I had ever seen, which Nate has and my heart melts everytime they both look into mine. Needless to say we didn't have time to buy wedding bands... well, we bought cheap rings for ceremonial purposes... lol... mine had stars on it from Hot Topic and Tim's was from Spencer's with some kind of tribal sign on it. I actually wore mine for quite a while until I got pregnant with Abbie and ballooned up and it didn't fit anymore, then I lost it. Tim's went missing as well. I wish we had them now to laugh at. But for Christmas he gave me a beautiful black and clear diamond wedding band. It's gorgeous.

It was a wonderful Christmas with lots of love and laughter. Can't wait to see what the New Year has to bring.

Really? Another One?

What is it you ask? Another medical problem is the answer. I’ve been going back and forth to the hospital for the past couple of months for nausea and vomiting. I’ve had tons of tests run and even went under surgery for the removal of my gallbladder. I hate surgery. There is a reason why God gave us skin, no one is supposed to be able to look at your insides. The thought of being able to look at organs grosses me out. I’m still not used to the idea of my pd catheter. I mean… there is a tube on the outside of my body that goes to the inside of me. I wonder if you looked down the tube, if you could see my stomach? GROSS! I keep it covered with a bandage for that reason. But nonetheless, my gallbladder was removed in order to remedy the problem. It didn’t work. So after another test I was diagnosed with Gastroparesis. What is it? The nerves in my stomach are damaged from Diabetes so when I eat, the nerves don’t send signal to my brain to kick start the digestive process. My food hangs around until I no longer can take it and then begins the nonstop hell. There is a medicine to help, but wouldn’t you know it… I have an intolerance to it. The doctor has started me on a small dose in hopes that I will learn to tolerate it and then hopefully we can increase it later. Until then? This is my reality… back and forth to the hospital.. So I’m waiting patiently for the symptoms to begin. again. and make another hospital trip. again.

I really need to write everything wrong with me as well as the prescriptions I take, because remembering them isn’t working for me.

On a good note, Vanderbilt transplant team called me the other day and I go on November 22nd for all the testing to make sure I can have a kidney/pancreas transplant. I’m extremely nervous and excited at the same time. I’ll have all the tests done which I’ve heard are less than fun. I’ll meet the surgeon, Dr. Hale (his name is so fitting for my life). Hopefully, everything will come back a. ok. and we can continue with the process of the kidney transplant. <3

I’m Sorry…

Nate, Abbie, and Anna,

I wanted to write this for you just in case I’m not here to tell you in person when you are old enough to understand. We are not guaranteed tomorrow and I’m scared that my tomorrows are becoming fewer and fewer.

I was 12 years old when I was diagnosed with diabetes. Diabetes was a gateway disease and after being diagnosed, I had nothing but hard times when it came to my health. I guess since I’m being honest, I should be completely honest. When I was 15, I restricted my insulin intake so that I could eat what I want, but not gain weight. It now has a name called diabulimia. It continued even with the help of rehab. Only it wasn’t due to being scared of gaining weight, but because of money. It’s expensive to be sick and we couldn’t afford it. Daddy didn’t know I wasn’t being compliant, no one did. I just did it. I was compliant while pregnant with all 3 of you. I didn’t want to risk your lives because of my selfishness. But still you were all 3 born too early, but I’m grateful to God for forgiving me and giving me 3 healthy babies. I love you all more than life and I’m so so sorry for not being the mom you deserve. You deserve a better mom than me. Someone who can play with you longer than 10 minutes without getting tired. You deserve a mom who can shower everyday and take you to a playground and push you on the swings. You deserve a mom who kisses your booboos and makes them all better. You probably won’t remember this, but everytime I got sick (which was often), Nate, you would say “Hug and kiss make it all better?” I would always tell you it would and you would give me the best hugs and kisses everytime. I would tell you as enthusiastically as I could that you made it all better and all I needed was to sleep. Abbie, you would lay with me watching whatever silly show was on. I tried to keep it on things you would like… Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, Spongebob Squarepants, or even Little Einsteins. and you would watch your show and be there with me. I loved that. Just being with you made me feel better. Anna… bless your heart. You weren’t even one yet and you would crawl around in the floor playing with whatever caught your eye. You loved cords. Computer cords, cell phone chargers, anything that could plug into the wall. I always made sure they were unplugged, but nonetheless, I wouldn’t watch you as closely as I should’ve. Thank God you never hurt yourself. I love you babies, more than you’ll ever know. And I hope if something does happen to me, that Daddy will find someone who loves you just as much as I do and is able to take care of you better than I could. Remember… no matter what… I AM PROUD OF YOU! I LOVE YOU NO MATTER WHAT! AND I WILL ALWAYS BE WITH YOU!

You are my sunshine. My only sunshine. You make me happppppyyyyyyy when skies are gray. You’ll never know, dear, how much I loooooovvvveee you. Please don’t take, my sunshine, away.

I Love You Nate.

I Love You Abbie.

I Love You Anna.

Where Are We Going?

Crazy… That’s what my dad would say to us when we get in the car and go for a drive when I was younger. I now say it to my 3. I didn’t realize that my dad was being literal. I know he was because I am when I give the same answer to my kids. They like to ask the same question over and over and over again, even if I have acknowledged them. And then when I’ve given them an answer that pacifies them, they will repeat it. It drives me crazy and I love it all at the same time. Here is a typical conversation…

I am packing up diaper bags, snacks, and drinks so that we can go to Gran’s house.

Nate: “Mama, where are ya goin?”

Me: We are going to go bye bye.

Nate: Bye-Bye?

Me: Yes.

Abbie: Where we goin?

Me: Bye-Bye.

Abbie: Bye-Bye?

Me: Yes!

Abbie: Why?

Me: Because we are going to visit Grann.

Abbie: We goin to Grann’s house?

Me: YES!

Nate: Where we goin?

Me: Crazy.

Nate: You goin crazy?

Me: Yes!

Nate: I not wanna go crazy. I wanna go Grann’s house.

Me: *head wall* *head wall*

Good Times. Good Times.

My birthday is in September and when I turned 16 my parents bought me a Mustang. I was one lucky teenage girl. However, I think they bought it to torture me because even though I was 16, I didn’t have my license nor would they allow me to get my license until I completed the driver’s ed course. Who knew the course had a waiting list and I wouldn’t be able to take it until the following summer. The school year had just started weeks before and I was going to have to wait until it ended to take the course and then I was going back to school (in the summer!) OMG… I was going to be 17 before I got my license? AGONY! Thank God my best friend, Lindsey, had her license. My parents agreed that she could drive my car since she didn’t have one. Finally, freedom…. somewhat.

This arrangement worked most of the time, but every now and then I wanted to drive my car and Lindsey had had her license almost an entire year before I got my car… who better to teach me to drive. She would let me drive backroads most of the time, but I did drive in the city some too. I remember learning about red lights. I was in the turn lane waiting for the green arrow. It turned green and so I started to turn, but then I looked above me and saw another red light (the one telling the opposite direction to stop) and so I stopped. Lindsey freaked out a little bit. No more than anyone else who had just witnessed a moving car stop abruptly in the middle of an intersection and I told her about the red light and she explained that it was for the opposite direction (DUH Traci) and so I went on. I’m so glad I made that mistake with her and not with my soon to be driver’s ed classmates. They wouldn’t have been so nice about it.

One of the Firsts…

I remember when I pregnant with Nate and I first felt him kick. It was the day after Thanksgiving in 2006. I was taking a nap, laying down on my stomach with my hands underneath my stomach. I woke up and was laying there trying to remember the dream I just had when I felt a nudge on my hand. It frightened me so I rolled over and realized I had just felt my baby kick. I raised my shirt over my stomach and stared hard at it and not only did I feel him kick, I saw it too. I saw either his foot or his hand poke up. It was the weirdest thing, but it made my pregnancy real. I mean I knew I was pregnant, but it made me realize how serious the pregnancy was. Even though I knew there was a tiny person living inside me a light bulb went off and I realized that within 5 months I was going to meet the beautiful creature that not only made me sicker than a demon possessed human, but my baby. After that day, I was obsessed with everyone feeling him kick. A lot of women don’t want you to touch there belly when they are pregnant… I was the opposite. I wanted to be approached by strangers so they could feel my son kick. I loved sitting on the couch with my shirt raised above my belly and have everyone around me see him move. I was a proud mama from the get go. God Bless You!

I Believe in Angels…

Abbie was a few months old. She had been fussy that night and I was trying to soothe her. We both fell asleep, Abbie was on my chest and I was streched out on the couch. I remember waking up and feeling awful. My sugar was dropping by the minute and I was so weak I couldn’t yell for Tim to help me. I don’t remember a lot, but I remember holding onto Abbie and then passing out. I woke up to paramedics, they had put medicine through an IV to bring my sugar up. My sugar had gotten so low that I had a seizure and Tim woke up because of the loud crash I made when I fell to the floor. All I kept thinking is that I hurt Abbie. That’s why Tim called 911. I hurt Abbie. Apparently I was saying my thoughts out loud and Tim was baffled. He wanted to know what I was talking about. He said, “Traci… You put Abbie in her swing. She was in her swing when I found you?”. The swing was about 10 feet away from the couch. The last thing I remember was holding Abbie close to my chest and wanting to yell for Tim to get her and help me, but not being able to. There was only one explanation… Angels. There had to be at least one angel to pick her up and put her there before I started seizing otherwise I would have surely hurt her when I fell. I know I didn’t do it. I couldn’t yell for help much less pick up Abbie and carry her 10 feet to her swing. I believe angels are all around us and I’m thankful that angels were there to protect her that night and to protect all three of my children of every minute of every day. God Bless You.