Fear

I have many fears with this pregnancy. But the one I want to blog about is my fear of another premature baby. Dr. Love has already stated that he would be happy if he could get me to 34 weeks. I would looooove to get to 36 weeks. I have 2 children that I wasn't able to hold right after birth. I wasn't able to nurse them. Nate had an extreme case of jaundice that required him to be under lights most of the time so that we could take him home so I only held him for a few minutes at a time multiple times through out the day. We were able to take him home one week after he was born. That was two days after I was discharged. I thought that was hard until Abbie. I learned what it was to be a parent of a preemie with her. Nate didn't feel like a preemie. I mean, there were other moms around me who had been with their babies for months and were still waiting to take their baby home when Nate was discharged. But I became that mom, the mom who watched other moms and babies go home when Abbie was born weeks before that baby was, but yet they were going home and I still couldn't hold my baby for more than 20 minutes a day. There were many sleepless nights because of anxiety. I consumed myself with thoughts of the NICU calling and giving me bad news. And during the day I would try and spend time with Nate before leaving on my one and a half hour journey to the NICU Abbie was at so that I could hold her for 20 minutes. Hopefully changing her diaper, taking her temperature, and maybe even feeding her through her o.g. tube. I called the NICU every morning to check on her. To see if the doctors said anything different from the day before, find out if she gained an ounce of weight... I had a routine of questions I always asked and before long the nurse would already answer my questions before I even asked them. *Has the doctor seen her yet? If so what did they say? How much did she weigh today? Did she have any spells (apnea)? Is she breathing room air or does she still need oxygen? Did the doctor say anything about when we can try to bottle feed?* I was able to hold her for as long as I wanted when she was 5 weeks old. That was one week before we took her home. Thankfully, we took her home without any special equipment and she weighed 4lbs .5oz at 6 weeks old.

Any NICU mom will tell you it's the hardest thing to have to leave your baby and go home. And to do it day after day, week after week is almost traumatizing. I remember resenting the mothers on the same floor I was on when I was still in the hospital. I would hear their babies cry and would get angry. I wanted my baby in my room. I wanted to console her when she cried. I wanted a nurse to bring her to my room instead of having to make a journey down the hall, take a left, go past the corridor to the elevators, go down 3 floors, take a right, then take the first left, go all the way down that hallway until you come to the only brown door with an intercom system. Buzz in and let them know you are the parents of Baby McKee. Wash your hands all the way up to your elbows with warm water and liquid soap and scrub them with the disposable scrub brushes provided to you above the sink for 3 minutes. Rinse and Dry. And then you can see your baby through a plastic window. And only touch her thru the doors provided on the incubator and don't touch her too softly as that will hurt the baby since their nerves aren't fully developed. Yes, don't rub, gently press your hand up to her back and hold it there.

Please Baby McKee #3... I plead, bake for as long as you need to.

Project

I love knitting projects and a friend of mine has given me one. She would like for me to make her 2 year old daughter a hat. I absolutely love the pattern. I'm going to post the link for it on here, because it truly is too cute.

http://www.petitepurls.com/Spring10/spring2010_pprecious.html

Why I Blog

I want to chronicle this pregnancy. There are so many things that happened when I was pregnant with Nate that I remember because he was first, that I don't remember with Abbie's pregnancy. I remember when I felt Nate first kick. I remember what we did after the ultrasound when we found out Nate was boy. I don't remember those things with Abbie. I don't remember what it felt like to ever feel her move inside. And although those things are trivial, it's important to me.
So far I haven't had any weird cravings per say. But I have craved things that I don't necessarily like. Milk is one. I'm not a huge fan, but yesterday I drank half a gallon by myself. Orange sherbert is good, but eating an entire gallon in a 3 day period is a bit much. I hate fish, and although it has made me throw up everything except my shoelaces everytime I eat it (and that's probably due to the fact that I don't own a pair of shoes that have laces), I crave it.

I feel the "quickening". It feels like a little rubber ball being bounced in my stomach. It's extreme when I hiccup though. I hate the hiccups with a passion, but I love the "bubbles".

I feel like the baby is a girl and I can't wait to find out since I was right about Nate being a boy and Abbie being a girl. Hopefully we will find out in about 4 weeks.

Deja Vu

I was rereading posts that I made back a little over a year ago... It made me sad. It made me cry. It made me think. On June 21,2009, we found out we were pregnant. But because of complications, my husband and I decided to end the pregnancy. The hardest thing I've ever had to do and something that I can't do again. With that being said... you can't imagine my shock when I found I was pregnant on June 18, 2010. This was not on purpose. This was very surprising to say the least. You could say that my husband's and my relationship wasn't the same after last August. Nonetheless... I am pregnant. Another shocking factor? I'm not sick. Not like I was. I had typical morning sickness, but nothing outside of morning sickness. I am currently 13 weeks pregnant and haven't experienced any sickness in over a week. *I sure hope I didn't jinx myself with that comment.* I've decided to see a different o.b. than I did with Baby Boo. But I actually only see my ob regularly. I have a perintalogist that monitors me bi-weekly if not weekly. I've seen him weekly for the past 3 weeks, but my next appointment was made for 2 weeks after the last one. YAY. I've had 4 ultrasounds... Needless to say that they are making sure that history doesn't repeat itself, so far it's working.

The baby is actually big. And perfect. I have experienced a lot of negativity from those who are supposed to support me. That's o.k. I actually expected it, but I've received a lot of support from people I didn't expect to. Especially my doctor who I will call Dr. Love. Because I do loooove him.  He has been excellent especially after finding out what kind of support system I have with 2 babies already. He was very patient when I had to bring Nate and Abbie to an ultrasound appointment due to the lack of support. He sat up 2 chairs next the bed so they could see me and then put a "tv" screen in their view so they could watch the baby. Loooooove him!

I can't tell you why God has blessed me with another child. I don't understand. AT ALL. But I'm very grateful and blessed.

Google It

I went to the doctor today to find out more about the infection I have. She didn't give me much information. She told me the obvious. That I have a kidney infection, need to take antibiotics, need to drink water, blah blah blah. I've heard it before. But she also said that she thought she saw pieces of my bladder lining. I am peeing out the lining of my bladder? That can't be good. She has sent out my urine for further testing and I have to go back on friday for more testing.

I don't even know what questions to ask... who urinates the lining of their bladder? I didn't even know my bladder had lining. I'm sure all organs do, but who thinks about that? Well, the lack of questions I had for her led me to Google. I hate Google sometimes. It puts thoughts in my head that I wouldn't of had otherwise. I googled "urinating bladder lining", first thing that catches my attention is Bladder Cancer, the 4th option. I clicked the 'x' button. I don't even want to know. But now I wonder if that's what the testing on friday is for. Is she going to test me for cancer? Is she waiting to see what the lab report says and that's why I won't get tested for this until friday?

I'm prone to infections since my immune system is pretty much non-existent. The antibiotic she has put me on, I've been on before and I know the outcome. The infection will disappear for about a week after I take the last pill and then it's going to come back and be stronger than ever. It's a vicious cycle that is never ending. One thing is for sure, I'm not looking forward to Friday.

Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired

I have had a chronic kidney infection since August. I've been to the doctor many times and have been put on different antibiotics, which work for a few weeks, but then the infection comes back and I have to be put on more antibiotics. In the last few weeks I have also had other infections set up for example, pink eye. There are other infections, but I don't want to get into those. I believe the infections are setting up because my antibodies are trying to kill the kidney infection which in turn allows other infections to set up since I have a weak immune system. It makes sense to me, but tomorrow I go to the doctor to find out if my theory is true or not.

I'm always terrified of going to the doctor and finding out exactly how bad my health is. I can pretend that I'm find and everything is o.k., until I see one of them. They like to bring me back to reality and tell me how bad my health really is. If my outside matched my inside, I would probably look like Freddie Krueger. But thankfully I look like a healthy 27 year old instead of a completely burned 50 year old man. But I would settle for looking like an average 40 year old if it meant that my inside matched my outside. 

But I especially hate being sick. I always wonder if this is the last time I'm going to get sick. I always wonder if this time my body is going to say, "I can't fight anymore. I give in." I've always felt that we start dying from the day we are born. I don't dwell on that thought as it is kind of depressing, but everyday when I wake up I thank God for what I have and I ask that today not be the day he takes me home. Before Nate and Abbie were born, I was o.k. with the thought of death. The only thing I asked was to not be in pain when I died. I wanted it be quick and vitually painless. And now the entire thought scares me. And not so much for me, but for my babies. I don't want them to grow up without having their mom. I don't know what I would without my mom sometimes. And especially through my teenage years that were so confusing and frustrating. I want to be there for them. I want to take care of them instead of them having to take care of me. I want to see them go to prom. Graduate high school and college. See them get married and meet my grandchildren. I want to get old, but at times I feel like I'm already old and feel like I have minutes left instead of years.

I'm An Awful Blogger

I started this blog so that I could keep up with the things that the babies did (and myself) on a day to day basis. I did good for a minute or two and then I was too sick to blog when I became pregnant with Baby Boo. I then blogged for an outlet. To talk about how I was feeling and release some of the emotions and anxiety caused by my procedure that I would feel in that moment. And as those emotions subsided and the anxiety became less intense, I found myself going a few weeks without blogging. And now I have found myself at almost a month without a new post. This makes me sad for a couple of reasons. 1. I'm sure the babies have said or done things that I didn't want to forget, but have because I didn't keep any record of it. 2. Because I'm afraid that I'm forgetting about my Baby Boo and what happened. It seems like it was just a bad dream with every passing day. I don't want it seem like a dream. I don't want to forget. I feel sometimes (and hope) that it's a lie I fabricated in order to get attention. Well, that's not true... 1. Because I hate receiving any kind of attention when it comes to my health. 2. I would be in padded room, because what sane person makes up something like that. 3. I have the one ultrasound picture taken of him.

I shouldn't be getting better. The scar should never heal. I should feel the unbelievable pain I had every morning as a reminder. It's like a knife cutting into my heart everytime I think about what I had to do in order to feel this well. I remembered the sounds and could recount everything that happened on August 11th up until a few of months ago. Now the sounds in the operating room and in the recovery room have faded. They are distant in my mind. I vaguely remember the song that was playing on the radio when I began to cry prior to my procedure. I hardly remember the conversation I had with the other girls while we waited and I used to be able to replay the conversation over and over in my head. The sounds in the operating room have faded in my memory. I feel like it should be sharp in memory as if it happened yesterday. I am undeserving of the time that has passed that is healing my wounds. Although I'm grateful.

After all of that, I am going to blog for the reason this blog was intended for. To keep up with my day to day activities in hopes that I don't forget anymore than I already have when it comes to Nate and Abbie. (Yes, I changed the spelling of Abbie's name. It was A-B-B-Y. It suits her dainty and girlie personality).