I wonder...

We all know about those websites that you can visit when your pregnant to find out info about your baby. They tell you what week you're in, how the baby is doing, how he/she is growing, what kind of mood your loved ones can expect you to be in, and how you are probably feeling as your belly expands. I try not to check those and I've done really well until my interest was perked realizing that it's been 3 months since my procedure and 3 months until my due date. I found out that right about now I would be in nesting mode. I found this interesting because I am in nesting mode. I've been cleaning my house like crazy. Going thru boxes, throwing tons of trash away, getting the babies clothes together to either donate or pass onto friends. I've been itching to clean out my garage. And when one of my favorite pregnancy websites said I was to be nesting it made me wonder if I was nesting. Is my mind still in preggo mode and I'm acting as if I'm still pregnant? Probably not. I've always been crazy about my house being, in the least, picked up. I like to be organized, I always have. And with the holidays around the corner, it would make sense that everything should be cleaned out. I mean, I need some place to put new toys and clothes. But there is a part of me that thinks that the procedure was a dream and that I'm still pregnant with Baby Boo. And then my fantasy is interrupted with reality after only a split second of imagining. It's ok though, my reality is one day I'll be in heaven with my baby and for now I'm enjoying my babies here on earth.

Fight For Preemies

I have seen 2 sides of the NICU. I have seen the bright side, where my baby although was born early, was born healthy enough to go home after a few light treatments for jaundice. I also saw the scary side, where my baby was born too early and struggled with things that we do unconsciously, such as breathing. Her organs weren't developed enough to handle milk that I had nursed, she received nutrients through an IV with a fluid called TPN. The NICU had to special order her diapers because the preemie sized were too big. I saw my baby fight for her life from the get go. We are so blessed to have our daughter home and healthy. Bright eyed with a smile that would melt a heart made of stone, many parents aren't as lucky. Many parents see 'prematurity' listed as one of the primary reasons of death on the death certificate of their child.

No parent, no mother, no family should have to endure the pain and heartache of having a premature baby. No child should have to fight for their life. We all deserve to have a healthy baby and a healthy start.

I recently found out that more than half of premature births, the doctors have no idea what happened. With Nate, I developed preaclampsia. With Abby, no clue... and I didnt go into labor, I didn't develop preaclampsia, my body simply couldn't handle being pregnant and the doctors don't know why and couldn't stop it.

Premature birth jeopardizes the lives and health of nearly half-million babies each year. It is the #1 killer of newborns and can lead to lifelong disabilities. Worse: the number has increased 31 percent since 1981. That's scary. With all the medical advances we have made since 1981, we can't seem to decrease the number of premature births in America.

That's why it's up to us... The parents... the people who have been affected by a child born too soon to fight. So that the ones who haven't been affected, aren't. Educate yourself if you are an expecting parent. Don't go into your pregnancy blindly, hanging on every word of your doctor. Knowledge is power and you are in control of your life and your babies life.

Thanksgiving

I am excited about the upcoming holidays. I love the food on Thanksgiving and we have been invited to a friend's house. This friend is 1 of my best friends out of the 2 best friends that I have. She has a huge family that have adopted me and my family as one of their own. They spend the day before Thanksgiving cooking. Literally, all day. They start at 10am and usually aren't done until 8 or 9pm. I have heard stories of this day, but this year I get to participate and help cook. I'm not sure how that is going to go over in a kitchen already filled with 4 women. I'll probably entertain the kids so that they can cook. And then Thursday you get to endulge in the product that was produced on Wednesday. And I have been over for Thanksgiving before and OMG the food is amazing.

The most fun for me, though, is the time together spent cooking. My family is a bit seperated. My Dad's Thanksgiving will be on Wednesday. We are to be there at 7pm. But that's when the food is ready. If you ask about being their earlier to help he'll say you can come, but that he doesn't need help. Which is true. Last year, when we arrived about an hour before the food was ready, my stepsisters were in the kitchen helping. And it became awkward when I went into the kitchen. So I left the room, I didn't want the awkward tension to reflect in the food.

My Mom's Thanksgiving consists of Thanksgiving breakfast at my house. She gets up early and fixes breakfast for my brother and my family. She cooks breakfast, because she goes to her boyfriend's house about 2pm to cook Thanksgiving for them and her boyfriend's son. We aren't ever invited, not that we would want to go because my brother and I aren't fans of him. But considering she has always put other people before her and her family, this isn't a shock. This was also the way Thanksgiving happened last year.

I'm not complaining by any means, at least I have a family. But it just amazes me how a friend's family is more of my family than my own family is. I feel out of place and awkward at my Dad's and nothing special at my Mom's and I'm excited about Amanda's. Shouldn't it be reversed?

Where Has The Time Gone?

It feels like forever since I've blogged. But I honestly don't have time anymore. I work Friday thru Tuesday from 10pm - 630am and I go to school Tuesday thru Friday from 8:30am - 4:30pm. When I get home, all I want to do is spend time with Nate and Abby and go to bed. I've even found myself going to bed before them. But I'm enjoying keeping myself busy. I've also made some great friends at school that have indirectly helped me cope. I don't put my personal life out there. I talk to everyone about personal experiences that pertain to the topic, but I don't start a conversation. I join into conversations that are already taking place. There have been a few that have experienced miscarriages and listening to them talk about their situation and how they have coped has helped me.

Nate and Abby are doing great. We went trick or treating on Halloween. We didn't go to any houses. Our church put on a trunk and treat in the parking lot. That's where members decorate the trunk of their car's and pass out candy to everyone who comes by. Same concept as trick or treating but a lot less walking. It was best for us seeing it was almost freezing Halloween. They dressed up as a Titan football player and cheerleader. They were too cute. I don't have pics downloaded yet, but I will.

Abby is now walking. It's too cute because she is still really wobbly. We are still working with a therapist on her motor skills. Nate is talking up a storm now and it's wonderful. They are growing up so fast. Abby is also showing a speech delay, she will be attending the Child Development Center starting February.

I'm excited with the holidays coming up. I've got almost all of the family taken care of as far as gifts, I just need to buy for Nate and Abby. I have a list of what I want to get them, this way I can buy for them a little at a time. We've bought their big gift from Santa, now it's just getting the odd and end pieces.

That's the gist of what's been happening around here. Not too much outside of school and work, just spending time with my family... watching the babies grow up.

My Love Will Fly to You Each Night on Angel's Wings

Here's an update on what's going on here lately. I started back to Beauty School after quitting 8 years ago. I'm not going for cosmetology however, I'm going for nail technology. That's right, I want to be a little asian girl sitting behind a manicure table asking, "wha cuhla?". Seriously, I enjoyed the nail aspect of cosmetology when I studied before, and Tim was supportive and told me that I should do it. So I'm doing it. I am the only nail tech student there and I get forgotten at times, but that's ok. I think I can learn everything I need to know on bing, google, and you tube. I like the girls that I go to school with, they are a lot of fun.. Full of drama of course, but fun. I go from 8:00am - 4:30pm Tuesday thru Friday. I'm off on wednesdays and thursdays so that makes tuesdays and fridays hard for sleep, but we are working thru it. If I go like I'm supposed to, I should be done in 6 months. I probably had enough on my plate without going back to school with a home, full time job, and 2 kids, but I wanted something else to keep my mind preoccupied. I don't want to forget, I love Baby Boo and he will always be in my heart, but I need to get past the anger. I look at women that are pregnant and I instantly want to leave their presence. I used to not be that way. I used to love to talk to preggie women about their morning sickness (which is still an understatment), their growing bellies, the hemeroids, the constant urination, the kicks and punches, everything... and now, I don't even want to say "congratulations". I want to get past that. I want to heal that part of myself and what better than going somewhere where the majority of people there are women. I walked in on my first day and there are 4 women pregnant and 2 that are trying.

It was bad at first. I didnt really talk to anyone, I didnt ask any questions, I just... sat there. Wednesday was better. I asked them how far along they were and they told me... and that was it as far as small talk. Thursday an improvement. I asked them how they were feeling and what kind of symptoms did they have. And today I actually talked. I talked about Nate and Abby and my pregnancy with them and we compared. I didnt talk about Baby Boo. I didn't mention anything about having a third child. And now, I have so much guilt that I feel like it's going to swallow me whole. I don't think it's anyone's business, but I want to be there and tell them how I'm feeling too. I want to be part of the preggo club. And I'm supposed to be. I'm supposed to be 20 weeks pregnant this coming tuesday. We would be finding out if it was a girl or a boy. Which I was so sure when I was pregnant that it was a boy, it would just confirm that I was right. And now? now? I keep it quiet as if it never happened. I suppose I could tell them about it, but I don't want anyone to judge me or feel sorry for me.

I saw a 4 day old baby today at the school. I'm not sure why his mama had him out, but she did and I saw him and I started missing my Baby Boo. Somedays I'm scared that I'm forgetting and somedays I can't forget for a second. I have a friend who reminded me of the song Godspeed by Dixie Chicks. It's a song that is close to her heart and now it's one that's close to mine.

Godspeed, little man

Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Sweet dreams

I miss you Baby Boo.

It's Been Awhile

When I sit down in front of my computer to blog, I have one thing on my mind. My guilt. Blogging has become a sort of therapy for me, as it has to so many others. But like others, my emotions linger after I've blogged. I might be crying, or mad, or I might even be happy. But of course, here lately, I'm probably crying.

I have been lied to by a very important person in my life in regards to my decision. They said a lot of hurtful things behind my back and since when I blog, they are usually around, I decided to not blog so that I'm not asked what is wrong and have to lie.

I'm doing better. Guilt still weighs heavy on my shoulders, I was at church last sunday and the preacher was preaching about heaven and made the statement that if you've lost a baby, miscarriage, abortion, or whatever had happened, that as long as you were saved, you were going to go to heaven and you would see your baby again. I instantly have tears fill my eyes everytime I see him saying it. I know he's right and I am saved, which is partly why I cry. The other part is b/c I still want my baby here with me. I still feel incomplete. Nate and Abby are the best accomplishments I have, why wouldn't I want more?

And to know that someone who is as close to me as this person is, feels like I made a stupid decision getting pregnant for a 3rd time, but doesn't say anything to me about it. In fact tells me that I did the right thing... it makes me feel like I shouldn't talk about my feelings or in this case, blog about them. I feel like I should keep this to myself, because if they feel this way and talk about me this way, then the whole world is against me and I need to protect myself.

What I Want

I haven't blogged much because I feel like I'll be saying things over and over again. At least I think about the same things over and over again. You know how they say the definition of insanity is to watch the same thing over and over again expecting a different result? I wonder if that remains true when you think about the same thing over and over again. I think and dream about the same thing, but the ending of my dream is always different. Different in my dreams, but it always ends the same in my life. I go back to August 11 a lot and just think about the day. I think about the 3 month before. I want to change so much. I want to take a pencil eraser to it and rewrite what was supposed to happen. I want to be at Rachael's baby shower on July 18th, rather than the hospital. I want to be at work all those nights that I missed. I want to have my arms around my babies neck rather than having IVs and a PICC line hooked up to them. I want to be out to eat with my precious family rather than in the bathroom regretting that I ate at all. I want so much for the days I was pregnant to be different, but I want to still be pregnant. I hate my body. My body has failed me in so many ways. Since I was 12, I've been sick. I've been sick for more than half of my life, but this takes the cake. My body has forced me to make a decision that no one should ever to make. It has forced me to feel more guilt than one person should ever have to feel. And I have to live with this same body for all my life. How?