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I went to the doctor today to find out more about the infection I have. She didn't give me much information. She told me the obvious. That I have a kidney infection, need to take antibiotics, need to drink water, blah blah blah. I've heard it before. But she also said that she thought she saw pieces of my bladder lining. I am peeing out the lining of my bladder? That can't be good. She has sent out my urine for further testing and I have to go back on friday for more testing.

I don't even know what questions to ask... who urinates the lining of their bladder? I didn't even know my bladder had lining. I'm sure all organs do, but who thinks about that? Well, the lack of questions I had for her led me to Google. I hate Google sometimes. It puts thoughts in my head that I wouldn't of had otherwise. I googled "urinating bladder lining", first thing that catches my attention is Bladder Cancer, the 4th option. I clicked the 'x' button. I don't even want to know. But now I wonder if that's what the testing on friday is for. Is she going to test me for cancer? Is she waiting to see what the lab report says and that's why I won't get tested for this until friday?

I'm prone to infections since my immune system is pretty much non-existent. The antibiotic she has put me on, I've been on before and I know the outcome. The infection will disappear for about a week after I take the last pill and then it's going to come back and be stronger than ever. It's a vicious cycle that is never ending. One thing is for sure, I'm not looking forward to Friday.

Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired

I have had a chronic kidney infection since August. I've been to the doctor many times and have been put on different antibiotics, which work for a few weeks, but then the infection comes back and I have to be put on more antibiotics. In the last few weeks I have also had other infections set up for example, pink eye. There are other infections, but I don't want to get into those. I believe the infections are setting up because my antibodies are trying to kill the kidney infection which in turn allows other infections to set up since I have a weak immune system. It makes sense to me, but tomorrow I go to the doctor to find out if my theory is true or not.

I'm always terrified of going to the doctor and finding out exactly how bad my health is. I can pretend that I'm find and everything is o.k., until I see one of them. They like to bring me back to reality and tell me how bad my health really is. If my outside matched my inside, I would probably look like Freddie Krueger. But thankfully I look like a healthy 27 year old instead of a completely burned 50 year old man. But I would settle for looking like an average 40 year old if it meant that my inside matched my outside. 

But I especially hate being sick. I always wonder if this is the last time I'm going to get sick. I always wonder if this time my body is going to say, "I can't fight anymore. I give in." I've always felt that we start dying from the day we are born. I don't dwell on that thought as it is kind of depressing, but everyday when I wake up I thank God for what I have and I ask that today not be the day he takes me home. Before Nate and Abbie were born, I was o.k. with the thought of death. The only thing I asked was to not be in pain when I died. I wanted it be quick and vitually painless. And now the entire thought scares me. And not so much for me, but for my babies. I don't want them to grow up without having their mom. I don't know what I would without my mom sometimes. And especially through my teenage years that were so confusing and frustrating. I want to be there for them. I want to take care of them instead of them having to take care of me. I want to see them go to prom. Graduate high school and college. See them get married and meet my grandchildren. I want to get old, but at times I feel like I'm already old and feel like I have minutes left instead of years.

I'm An Awful Blogger

I started this blog so that I could keep up with the things that the babies did (and myself) on a day to day basis. I did good for a minute or two and then I was too sick to blog when I became pregnant with Baby Boo. I then blogged for an outlet. To talk about how I was feeling and release some of the emotions and anxiety caused by my procedure that I would feel in that moment. And as those emotions subsided and the anxiety became less intense, I found myself going a few weeks without blogging. And now I have found myself at almost a month without a new post. This makes me sad for a couple of reasons. 1. I'm sure the babies have said or done things that I didn't want to forget, but have because I didn't keep any record of it. 2. Because I'm afraid that I'm forgetting about my Baby Boo and what happened. It seems like it was just a bad dream with every passing day. I don't want it seem like a dream. I don't want to forget. I feel sometimes (and hope) that it's a lie I fabricated in order to get attention. Well, that's not true... 1. Because I hate receiving any kind of attention when it comes to my health. 2. I would be in padded room, because what sane person makes up something like that. 3. I have the one ultrasound picture taken of him.

I shouldn't be getting better. The scar should never heal. I should feel the unbelievable pain I had every morning as a reminder. It's like a knife cutting into my heart everytime I think about what I had to do in order to feel this well. I remembered the sounds and could recount everything that happened on August 11th up until a few of months ago. Now the sounds in the operating room and in the recovery room have faded. They are distant in my mind. I vaguely remember the song that was playing on the radio when I began to cry prior to my procedure. I hardly remember the conversation I had with the other girls while we waited and I used to be able to replay the conversation over and over in my head. The sounds in the operating room have faded in my memory. I feel like it should be sharp in memory as if it happened yesterday. I am undeserving of the time that has passed that is healing my wounds. Although I'm grateful.

After all of that, I am going to blog for the reason this blog was intended for. To keep up with my day to day activities in hopes that I don't forget anymore than I already have when it comes to Nate and Abbie. (Yes, I changed the spelling of Abbie's name. It was A-B-B-Y. It suits her dainty and girlie personality).

Today

Today is my Baby Boo's due date. By now he should've been born and home and doted over. He should've been covered in kisses from his big brother and sister. He should be eating, breathing, sleeping, pooping, and he should be in my arms. He should've been a lot of things, but the one thing he will always be is my baby. He will always be missed. He will always be the part of me that's not complete. He will never be forgotten for as long as I live. Time has gone by so fast which makes it hard. I think to myself, 'if only I could've blinked.' That's how fast the last 6 months have passed, 'I would've made it'.

What I Did Today

Today I put your picture away. I put you in a safe place where you are protected. That's what mom's do and I realized by keeping you out I wasn't protecting the only thing I have of you. I miss you and as your day comes near my mind wonders further away. I watch Nate and Abby play in the floor together and I drift to a day that will never be where you are there playing with them. I was taking Nate to Sissy one day for a playdate and I took Abby along for the ride, in the middle of the drive they both were sitting in their seats, staring at each other, laughing hysterically. I like to think you were in the backseat making them laugh. I hope you know you are never far away from my thoughts when I'm in the floor playing with them. And I hope you hear me when I tell you I love you and Good Night. I hope you listen when I sing you your lullaby. I miss you so much Baby Boo.

Hello Again...

I love to knit. I know that's very random to say, but I do. The one thing I love about knitting is that I can put a project down and pick up where I left off 6 months later. It just waits for me, it sits in my basket day after day watching me live my life. Poor knitting projects. The only problem is, is that I don't know where I left off. I look at it and I have a general idea of where I left off since I've probably knitted the pattern before, but I'm not real sure. I got the Ipod Touch for Christmas and there are a few apps I've downloaded that say they help with these type of things, but apparently the apps don't accommodate one type of pattern I have and unfortunately that's the project I stopped in the middle of 6 months ago. But I will pick it back up and eventually finish it.

Children

As an adult there is a lot I don't understand. As a mother there is a ton I don't understand. I do all I can to protect my children from harm and I spend as much time with them as I possibly can. This does mean that some chores don't get done, but they are only little for a short time. I love spending time with them. Hugging them, kissing them, tickling their toes, blowing raspberries on their bellies. It's a ton of fun. It hurts my heart when I read about another child going to heaven because of abuse and neglect, especially when caused by the people who are supposed to love them. I hurt so much for their bright and shining spirits. They come into this world not knowing anything and the first thing they learn is pain and hurt. Abby and Nate run to me and daddy when they hurt. They are looking for comfort and kisses. I can't imagine being the one to inflict pain and I can't imagine letting someone else hurt them. I can't imagine a child looking for comfort and kisses and getting thrown or hit because of it. I recently watched a video about a little boy named Peter Connolly, actually I watched about a minute to minute and a half and then I couldn't watch anymore. What I did watch (read rather) I was sick over. The torture that little boy went through... there are no words to describe how terrible awful it is. I only hope he passed away at the beginning so that he didn't feel any of it. Why does God do this? The longer I live the less I understand.

I will cherish every hug, every kiss, every song sang, every 'I love you' said, every scream, every cry, every 'mama', every laugh, every smile, every cuddle, every everything. I will only have open arms when Nate and Abby want to crawl in bed with us. I will having nothing but time when they want to sit down in the floor and play. Nothing but laughs when they step on my feet and it hurts. They will have my full attention whenever they want it.