2010 Rutherford County Family Ambassador for March of Dimes

That's right.... We have been given the honor to be the Rutherford County Family Ambassador for March of Dimes. How awesome is that? I feel humbled to be given the privledge. I never once thought that any good would come out of having premature babies, but it has. We are now going to be able to share our story and raise awareness for the March of Dimes. I don't wish for anyone, especially mother's and moms to be, to go through what my family has. The NICU roller coaster is not a ride anyone should take. The guessing game shouldn't be played. And I want to prevent that. I want to raise awareness (and money) to prevent premature births. To prevent childhood diseases. To prevent SIDS. No one should have to bury their child or wonder if they are. No mother should have their rights to motherhood taken away.

I wasn't able to hold Nate or Abby within those critical 3 minutes. The minutes where a mother and child first bond. I remember being in my room (usually waiting on a wheel-chair to take me to the NICU) and hearing a baby crying and immediately wheeled to their mother's room. Those moments would make me bitter. My baby couldn't be carted to me. I wasn't able to pick my baby up and comfort them when they cried, I would have to call a nurse to take care of them. I remember being told that I couldn't touch them because it would hurt them. I remember that I could only hold Abby for 20 minutes a day until she was 5 weeks old. I remember the car seat test before leaving the hospital. I remember the endless tubes and endless sound of monitors ringing. I remember the apnea spells. I remember the guilt of having to leave my babies in the hospital while I went home. I remember the nurse telling me that Abby was the smallest baby in the NICU and looking around seeing that most of the babies around her were 2 times her size. She was 2lbs.. most of the babies were 3 or more pounds.

No mother should have to experience that. No mother should expect a phone call saying that their baby had passed. I did. I went to bed every night wondering if tonight was the night where I would hear a doctor telling me that they did everything they could but that my baby didn't make it.

I don't want anyone else to experience that or experience anything worse. Please, if you come across my blog.. visit http://www.marchofdimes.com/ - become more educated. Even if you had a less of an eventful pregnancy and/or your baby was born full term, we need your help to have more women have those experiences. To have more babies brought to their mother's bedside. When Abby was born, the hospital was under construction for a bigger NICU unit. I want hospitals to be under construction for a bigger nursery. The NICU unit should be smaller than the nursery, not bigger.

We ALL, parents of healthy and unhealthy babies, mothers who have experienced eventful/uneventful pregnancies, premature/full-term births, need to fight against ANYthing that could harm ANY baby.

Memorial Day will not be Forgotten

I got a text message from my sister in law yesterday, let's call her JM. She text saying to pray for a family that became foster parents of 3 little boys a couple of years ago. Their 10 yr old got caught up in some twine in their barn and accidentally hung himself. I'm not sure of the specifics, but that is what she put in the text message.

This family are some of the sweetest most kind people I know. Ms. S visited me often when I was pregnant with Nate, sharing stories with me and comforting me (let me give you the short story of my pregnancy... I vomitted more than I care to remember which led to dehydration and long hospital stays, we almost died twice). She would always pray with me and would pray for me. She is truly a genuine person. And I remember how happy she was to have her boys. They needed a lot of love and she has more than she knows what to do with, it was a perfect match. They are starting the procedure to adopt these little fellows who I believe are 12, 10, and 6 (don't quote me on the ages). And for this tragic accident to happen is unreal.

I talked to my sister in law on the phone shortly after the text message, but she didn't have any specifics on what had happened. We live in TN and farm accidents, although fairly uncommon, do happen. A 3 yr old was killed not too long ago because he had opened the door to the moving vehicle he was in going from farm to farm so he wasn't in a carseat. People do that around here especially when they are going a mile down the road to a farm. I know it sounds irresponsible, but until the accident no one thought twice about it.

Please pray for this family and their loss, NO ONE should have to bury their child.

A Monkey Could Do Their Job Better...

Ms. Screen came today to give me the evaluations of Nate and Abby and I don't agree with them. Here's why:

1. They say Abby has a 25% delay in Adaptive. Adaptive is Self-Help. It seems they associate self-help with eating, holding a fork or spoon, or holding a sippy cup. O.K., she has just started holding her bottle and she can't use a fork or spoon nor does she eat solids... I'll say she may have a problem with that, but not for the reasons they gave me. She doesn't eat solids because I don't feed them to her. I don't feed them to her because she throws them up. How do I know? Because I try to give her pieces of a banana and cheerios once a week. I experiment to see what happens.. and she throws it up. So there's that.

2. They say she has a 25% delay in Communication. She cries. That's her communication. How else is she supposed to communicate? Ms. Screen couldn't answer that question. Is she supposed to say she is hungry? Or that she needs her diaper changed? All other 11 month old children that I know, cry. And she also cries when she needs something. I fail to see her communication barrier.

3. They say that she is fine in motor skills. Really? My 6 month old step-niece can crawl, Abby can't. My step-niece can also pick things up and move them. Abby pinches things and holds them. She doesn't move them. She doesn't drop them. And she isn't delayed in this area? I disagree.

4. They say Nate has 40% delay in Adaptive. They said he needs to learn to hold a cup, use a spoon or fork to feed himself, and ask for food/liquid with words/gestures. HE CAN HOLD A CUP! He holds his sippy. He held his sippy when she was here. He doesn't use a regular adult cup because I don't let him. I don't wanna clean a mess so he doesn't use an adult cup, but he could hold it... if I let him. He can use a spoon or fork, but like his mama, he rather use his fingers. I use my fingers when eating almost everything. So monkey see and monkey do. But when eating cereal he uses a spoon and feeds himself. And doesn't ASKING for food/liquid with words/gestures fall under COMMUNICATION?! You'd think, right?

5. He has a 25% delay in Communication. I agree with this. But it should be more if you ask me. That's his area of opprotunity. They said it wasn't higher because I have Nate and Abby on a schedule.. Well, duh... It helps to have them on a schedule so that I have some kind of idea of why they are crying rather than running around like a chicken with my head cut off. And crying is a way for an 11 month old to communicate not a 2 yr old.

Do I want something to be wrong with my child? Of course not, but there is and I have identified that there is a problem and I want to correct it. But I disagree with what the TEIS has to say.

The CDC (Child Development Center) called and said they have an opening for Nate. YAY! That I'm excited about. He'll be with other kids facing development issues as well as what they call "Role Model Kids", kids who are where they should be development wise. He'll learn from both and one of teachers is a speech therapist :D I think that is exactly what he needs. My only problem is that I have to let my baby go and be in the care of others. That makes me sad. I've been home with Nate and Abby for 9 months. I know it's only a couple of hours a week (week not day) but I don't want to miss a minute of their life. That's the only struggle I have right now is getting used to the idea that someone else will be taking care of him.

Anniversary

Today was Tim and mine's anniversary. We have been married for 3 years. Time has flown by. Since we met we have had 2 babies, 2 dogs, 2 apartments, and 2 houses. LOL, our number seems to be 2. He is the most amazing person and I'm a better for having him in my life. He is seriously my best friend. Our relationship is extremely open. We tell each other everything without worrying if the other is going to get mad. Some people think our relationship is strange and have even said that we are "too" open with each other, but is there such a thing? I think our marriage is the poster child of what a marriage should be. We aren't perfect, we have our arguments and disagreements, but we agree to disagree and respect each other for the opinions and thoughts that we do have. That what gives us our individuality and makes him "Tim" and me "Traci". Otherwise, we might as well have one name that we share.

We went through 2 difficult pregnancies with each other and he was the best support ever. I feel like we shared the pain. I handled the physical pain of them and he dealt with the emotional pain. He always asked what I needed or if he could do anything for me. He would hold my hair back when I threw up. He gave me baths. He washed my hair. He took me to the hospital when he didnt know what to do. And he stayed by my side while I was there. When he couldn't be there he would send me text messages making sure I was o.k. He would be back at the hospital as soon as he could be. And it didn't matter how many times I told him to leave, he wouldn't do it. When I was pregnant with Abby he couldn't stay with me as often or as long, but that was understandable. We had a 1 yr old who needed one of his parents with him. But I still got phone calls and I still got text messages. But the hospital had recently gotten wireless internet so the computer became my best friend since they only had 13 channels on tv and a vcr rather than dvd player. Oh, the memories.

One of the memories I have is when the dr.'s came to us and told us that they didn't think it was in my best interest to continue with the pregnancy. They weren't confident that me and the baby (Nate) would make it til the end and asked what we would like to do. I was a little coo coo seeing that I was all hopped up on morphine and pain meds and wasn't in the best state of mind to make a life or death decision. Tim without any hesitation told them to do all they could to save me. I, of course, even with seeing ducks on my wall, was not having it. I wanted my baby. It was all or nothing. Tim, bless his heart, tried to argue with me. He wanted to know what good would it be to have the baby if he couldn't have his mother. That he needed both his parents. I looked at him as serious as I could be with my blood diluted with morphine and said, "go big or go home!". It was all or nothing with me. And both Nate and I were fine. Tim was given that ultimatem again with Abby and his answer was the same.. so was mine.. but she had a harder battle to fight than Nate did, but we fought it as a family.

He has always been the one to compromise what he has wanted. If I wanted chocolate cake and he wanted vanilla, he wouldn't say anything. He would go with the chocolate because that's what I wanted. He is the love of my life. And we have traveled a long journey in a short time.. and I can't wait to unfold and see what the road up head as in store for us.

A Short Blog...

Wow... I reviewed my blog today.. I've noticed that my blogs become longer and longer each passing day... But I talk to a 2yr and 10 month old everyday, this is my adult communication that we all long for after talking to children all day long. But this one is going to be short and sweet... I had a great day today, was lazy, but it was great. Tim got my patio swing put up and the kids and I stayed out by the pool until it got too cold for Abby. It was just a nice day. I'm hoping to take the kiddos to the strawberry farm tomorrow. I think they will enjoy it. Especially Nate.

Gist.. Diagnosed with Diabetes...

This is something that I rarely talk about anymore, just because I'm used to it. It's not anything that phases me anymore or that seperates me from anyone else. It did before, especially when I was younger. But now it's second nature and I'm almost taken aback when someone asks me about my insulin pump, I almost want to say 'what pump?'.

I was diagnosed with Type I Diabetes (Juvenile Diabetes) when I was 12 years old. I had symptoms of diabetes for about 6 months before being diagnosed. The Dr. said I was going thru puberty when my Mom took me for 'mood swings' (effects of hi/low blood glucose). I went to the Dr. because I couldn't catch my breath (hi blood sugar), he said I was lazy. I was overweight when I was younger, but this was different. I knew something was wrong, but I went home and slept it off. I went into the Dr. again because I couldn't eat anything, I wasn't hungry (loss of appetite), because I was going to Washington, DC in a few weeks, he told my parents I was probably just trying to lose a little weight. Ummm, sure. I didn't tell my parents about getting up every 30 minutes in the middle of the night to pee or about sneaking a water bottle into my classes because I was so thirsty, I knew they would take me to the same stupid Dr. who seemed to chalk everything up to me being overweight. Thanks Doc. So, it was 3 days before Spring Break, 3 days before my trip to Washington, DC with my class (and I was so excited about going) and I went to sleep and didn't wake up until 2 days later in PICU. I had gone into a diabetic coma. I was in and out actually... I remember my parents putting me in the car and saying we were going to Vanderbilt. I remember getting into a wheelchair. I remember laying down in the exam room. And I remember a man's voice (Dr.)

I finally fell asleep and slept for days. I woke up hungry asking for a Gravy and Biscuit from Hardee's. I'll never forget that, my parent's faces lit up like I had never seen before (and I haven't since). Later I found out it was because I hadn't ate anything for weeks. I remember one night (a few weeks before) my Mom brought a Subway up to my room and begged me to eat it. I couldn't. I wasn't hungry.

So I stayed at Vanderbilt for a week to learn how to check my blood glucose, give myself insulin injections, and grow up. I was 12 learning how to count carbs. And give myself insulin with a NEEDLE. And that's weird. that's self mutilation. WHO DOES THAT?! I was glad I had great math skills. I need it for the ratios. ex: for every 15 carbs take 2 units of insulin. So how many units do you take if you eat 22 carbs? anyone? anyone?... 2.9 or 3 units. But it's more complicated than that. Here is a common problem I face even today... Everyone ready for their daily math lesson? Good.

Take 1 unit of insulin if your sugar is between 150 - 200. 2 units is 201-250. 3 units if 251-300, etc... Take 2 units of Insulin per every 15 carbs.

How much Insulin would you take if your sugar was 283 and you were eating 65 carbs?

Answer: 11.6 or 12 units (I always round up, it was easier to measure on the syringe)

Yeah, I faced that anytime I ate or checked my sugar, whatever the case might have been. If it was high, I gave insulin. If I ate, I gave insulin. It was a hassle for a 12 year old.

I did miss my trip to Washington, DC and spent my Spring Break in the hospital. What a double whammy! I went back to school just to be asked a million gazillion questions, not by my peers, but by my teachers. They were more interested in my life altering experience than my friends. And I then got negative feedback from my peers about being a 'teacher's pet'. Or that I faked it all just to get attention. My favorite was a boy in my class coming up to me saying his Grandma called it the fat ass disease that only fat asses got diabetes. Kids are cruel.

Yes, I was overweight but Juvenile Diabetes isn't caused by being overweight. Typically it is passed thru genetics or the body rejects the insulin hormone, but basically your body stops producing insulin for one reason or another and therefore has to be physically injected. My body supplies some insulin, not a lot but some (I found out later in my journey) but my body rejects it, my antibodies attack whatever insulin my pancreas makes naturally. Don't ask why it doesn't attack the insulin I inject.. Have no clue, but sometimes I think it does.

I was on this method of injections for 13 years until I received my Insulin Pump last year. It is my saving grace. I love the thing. It allows me to have a more normal life and I also don't have to think as much. I tell my pump what my sugar is and how many carbs I'm going to eat and it does the math for me and then gives me the insulin. It's awesome.

It just seems that people, especially kids, are scared of what they don't know (hence the teasing). I got teased a lot because I'm sure it did seem I was just trying to get attention and sympathy from authority figures, but I wasn't. I wish Kids, especially those who have classmates with diabetes, could be more educated. This is serious chronic disease that can become a life or death situation. I would be too scared of being teased to tell any of my teachers that I thought my sugar was low or hi, and I would get home and be close to passing out before anything was done. My kids will be educated because their mother suffers from this disease, but others won't. It's up to us as parents to make sure our children know the seriousness of it as well as the seriousness of teasing. Teasing needs to be made aware of regardless... No one should tease because a person is different in any kind of way. Whether it be because of their skin color, hair color, height, weight, whatever... I understand it's something kids do, but it shouldn't be accepted. We shouldn't use that excuse. I will do my best to make sure my kids are disciplined if they ever tease and I am made aware of it. It will not be tolerated. I grew up with the rule, 'treat people the way you want to be treated' and if I didn't, then I got my bucket (ass) tested.

I'm a better person for that. And we are all better people for the trials and tribulations we have faced in our lives.

Back to Blogging...

I think I'm making a pattern of when I blog... I've noticed that I don't blog on my days off. I'm usually too tired at the end of the day and seeing as though I rarely sleep when people should (at night) I take advantage of sleep on my days off. And I like to blog at the end of my day, but I've fallen asleep before the kids have these last 2 nights. Sooo, lets play catch up...

Wednesday... Tim came home early, which made me happy. I totally missed 'The Doctors' episode that featured Kayleigh and her family... I was a little more than upset. I may order the DVD of the episode. My sugar decided it was going to go crazy.. it was 422 (normal range is 80-120). I love my insulin pump.. It gave me the correction dose. I checked it again probably about an hr later.. it wouldn't even register on my meter, all it said was HI. I knew that meant it was over 600 and I felt like poo. I took another correction and went to bed. I woke up about midnight, still feeling like I'd been hit with a 2x4 (whatever that is), checked my sugar again and it was still over 600. WTF!!! I changed out my reservoir and infusion set (the stuff that makes the insulin get from Point A, the pump, to Point B, my body). Gave myself another correction and went back to bed.

Thursday... I woke up, checked my sugar, 84. It was about time! And then my day was crammed full of plans. I wanted to take the kids to a Strawberry farm. I was to spend 4 hrs. getting beautified. Plus clean the house so we could have people come over. I knew after the night before that I wasn't going to get a quarter of what I wanted done, done. So I settled... I half assed cleaned my house and people came over. We will go to the Strawberry farm next week. Tuesday looks good. 72 high and no rain in the forecast (yet). As for the 4 hrs of beauty? Yeah, that's a luxury that will be put off until... Kids are graduated from college.

Today... Tim let me sleep in late since I had to work tonight. I love him. So I played with kids for awhile after I woke up. Abby started fussing so we put her down for a nap at about 11:30. That's usually lunch time, but she was asleep and the schedule isn't set in stone, so I let her. Nate ate about 12, like always, and then we played. Abby woke up at 12:30, hungry! I mean she wanted her food ready yesterday. She was not a happy child. She ate and then they both took a nap at 2:30. Nice, one is always awake when the other was asleep. I really had time to myself! Heaven! or so I thought... Abby woke up an hour later, screaming and hollering. Nothing made her happy. I held her, I put her in the floor, I put her in her bounce bounce baby, jenny jump up, I gave her toys, I took toys away. I sat her up, I laid her down, I gave her a bottle, I took the bottle, I gave it to her again, I took it away again. This child was bound and determined to be unhappy. So fine, be mad. Nate woke up during this time of playing "piss off Abby" and tried his hardest to please her too. He finally went to his room and played quietly. He's such a good boy. I finally left her in the floor, where nothing could hurt her and she couldn't hurt herself, and gave Nate a bath. He loves taking bathes, especially with bubbles. So he had a bubble bath and I gave him some chocolate for being so good. After he was done with the bath, I fixed his supper and he ate and we acted like Abby wasn't there, although she was screaming at the top of her lungs... literally screaming.. There were no tears. There was no gasping breaths. She was fine.

After Nate was done, I sat on the couch with him and he started to tickle me (warning sign that he wants to play). So I chased him around the house for a while and finally crashed in the floor (near Abby) and I noticed, as I ran around, she had stopped screaming. So we went to the floor where she decided she was going to climb on me and try to join in on the fun. Of course we let her and she started laughing and playing. I guess she figured if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

Tomorrow we have a playdate with Emily, Braxton, Brennan, and Brooklyn at Discovery Center. I'm super excited. I love hanging out with them. They are the bestest. And I don't have any other friends with kids that are preemie, and it's nice to share our experiences especially with our girls so close in age.

WARNING: Women's functunalities are discussed below...

I am 5 days late as of May 12, which had me worried. I've only been late twice due to Nate and Abby, I'm like clock work. This had me nervous, I can't have another baby. Not right now. Abby is going to be 11 months old on the 21st. Surely to goodness I'm not. As I realized this I woke Tim up (it was like 7am). I told him what was going on and that I wasn't going to be happy until I took a test. And I'm the kind of person who want things done 5 minutes before, so he needed to get up to watch the kids so I could go to the store. Thank goodness we don't live 20 minutes away from the nearest store anymore (which we did when I went to pick up a test to find out if I was pregnant before, which I was.. with Abby). The store is 3 minutes away, which still took too long to get to. I went in, got what I was looking for, paid, and went straight to the icky bathroom at the store (I couldn't wait any longer). I had already waited 20 minutes after realization of how late I was and that was too long.

I peed on the stick and stared at that stupid test for hours. O.k., maybe minutes but gees! I thought we were leading in technology?! Can't they speed up the response time on a pregnancy test?! 2 minutes is too long to wait! It should be 2 seconds! Gaaahhh! And then it said... NOT PREGNANT! YES!!! Thank you... I think... wait... it said, NOT PREGNANT. Oh... ok... but... I'm 5 days late... shouldn't I be prego? I stared at the test and in my head I yelled "YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO CONFIRM MY SUSPICIONS AND SAY 'PREGNANT'! I was a little taken aback by my reactions. First I felt relief and half a split second later I was sad. I mean... It's been advised not to have anymore babies due to the history of prematurity, but what do dr.'s know. And Abby can't even crawl yet so who knows when she'll walk, do I wanna be pregnant while she tries to reach that milestone? She's just now started to do things on her own, do I want another child while trying to catch her up?

I was dreading the call to the dr.'s office, explaining to Dr. Endo that I was going to be sterile but only for 9 months, tops. And calling Dr. Gyno and saying, "oops, I did it again." I could imagine their reactions.. But after finding out that I wasn't, I started wondering why I cared what they would think. There are plenty of dr.s that I'm sure would be happy to have my money. But I wasn't so it didn't matter.

I came home and told Tim. He asked if I was o.k., "yeah, just disappointed." Tim, being my voice of reason, said in a very sincere, calm, and gentle way, "baby, we can't. I can't almost lose you again. And where would we put a baby?" I know he's right. I want to see the 2 babies I have grow up and go to Prom, graduate, get married. I want to meet my grandchildren. And we live in a 3 bedroom house. But me, being me, said, "well, we would be more prepared. The dr.'s would be more prepared. We would know what to expect. And we already have a boy and a girl, and seeing there isn't another gender we could possibly get, one of them would be sharing a room. Hello! bunkbeds!" He chuckled and we talked a little longer and his voice of reason talked to mine, and we need to hurry up and one of us get fixed.

My Heart Hurts...

I have been keeping up with a blog for sometime now, even before I decided to start my own. About a family with a little girl named Kayleigh. Kayleigh is a fighter and experienced more in her short life than anyone should. I, as I'm sure her family did, took it one day at a time. Kayleigh passed May 11, 2009. Although I only knew this family through their blog, I felt as if they were my neighbors and my heart breaks for them. They allowed me and so many others to read their story and kept us posted on how Kayleigh was doing. This family has such a faith and strength... I would be so lucky to have half of it. They touched my heart and my life in ways they will never know. I feel that I am a better person for having known their story and I look forward to reading more, if they decide to continue. She is truly a One Pound Miracle and I am better for having known her through her Mom and Dad's words.
Please say a prayer for this family as they try to find comfort, strength, and understanding through this tragic loss.

Happy Mother's Day

We had a good day today. Nate, Abby, and I went to church this morning and gave my step-mom and step-sister their mother's day card. My step-sister's baby daddy is a loser and I wanted her to feel special since it's her day too. I'm not sure if it did any good or not, but it's the thought that counts. Someone sang a song at church that probably made every mother cry. I wish I knew the name of it, it was beautiful. It was about a mother's love for their child. Abby was being passed around before the song started and she started getting antsy when it came on so I took and I started rocking her and within seconds (literally) she was asleep. I thought that was amazing. We have such a strong connection and that proved it. I wanted to hold her and she wanted her mama. No one else. We went out to eat after church (nothing special there).

I was going to take the kiddos to a strawberry field at Valley Home Farms, but we went home and I fell asleep. I slept for 8 hours which I very rarely get and I thoroughly enjoyed it, although I missed on taking them out. I may take them on Wednesday or Thursday. I think they would like it. Abby has a cute strawberry outfit that she'll wear. I get excited when it comes to taking them on field trips, but I've never been to a strawberry field before either. They allow you to pick your own strawberries or you can buy a batch they have already picked. During the fall they have a corn maze for the kids and hay rides. We are going to do that this year too.

I love our field trips. It's so much fun. I think we may even go to the Discovery Center on Saturday too. Tons of Fun this week.

Night Night

I just laid Nate down to go to sleep, since it was of course bedtime and he was falling asleep while I rocked him. But here the last couple of nights he has been screaming bloody murder when Tim or I have put him to bed. I'm not sure what's going on with him. This is part of our routine, he knows this, so I don't understand what the struggle is all about. It breaks my heart to hear him crying, but according to Super Nanny I only need to lead him back into bed when he gets up, otherwise no talking and no going in there unless for emergency purposes or he gets out of bed (as I said before). So I stick with that. He doesn't get out of bed, he lays in his bed and screams. I hope this is a phase.

Now.. Abby on the otherhand, is complete opposite... most of the time. She loves when someone sings to her. So I started singing 'Jesus' loves me' to her and she was drifting off. So I laid her down and turned on her rainforest mobile thing and she was out in 2 seconds.

At least they both didn't give me a hard time. Then I would of definitely had some of my hair stuck between my fingers. They are good about that tho. They are rarely grouchy or cranky at the same time. It's one or the other. Which is definitely appreciated.

Good Times

So, Nate and Abby were assessed on Tuesday. She was a lot more hands on than Ms. Screen. Ms. Screen talked to me rather than watching and playing with the kiddos. This lady, Ms. Chill, was really laid back and took her time with them. She played with Nate and I was impressed by how well she handled Nate's tantrums when she put her awesome toys away. I have to admit, I wanted to play with the toys she brought. And she was rolling around with Abby in the floor. She asked me a few questions, but not as many as Ms. Screen. However, when I asked her when I should expect to find out the results of the assessment, her answer was... "you should receive a call within the next couple of weeks." Thank you Captain Vague.. Can you be a little more specific? She said that she had to type up the report and then send it to Ms. Screen and then they would develop a plan of action and call me. But due to time restraints and other clients it could take a couple of weeks. I swear, Nate will be 3 before they come up with a plan of action. But we will just wait and see.

On a personal note, I went out with some girls on Wednesday night and had a blast. I did drink and I did get drunk (something I haven't done since well before I got pregnant with Nate). It was so much fun tho. I forgot how more outspoken I am with a few in me. One of my girls was there with her boyfriend and he started talking to 2 other girls, which made me not so happy. I looked at B and told her that she had nothing to worry about. They looked like dudes.. Yes, in front of them I said this. They looked at me, but didnt say anything. The b.f. and the 2 girls went outside and one of them told B to hold her purse. Well, I went thru it and I knocked it over the ledge where some guy picked it up and returned it which is where I wish I had asked him to put it back.

Yeah, good times... good times...

PAR-TAY

My brother (Bubba) called today and told me he was graduating from school today. Is it horrible that I don't remember the name of it? Anywho, he has been involved in the criminal justice program for the last 2 years. He's never really committed to something and saw it thru til the end, especially when it comes to school, so I am oh so very proud of him. He graduates June 20th... Abby's birthday is June 21st... Predicament? Nope, we decided to have her party on June 27th instead. We will have a cookout for Bubba on June 20th. I love to plan parties, although I'm bad at it. I love to pick out the cake and the food and look at decorations...
my problem is is that I don't like to spend my money or actually decorate or clean up, pick the cake up, and find space in the fridge for the food.

For Bubba, we'll have the typical food for a cookout, hamburgers and hotdogs, chips, etc... I'm also gonna order him a special graduation cake. He'll like that. And we will all go swimming after the commencement. It'll be a good time.

For Abby's Birthday, we are also going to cookout with a Hawaiian Luau theme. This is such a big deal to me. She was born 10 weeks early and weighed 2lbs 10.25 oz... And I love her so much. I would never tell Tim this, but when she was born, I secretly thought she wouldn't make it. She was so small and fraile, I just didn't see her leaving the NICU. I kept distant from her, I didn't let myself get too attached (of course there was some attachment, she was my daughter), but I prepared myself for the worst each day. I remember once getting a call from a phone # that wasn't listed in my phonebook. I thought it was the hospital telling me she had passed. I remember staring at my phone at 3:30am, debating on whether to answer or not. I did and it was the wrong phone #. I cried of course, but it was more surprising to me that it wasn't the hospital. It took awhile for Abby and I to bond, and I think we may have bonded more in the past month than we have in the past 10 months.

I find myself somedays 'playing' dress up with her. She naps before Nate does, so she's awake when Nate goes to sleep. I'll take her into the bedroom, find some outfits she hasn't worn or that are maybe too big, put her in them, and hold her up to the mirror so that she can admire her beauty. She just smiles and oooos and ahhhhs. She loves it. And then we'll do it again.

We have fun. And then when we are all awake, we play in the floor and watch kid shows. It's fun. Nate likes to help with Sister and Abby absolutely adores her big brother. They are seriously the best in the whole wide world.

So I want her party to be big. It's something, that a year ago, you couldn't convince me was going to happen. I couldn't get past the isolette. The oxygen tank. The cannula. The feeding tube. The IVs. And now, we I look at her there isn't an end to what she can do. I see her Graduation day. Her Prom. Her Wedding. But most importantly, Her First Birthday.

Happy Go Lucky

I was so proud of Nate today. We went to a birthday party for one of my friend's 3 yr old. And it was towards the end after cake and ice cream. I was packing Abby up and getting us ready to go and I looked over at Nate and I saw that he was playing with a basketball. He's so cute playing with a ball. He's cute doing everything. He was bouncing the ball on the floor and anytime it got away from him he would look at it and go "uh oh" and then go chase it. I continued to watch him while I was telling people that we were leaving and I saw a little boy push Nate down and grab the ball. Nate looked in the little boy's direction and he bent his elbows, put his hands up to his shoulders, palms out and said "i'duhno". He then came up to me and said, "oogle boogle todlug moffle fullaffle bluffgruff may", (seriously... that's how he talks). I knew he was telling what had happened. And I just said that I saw what happened and that sometimes other people aren't nice, but that it's ok because he was a more kind person. I told to find something else to play with. He left me and found another ball, that no one else was playing with, and started bouncing it.

It just made me realize that he already has a good of habit of sharing. He doesn't get upset when something is taken away. He's a good little boy.

It was validation that I have taught him well. We've taught him along the way to share with his sister, which is where I think he's learned most of it. He'll be playing with her toys and I'll ask if sister can play with one, and he'll bring the one he is playing with to her. Like he's saying, "I like this one so she will too." He's a very sweet kid. He's always helpful, like when Abby gets fussy because she's hungry... he'll put a paci in her mouth buying us a few seconds without screaming. He's gentle with her, not pushy.

He is just an awesome kid... not saying he's perfect. He does have somethings he refuses to give up and there are times when he throws fits. But for the most part... He's a good kid.

My Little Girl

I bought Abby her first dress when we found out that Abby was definitely a girl. It was so cute, I called it her jellybean dress. I initially wanted to bring her home in it, but.. she was preemie and too small for it when she come home. Well, she is having some growing issues and I brought out the dress today... just to see if it would fit.. and IT DID! I was delighted. I never thought I would see her in it and it fits her perfectly. I decided it is going to be her birthday dress. My mom brought to my attention that it will be the FIRST dress I bought for her that she wears on her FIRST birthday. That excites me.

Where's the Apple that's supposed to keep the Doctor away?

So I went to doctor the other day and brought him my journal of blood sugars. They looked really good and I have been pleased with them. He really didn't have any complaints, except that my blood pressure is high and he wants to put me on lisinopril, but won't until I'm "sterile". (Yes, those are his words). Well, of course I have a problem becoming sterile because I've always wanted a big family. And I hate when my options are taken away. But I am very blessed with the 2 miracles that I have and I know deep down that we aren't going to have anymore, but I don't want my options to be taken away.

Anyway, we did our talky talky and had a chit chat and then he sent my downstairs for blood work. My A1c is the important test. It's an average of your blood glucose over the last 3 months. Your A1c should be less than 7% meaning your sugar is averaging 100-150 (normal ranges). 8%, your sugar is averaging 200-250. 9% is 300-350. and 10% is 400-450. (I think it maybe less than that, but you get the gist). So mine was 10.5% and he wants me to make a 350$ investment into something called glucose sensors.

It basically works with my insulin pump. Its a catheter that stays inserted in my stomach and draws a small amount of blood every 5 minutes. When glucose reaches below or above a certain level, the alarm sounds. Which is really annoying in the middle of the night. Plus you have to calaborate the thing like 6 times a day. Which in my opinion defeats the purpose of the stupid sensor. I had the sensor when I was pregnant with Abby and it was wrong most of the time, I would look at it and it would say my sugar was 145 and I would check my meter and my sugar was actually 210 or 55, it would bounce around. I hate the thing, and the fact that my dr. wants me to invest 350 dollars into it... That's ludacrous.

And he wants to see me at the end of the month with the data. O.k. see you then, but no print out. I get annoyed with him sometimes. He is the best Endocronologist I've ever seen, but that's not saying a lot... The others were just horrible where he is terrible. No, seriously... he keeps me in check. I get very defensive when it comes to someone who isn't diabetic telling me I'm taking terrible care of myself. Like they know how hard it is. And he doesn't let me boss him around. I'm very thankful for him, but he gets on my nerves.

I'll be more than happy to use the sensors if he would like to purchase them for me!