Update on Anna 40 Days Old

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas. We had a busy, but fun one. Nate and Abbie got some wonderful gifts thanks to Santa and his helpers Lindsey and her family, Sissy, and a family of elves from Tim’s church. It was truly wonderful all the help we received this year and I can’t express my gratitude enough. It was going to be really tough had it not been for those wonderful people named and I’m proud to call them family rather than friends.

The plan to go see Anna didn’t work out as I had wanted it to, but Nate and Abbie were able to meet Anna and that’s all I really wanted. We spent more time than I had anticipated at my Dad’s. And then we came home to prep food for my Mom’s house that night so we got a late start on the road. And then it was snowing. I don’t remember it ever snowing in Tennessee on Christmas, and it did this year. It was beautiful, but I didn’t enjoy driving in it, especially to Nashville. Nate and Abbie did well in the NICU, I was holding Abbie and Bubba had Nate. We held them to the incubator and I asked, “who is that?”, and Nate answered without hesitation, “that Anna”, I was very impressed. They didn’t stay long, but they blew her kisses and told Anna they loved her when they left. I helped Bubba out to the car and when I came back in, Tim was holding Anna in a stocking. It was very cute.

Her nurse said that they aren’t hearing her heart murmur as much anymore, indicating that it was closing up. Praise God! They are also giving her a paci every now and then to check her suck, swallow, breathe reflex. They are impressed with how well she is doing for her gestational age (32 weeks today). I forgot to ask the nurse about her weight, but I called yesterday and she said she is up to 2lb. 9oz. I am amazed. The last time I checked she was 2lb. 5oz. and now she is up 4oz. I can’t put into words how happy I am. She is going to be home before we know it. Please continue to pray for her health, her doctors, and her nurses. Without the prayers she wouldn’t be where she is.

This Just Sucks

I thought I had mentally prepared myself for Anna to be in the hospital over Christmas. I knew there was a good chance it would happen given Nate and Abbie were both premature as well. I remember how hard it was to experience Abbie's first Fourth of July without her so I made a plan of how Christmas Day was going to be for us in the McKee household. And that is still the plan. But as Christmas Day nears, I find that regardless of how much planning I do, I want my Anna home with us. I want Nate and Abbie to help their sister unwrap her gifts in our living room, not in the NICU. I want to dress her up and take her to our family's houses and show off my beautiful family. I want Nate and Abbie to meet Anna without wires and tubes hooked to her. It's scary for anyone to see, but now I'm going to traumatize my 2 and 3 year old by having them meet their 2lb sister with nasal prongs and a feeding tube down her throat.

I was sad about this yesterday. I fought back tears all day it seems like. And I would probably be admitted to the hospital for dehydration had I allowed myself to cry. But Nate and Abbie plead with me not to cry and because they don't understand why I am crying, I really try not to. But today... today I am angry. I am mad that my baby was born so early. I am mad that her little body has to fight so hard to live. I am angry that she has felt the physical pain she has because of me. Because my body can't carry a child to term and give the baby a healthy start. Don't get me wrong, I'm very thankful that Anna is doing as well as she is. It's been a rough ride, but Anna is a firework and she is going to light up the world. I know it! She is special, one look at her and you know she is. I can't wait to have her home so that I can look at her whenever I want.

Update on Anna One Month Old

My precious Anna is one month old now and is doing very well. She is still right at the 2 pound mark, her doctor this week showed concern with her growth, but I'm hopeful. Abbie had a hard time gaining weight as well, and even though she eats EVERYTHING, she is still small weighing around 25lbs and being 2 1/2. They can still hear the heart murmur and have talked to me about the possibility of surgery. Of course, Google had already made me aware of heart surgery being the result when a heart murmur is present and the medicine doesn't work. I don't try to Google her conditions, but I knew the doctors and nurses weren't telling me something when they told me the medicine wasn't working and they could only give her one more round. So I googled.

Anna was actually one month old yesterday. I took Sissy (my brother's (who we call Bubba) girlfriend). And of course when I got there I asked almost immediately about holding her. Her nurse, which is the one that had been with her the day the doctor told me about her lung collapsing and her other having bubbles in the tissue, asked me about Kangaroo Care. I know my eyes lit up when she asked, I couldn't hide that my hopes were high at the thought of holding my baby skin to skin. So she called the respiratory therapist who gave the o.k. for kangaroo care. I was ecstatic. I held her for 20 minutes while Sissy took pictures and her nurse changed her incubator out. It was the most surreal, happy, and incredible moment of my life. I was ecstatic that Sissy had come with me and was able to capture the moment for me on camera. If you'd like to see the pics, send me a friend request on Facebook (Traci Smith McKee), let me know that you read the blog and I will add you.

Update on Anna 25 Days Old

I was able to hold her for the first time today! YAY :) I was ecstatic. She is doing very well since her episode. She doesn't have any iv's and she is still off her vent. She does have the nasal prongs, but is needing very little oxygen. Her doctors and nurses are slowly increasing her food intake and I am proud to say that as of yesterday, she weighed 2 pounds. She weighs an entire 2 packs of cheese. She still hasn't cried, but I think that has more to do with her feeding tube versus her not being able to. Her nurse told me that she squeaks when she wants to cry. I remember Abbie squeaking when she wanted to cry and Abbie doesn't have any lung issues and doesn't have any trouble screaming or crying. Trust Me! 

I am still in the hospital. My doctors are working on giving me the correct dosage of the right medicines to keep my blood pressure down. I am also on a strict diet of low sodium along with my limited carbohydrates and I also have to limit my fluid intake so that I won't get swollen again. They say my diet won't stay like this forever, but it will be like this for at least the next 6 weeks. 

Update on Anna 22 Days Old

I'm sorry I haven't updated on Anna, but things were at a stand still for a little while. She has made progress in the last couple of days. She is no longer on a ventilator. Thank You Jesus!!! She is getting some oxygen with nasal prongs. They are gradually increasing the amount of milk she is being fed, but I noticed today that she didn't have an IV. I asked her nurse about it and she said that Anna hasn't had an iv for a while. I was shocked. She is doing so well. I'm so proud of her and thank God for the miracles he is performing through my little girl.

I, on the other hand, am not doing so well. Or I wasn't. I was sick on Sunday and slept all day and on Monday I felt a little better. I was tired, but I wasn't nauseous and I wasn't vomiting like I had on Sunday. Tuesday was the same. And Wednesday was another bad day. I couldn't even keep down my medicine and I slept all day. Thank goodness for my mom, she watched the babies while all of this was happening. Thursday morning I woke up feeling a little better, but not 100 percent. Tim called Dr. Love to ask for advice about what we should do about my health. His nurse practitioner was actually the one we spoke with. She wanted to know what was going on and I told her how I was feeling and she recommended that I  come on up to the hospital.

So here I am. At the hospital. Dr. Love thought I had a heart condition that was causing all of my symptoms and I met with a cardiologist this morning. The cardiologist doesn't think that I have a heart issue, but that the swelling from when I was pregnant (and still have) is causing my issues. I gained about 50 to 75 pounds of water when I got preeclampsia with Anna and it still hasn't left my body. Apparently, my body doesn't like it anymore so they are giving me lasiks to get rid of it. It seems to be working, I definitely feel better now than I did on Wednesday. Hopefully, I'll get to go home this weekend. But if not, at least I'm just down the hall from Anna.

Update on Anna 2 Weeks Old

I met another one of Anna's neonatologists today. She said that Anna has had a rough week and is now experiencing digesting problems. They were going to give her clear fluids for a few of her feedings since her body would absorb most of the nutrition without having to do a lot of digesting. She also wanted to go ahead and "put the thought" in my head... Anna has been given the maximum dosage of medicine for her heart murmur and she said although it's hard to hear if the murmur is still there because of Anna's vent, she thinks that it's present and the next step would be surgery to close it up. Anna is also being given narcotics for pain which she could become addicted to, but it's what she needs at this time. She just wanted to keep me informed of Anna's care and medications.

I told the doctor that I can handle anything they have to tell me. And I can, because I no longer look at it as she's hurting. I know she is and I would do anything to take the pain away, but more than anything she is surviving. She is fighting. That's what I hear when they tell me that they had to increase the amount of oxygen she's receiving. Yes, they had to increase her oxygen levels, but she hasn't given up. She hasn't stopped breathing. She's holding on with the assistance of modern technology, that is what I hear when they tell me she may need surgery. That's what I hear when they tell me about the medications they are having to give her.

She had another head ultrasound and the bleed in her head is pretty much the same. Praise God that it's not getting bigger. Her doctor last week said that these bleeds are graded on a level of 1 to 4. 1 being the smallest, meaning that these bleeds don't typically leave any lasting damage. 4 being the worst, meaning that the bleed may cause developmental or other issues in the baby. Anna's bleed is a level 2, they are hopeful that the bleed will resolve itself.

I know that God is taking care of Anna. I know that he is listening to everyone's prayers and that she is going to be taken care of. Please continue to pray for her and thank you for loving her.

Update on Anna 11 days old

If you follow me on Facebook then you know that I asked for prayers for Anna on Saturday because she wasn't doing well. I didn't elaborate on Facebook because I updated my status from my phone since my internet was down all weekend.

My friend, Emily and I headed to the hospital to see Anna on Saturday. I don't call and check on Anna on the days that I go to see her, I figure I will wait and let them tell me what is going on when I get there. On the way there I got a phone call from her doctor in the NICU. He explained that Anna was on a special ventilator and that we would talk more in depth when I got there. Emily and I walked in and I was immediately scared. Typically, when I go for a visit, her nurse is sitting in a chair in front of the computer in between Anna and another baby's incubator. A nurse was sitting in that chair, but there were also 3 other nurses present surrounding Anna's incubator and then there was Anna's neonatologist for the day. The first thing I asked was if Anna was o.k., they all spoke and said "yes, she's fine". And I immediately started crying, if she was o.k. then why were all these people surrounding my baby? The doctor took us over to another computer and brought up her chest x-rays from that morning. Her right lung had air bubbles in the tissue around the lung. He explained that our lungs are filled with air, but not the tissue around it. Her left lung had collapsed. They had her on a high frequency ventilator so that she is getting 345 breaths a minute and basically doesn't have to work at breathing at all. He also said that her heart murmur was back. That he hadn't heard it for a day or 2, but when he checked that morning it was definitely back. He couldn't say if it would go away again or not.  I tried to process the information as I was getting it, but I couldn't. I was definitely glad Emily was with me because shortly after that they asked us to wait in the waiting room because they were going to try to insert an arterial i.v. so they could pull blood from it and get all the information from her blood that they need. It took about 30 minutes and they weren't able to get a vein. She's just so small and her veins are too little. We left, however, I went back later that night to spend some time with her. I left that night with her resting and doing well.

Sunday morning, I was on my way to church when I got another phone call. I thought I had prepared myself for anything and everything that was going to happen to Anna. I was wrong. Her doctor called and told me that Anna had coded and was down for about 20 minutes before they were able to bring her heart rate up and re-intubate her. He said it looked like she had aspirated some formula and when he pulled the breathing tube out, he then tried to suction as much of the formula out of her lungs as he could. He said it took about 4 times before he was able to get her to take the tube again, but that her x-ray that morning showed that her right lung was collapsing as well and through all of the intubations, her lungs re-inflated. When I got to the hospital, her doctor said that her blood work looked good and that she was resting comfortably. And she was. I could tell that she was exhausted, but she looked peaceful and her chest was rising a lot better than the day before. She is a very sick little girl and we are hopeful that we won't have anymore episodes like that again. But there are no guarantees. Her doctors and nurses are doing everything they can to make sure that one day we can bring her home and I'm very grateful to them.

We are looking at a long, bumpy, hard road ahead. More so than we thought. We are also looking at a longer stay in the NICU than anticipated, but I don't mind as long as one day I'm able to hold her, put her in a carrier, and bring her home to meet Nate and Abbie. I know God is going to care of her and give her the strength she needs to fight. He is giving us all the strength we need to fight. I just ask that you all continue to pray. Pray for her. Pray for her family. Pray for the doctors and the nurses.

Update on Anna at 6 Days Old

I always call her nurses in the morning hoping that Anna has one in particular. She has had this one for the past 3 days and she is AWESOME. I feel that some people find themselves in careers because they feel that they are good at "it". And some people find themselves in careers because they feel called to do "it". I feel that she was definitely called to be a nurse. I will call her Nurse Awesome and she gave me awesome news. Anna was taken off the ventilator today! PRAISE GOD!!!! I thought for sure she would be on the ventilator for a couple of weeks. At least. She has a nasal cannula helping her breathe, but to be off the ventilator at 27 weeks gestational is nothing less than a miracle from God. She did say that Anna may get tired in which case they would reinsert the vent, but she wanted to see how Anna did without it and she was doing well. Nurse Awesome said that she was fed 2cc's (a very small amount) of milk I had expressed before leaving the hospital and did well with it. They were going to increase her intake today to 3cc's. She weighs 1lb 10oz which is 4oz less than her birth weight, but I know she is going gain weight in know time if she continues to eat like she is and they have to increase the amount they feed her.

We are going to visit her tomorrow morning. We haven't seen her since I was discharged on Monday so I'm extremely excited, I can't wait to see her and take pics. Unfortunately, I don't have my memory card reader so I can't download the pictures of her yet. Our home was broken into this past Saturday and my camera with the memory card reader were one of the items stolen. I can take pictures with my phone, I just can't download them. But I will as soon as we get it replaced. Continue to pray for Anna and her progress. Pray that God continues to bless her doctors and nurses with their skills required to take care of her. Thank you all for the comments on my previous post. They are extremely uplifting and touching and I appreciate all the love that is shown.

Update on Anna at 5 Days Old

Her nurse said she is doing good and that they are going to start feeding her the milk that I've nursed for her tonight. Praise God! 27 weeks old and already starting to eat *actual* food. She is still on the ventilator which is to be expected. I think she'll probably be on the vent for at least a couple of weeks. They gave her a head ultrasound today to check for any brain bleeds. She did have a small bleed in the right side of her brain and they are going to follow up with more ultrasounds to see if it corrects itself. I couldn't bring myself to ask what happens if it doesn't fix itself. I ask that all of you pray that it does. I know prayers for my Anna are being heard by our Great Physician and he is giving her doctors and nurses the skills they need to take care of her as well as Anna strength to fight. It's hard to watch your baby fight so hard for her life, but she does it and with full force. I thank all of you for loving her as much as I do and for praying for her.

Update on Anna

I was able to go home today on strict doctor's orders to make an appointment and come back and see Dr. Love on next Wednesday. A few things I learned the past couple of days. Anna is considered a micro preemie. Her left lung isn't expanding and she has a heart murmur. They are laying her on her left side and then rotate to her right. There is medicine they can give her if her lungs don't start expanding on their own. Her heart murmur is caused by a channel in between her valves is open. Typically this closes up by itself before the baby is born, but Anna being premature she may have to get a round of a different medicine that will help. She is stable and thriving. She is still on a ventilator, but with very little oxygen. She isn't eating, she is getting nutrients through an IV in her umbilical cord. That's all the update I have so far. Keep praying for Anna.

Anna Jane McKee

was born on November 18th, 2010 at 11:11am. She weighed 1lb 14oz and is 13in long. My fear became my reality on November 2nd. I, again, became sick and dehydrated and I had to go the hospital for IV fluids. I thought that was the only thing wrong. And then my blood pressure became an issue which was being controlled by medication. After one week, I was released to go home and I prayed nonstop that I didn't need to go back until it was time to have Anna. Less than 12 hours later, I was back in the hospital because my blood sugar dropped so low that I became unconscious and the only thing to do was call the paramedics. When I arrived at the hospital they noticed my blood pressure was dangerously high and so they called Dr. Love and he had me transfered back to Baptist Hospital. They were able to get my blood pressure under control once again with IV medication, but then my sugars would drop to dangerously low numbers in the middle of the night while I was sleeping. And if it weren't for constant monitoring, they might could have killed me (like if I were home, sleeping).   Little did I know this was going to be the least of my problems. On Monday, November 15th I was taken off of IV insulin and began a shot regimen, which went well. My sugars stayed fairly normal on Monday, but then on Tuesday I came across more scary lows that couldn't be explained. On Wednesday, My Dr. Blunt (a partner of Dr. Love) came in and explained that my kidneys were not working properly and wasn't excreting insulin as it should be. So my body is holding onto the insulin and it continues to be used which explains the unexplainable lows. She told me she felt comfortable keeping me in the hospital until Anna was born, but that I was already showing signs of Preeclampsia and thought 2 weeks was as long as Anna was going to be able to be baked. I tried to process the news, but I was too excited because Emily came to see me with my babies. I was so glad to see them and I miss them more than words can say. We walked around and took them to the waiting room to play with a few toys. We had a good time. My mom came up to get Nate and Abbie and take them back to her house where Tim would pick them up. I gave them the news of what Dr.Blunt had said. Of course they became scared and immediately started to pray for me, Anna, and my family. Emily actually stayed the night with me that night and kept me company. We had a good time for the most part, but I was in a lot of pain because it was becoming increasingly hard to breathe and all the swelling I had endured made it hard to move comfortably. My favorite nurse took care of me that night and called in to have a test ran to find out how much oxygen was in my blood as well as a chest x-ray to find out what my lungs looked like. When I woke up, Emily had already left to take care of her kids and Dr. Love came in to talk to me. He said he wanted to run some more blood work to find out where kidney function was running as well as other things. Well, it was 30 minutes later that he was back in my room telling me that I have swelled so much that the fluid has no where else to go exept to my lungs and that's what was happening. He also said that preeclampsia has set in and that even though he didn't want to deliver me at 26 weeks, he thought it was best thing for me and the baby. So I cried and called Tim and some other family members. Tim rushed up here. My mother was about 10 seconds behind him. And then Emily came back. It was about 9am when Dr.Love told me we were delivering today. And I was being taken back to the or at around 10-10:15ish am. It happened very fast. I was prepped and given a spinal block and surgery started at about 10:55am and she was out and being taken care of at 11:11am.

I haven't been able to meet her yet. My blood pressure has been so high that my doctor doesn't want me to move. AT ALL. I can't move from this bed for anything. After I realized on friday that I wasn't going to meet Anna that day, I went ahead and ordered real food and pain medication. I went to sleep around 9pm. I woke up this morning about 7 feeling well rested, optimistic, and positive. My blood pressures look a lot better and they are hoping to get me mobile today and take me to see Anna. I can't wait to meet her. I love her soooo much already and I want her to know.

Emily has definitely put the word out about Anna and my family and I know there are a lot of prayers for Anna being said and a lot of love being sent to her. I feel it. And I feel very blessed. I'm going to try and post updates on Anna as I get them and I want to post pictures for sure. And I will once I meet her. I can't wait for everyone to meet this precious 1lb 14oz baby, she is going to light up the world.

23 Weeks and Counting...

That's right... I have (hopefully) 10 - 12 weeks left until I meet Baby Anna. Dr. Love is still hoping for a 34 weeker, but of course we could have a 30 weeker. Time has flown by. I thought I had prepared myself, mentally, for another baby and I realized on Sunday that I hadn't. My dad called and asked me about Christmas. Christmas?? I told him I couldn't talk about Christmas right now because I still had Halloween and Thanksgiving to think about. He so politely reminded me that Halloween was a week away and Thanksgiving is less than a month away. And then it hit me. That if my body turns on me we could have Anna here in a little over a month. (Body please don't turn on me). I mean, if I'm being realistic, Anna could be born before Christmas. I can't think about that. I can't think about the holidays. I called Tim as I was having a panic attack. I don't think he realized I was having a panic attack as he told me that he was trying to cope with the thought that I may be in the hospital over the holidays.. SAY WHAT??? That's not possible. I can't be in the hospital over the holidays. I have to be home to see Nate and Abbie open their gifts from Santa. I have how Christmas will play out if Anna is born, but not if I'm still in the hospital.

I, of course, won't be doing any cooking or entertaining... on Christmas Eve, I'm going to go visit Anna and take gifts for Nate and Abbie (the ones that are from Anna) there to put under her crib. I'm going to spend time with her and love on her as much as I possibly can. I will come home to go to Tim's family. I will show pictures of Anna and play with Nate and Abbie as well as my nieces and nephews. That night will be spent getting everything prepared for Santa. And of course making sure Santa has put everything out for them. Christmas morning, we will wake up and let Nate and Abbie open up their gifts and play before getting ready to go to my Dad's. We will go eat breakfast over there and spend time with that side of my family. We are usually done about 10 or 11am in the past and hopefully that will stay true. I then want to leave and I want to pick up my Mom and hopefully Bubba (my brother) and Sissy (his girlfriend) and head to Nashville to see Anna. Nate and Abbie will help her open her gifts and they will open the gifts from Anna. And of course there will be lots of pictures taken. I want to spend as much time with Anna as I can. It's a long drive back and forth to Nashville from where we live which is why I hope my Mom, Bubba, and Sissy can come. Hopefully they'll take Nate and Abbie to the NICU visiting room so I can stay with Anna or maybe even take them home so they can play with their new toys. I hope it doesn't sound like I'm trying to spend more time with Anna than with Nate and Abbie. I'm hoping to evenly divide my time and spend Christmas morning with them and Christmas afternoon with Anna. Of course I want Nate and Abbie to be included in that time, but their attention span is limited and there isn't much to do in the NICU.

Again, that's how I have it planned in my head, but it may play out differently. But either way, I'm not planning on being in the hospital over Christmas. Hopefully Dr. Love can keep me in good health until after the holidays.

Fear Has Intensified

My fear of Anna being born early has done just that... intensified. It seems like every week that passes, the fear becomes worse to where I feel like I can't breathe. It doesn't help that I've had to cancel 3 appointments with Dr. Love because I am without my car. My mom is letting me borrow hers, but I don't feel comfortable driving it to Nashville. I haven't had my 20 week ultrasound yet. I'm only 21 weeks, but I haven't heard her heartbeat in 4 weeks now. I can feel her move and that's been reassuring, but I need the ultrasound. It's like a drug. I'm so scared of something being wrong and going this long without a doctor's appointment is driving me crazy. I feel anxious ALL THE TIME! It's enough to drive a person crazy. I think my antidepressants are helping me keep my sanity though. Thank goodness I need them to also keep me from vomiting.

Last night I had a dream that Anna was born. Like now. 4 months early. But she was big and healthy. She didn't have to go to the NICU. She was born already smiling and she had dimples and she was bald. We were in some kind of store and I was carrying her around while shopping. I also had a dream about my bank account and fixing myself something to drink. It was a crazy night for dreams I suppose. I'm excited about having another girl. Abbie is my cuddle bug and I love it when she wakes up and drags her blanket and her bunny into the living room and crawls up in my lap to snuggle. It's the best time. My hope is that she will want to snuggle with "baby sister" when she is born. Nate loves Abbie. He hugs her and kisses her whenever she'll let him. It's so sweet, I know he's going to be the best big brother to sister and baby sister, but I worry about Abbie. She's so used to getting all the attention and I don't want to take that from her or have her feel that mommy doesn't have as much time for her. I know it will all work out and they will all love each other.

Doctor's Appointment

So in my previous blog, I mentioned that Nate, Abbie, and Tim went with me to my doctor's appointment after all . However, they didn't go back with me. Tim had to take them out to the elevators and walk with them because of how restless they were. They first performed the ultrasound to measure growth, I mentioned to the technician that it was my birthday and asked if she would look to find out the gender. Of course she was more than happy to oblige my request, I love my doctor and the entire practice. They are awesome. So she measured the growth and the baby is growing like she should. That's right... she. IT'S A GIRL. I'm so excited. Besides the fact that we still have all of Abbie's baby clothes, it's confirmation that I've been right about the gender of all my babies. Her name? Annalise Jane. Ann is Tim's mom's middle name and Jane is my mom's middle name and now one of our children will have a family name. I couldn't stop smiling after that and then, while I was waiting to be taken back to an exam room, I heard the woman in the room next to where I was sitting. She was sobbing. Dr. Love walked out alongside another person whom I didn't recognize and they looked indifferent. I realized they were showing their "game" faces. And the woman had obviously had a not so happy ultrasound and I was suddenly overridden with guilt and gratefulness. I said a prayer and shed a couple of tears for the young woman crying in the next room. I pray for her every night. I don't know her name, I don't know what the doctor found or what she was told. I just know that those were not tears of joy she was pouring. I pray that God comfort her and her family. That he wrap his arms around her and hold her. I know what it's like not getting good news. I know what it's like to have worse case scenario come into play. And I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy much less a stranger.

I am very blessed to have a healthy and active baby in my belly. And I love her although I've never met her. And I feel very blessed to have her. I have a bond with her that I didn't have with Nate and Abbie. I didn't bond with Nate until he was born. It was so hard to carry him that I separated myself from him until I saw him. Abbie... I don't remember my pregnancy with Abbie, but I know I didn't feel this strongly about her like I do now with Anna. I think it mostly, if not completely, has to do with the last pregnancy. I thought Nate and Abbie were going to be my only babies. I thought I wouldn't be able to have anymore babies whatsoever because of how the last pregnancy played out. It goes to show you that miracles can and do happen. Nate and Abbie are definitely miracles. Both being happy and healthy preemies. I love love love Nate, Abbie, and Anna more than words can say.

Venting

Which is exactly what I'm going to do. My birthday was Wednesday and it was a complete disaster from the get go. And it seems that it wasn't just a bad day, but it has leaked and turned into a bad week as well. I had an appointment with Dr. Love on my birthday at 10am. I wasn't upset about it because of how early it was and the fact that I had an ultrasound scheduled and we would be able to tell if the baby was a girl or a boy. Tim took the day off, but had to go to work for a meeting early in the morning. Although I wasn't pleased with this, it was fine since the meeting was at 6:30 in the morning. He was going to meet me at my mother's house and watch the kids so I could go to my doctor's appointment without distraction. It would've been great if it was that easy, but of course it wasn't going to be. I got up and got the kids dressed and in the car and we set en-route to "Grann's" house right on time. My mother lives and Tim works in Murfreesboro which is 30 minutes from where I live, but it's on the way to Nashville so it wasn't a big deal to go there. I got a call when I was 10 minutes away from my Grann's house from Tim telling me that I have to turn around and go back home to get some paperwork he had forgotten. I can't tell you how mad I was and how much I "voiced" my unhappiness. See, now I don't have time to take the kids to my mother's because even though she lives in the town in between where I live and Nashville, it's on the otherside of where I have to be in order to get to Nashville. So that threw a huge wrench in my plans for the day. Not to mention that I was unable to stop at Starbucks which was in my timeline for the morning. I ended up giving Tim his paperwork and then he ended up going with me to the appointment so that he could watch the kids while I went to the doctor. I have to say that I was reluctant to the idea of spending any time with Tim on this day after that morning. I'm glad he went with me now. The appointment lasted 2 hours because of the ultrasound and the fact that all doctor's run late and are never on time. He endured the screaming and fussing while waiting instead of me. He also kept them out of the office all together because of their unhappiness and frustration of waiting. Nate is 3 and Abbie is 2... they don't understand the reasons of waiting. They want everything NOW.  So they were ready to leave after 15 minutes.

So we leave the appointment (the appointment and ultrasound info will be in another post). And we are now on our way to Grann's so she can watch the babies and Tim and I can go eat for my birthday when the car breaks down. We have been leaking antifreeze so Tim puts more in the tank and we leave. When we get to Grann's, the car still isn't working properly. I take the babies into the air-conditioned house and I leave Tim to worry about the car. He calls a couple of people. One says is sounds like head gasket the other says possible thermostat problem. Tim thinks it more of a thermostat issue and does what the guy told him to do under the hood and we leave to go eat at a Hibachi grill. Yummy food, but I wish I could have had sushi. I loooooove sushi, but I'll wait and load up once the baby is born. We leave and the car stalls in the middle of a busy street in a college town during rush hour. Tim was able to drive it at 5mph to a gas station. I then sit in the car while he calls more people. It ends up that the dealership where we bought the car towed it back to their shop, my brother's girlfriend (Sissy) picks me up and takes me to Grann's, and my brother (Bubba) picks Tim up after the car was towed and we all meet at Grann's for birthday cake. Yeah, Happy Birthday to me!

It seems that it is the head gasket and the dealership says that the car is under warranty but we have to have all the service records for the car. Well, we don't have that since we bought the car used. The dealership says they will fix it, but it will cost us. I have had this car for less than 90 days and have put less than 5000 miles on it. I have paid to have it's fluids changed. I even put gas in it before bought it because it was sitting on empty and I needed to test drive it. (they were supposed to reimburse me for it, but never did). And more than that, we have to find someway to get it from Nashville to Shelbyville so that we can even get it fixed. They won't tow it back to Murfreesboro where they picked it up from. I don't know what I'm going to do. All these doctor's appointments and now I don't have a car? FML

This Past Week

I absolutely love my doctor. Have I mentioned that?? I talked to him about the anxiety I was having and he performed an ultrasound to ease my mind. I wasn't scheduled for one, but his doppler to hear the baby's heartbeat went "missing" so an ultrasound was necessary to find out how fast it was beating. It was a pretty uneventful doctor's appointment and I wish I could say that was the last time I saw him... but it wasn't. On Thursday, hyperemesis reared it's ugly head and by Saturday I was in the hospital hooked up to an i.v. receiving fluids, phenagrin, zofran, and a medicine that seems to be helping with nausea and vomiting called Remeron. I had to be transported by ambulance because of how severe I had let it get, but I try everything I have at home and come close to death before allowing anyone to take me to a hospital. Stupid? Maybe... but I hate hospitals and pray as hard as I can for God to stop it before allowing a doctor to come near me.

I went to Baptist since that's where Dr. Love is based out of and he thinks that I need the level of care Baptist Hospital has to offer. MTMC is a good hospital, but it doesn't have as high of level of care I seem to need. The plus side?? I was placed on the antipartum floor which is also the NICU floor. They were in the middle of reconstruction when I was pregnant with Baby Boo and now seem to be finished and it has completely changed. It's completely sealed off except for the admitting area which also has an access door to the 3rd floor parking garage of the hospital. And when I say sealed off, I mean if you turn left which takes you to the NICU, you run into a door with an intercom system and you have to buzz in and let a nurse let you in. If you don't have a bracelet on to show, you can't go any further. They even have special bracelets for visitors to wear. From what I know, when you go in to have a baby... The mother and father are given a certain number of bracelets for visitors for their baby. Mother and father have hospital bracelets. If you haven't been given one of those visitor bracelets or aren't with the mother or father, you can't visit. Now, if you go to the right of the admitting area, you run into another door you have to buzz that leads you to the antipartum part. Which is the part of the floor that houses pregnant women who need medical attention. Not as restrictive as the NICU, but still a restricted area. 

One of my fears when I had Nate was that he would be taken and I was comforted by the measures the hospital took to make sure that didn't happen. Now it's impressive. 

Tim came and saw me on Sunday and took me down to the gift shop so I could buy a magazine, but also so that I could see a set of 4 walls that weren't my room. Two older ladies came in the gift shop while I was reading the tabloids and asked about where the NICU was. Tim told them about the restrictive measures and they were upset that you couldn't look "in the window" (as one of them put it). This made me a little more than upset. NO there are no windows. NICU is for preemie and less than healthy babies. You don't see 2lb babies on the street do you? NO. I have also never seen a baby outside the NICU with a ventilator or hooked up to a ton of tubes. And there is a reason for that... you aren't supposed to see it. I expressed my more than upset attitude once these ladies were out of earshot. I knew they were probably unexperienced in the sick baby category, but nonetheless.. I'm 4 months pregnant, in the hospital away from my babies and therefore extremely emotional and expressive, so I had Tim buy me my magazine and take me back to my room and I took a nap.

I have accepted that my baby, regardless of gestational age when it's born, is going to be a NICU baby. I'm diabetic and it is what it is. But I pray, every night and day, that Dr. Love gets me to 34 weeks gestational so that I can take Baby McKee #3 home the same day I'm discharged. 

Anyway... I came home on Monday and everything has been "normal" since. I have another doctors appointment on Wednesday which is also my birthday. I'm having an ultrasound for growth, but I'm hoping they will try and find out if the baby is a girl or a boy since it is my birthday. 

Anxiety

I have a doctors appointment today. Nothing major, just my biweekly check-in with Dr. Love. Like anyone, I don't particularly care for doctors. But I'm especially anxious today and I'm not sure why. I feel very nervous and I can't stop shaking. I feel as though I'm about to sing in front of a huge crowd. Maybe it's the drive to nashville I fear. I hate driving in nashville, but I've done it a thousand times. I don't know what this nervousness is about, but I hope I am making a mountain out of a molehill.

Fear

I have many fears with this pregnancy. But the one I want to blog about is my fear of another premature baby. Dr. Love has already stated that he would be happy if he could get me to 34 weeks. I would looooove to get to 36 weeks. I have 2 children that I wasn't able to hold right after birth. I wasn't able to nurse them. Nate had an extreme case of jaundice that required him to be under lights most of the time so that we could take him home so I only held him for a few minutes at a time multiple times through out the day. We were able to take him home one week after he was born. That was two days after I was discharged. I thought that was hard until Abbie. I learned what it was to be a parent of a preemie with her. Nate didn't feel like a preemie. I mean, there were other moms around me who had been with their babies for months and were still waiting to take their baby home when Nate was discharged. But I became that mom, the mom who watched other moms and babies go home when Abbie was born weeks before that baby was, but yet they were going home and I still couldn't hold my baby for more than 20 minutes a day. There were many sleepless nights because of anxiety. I consumed myself with thoughts of the NICU calling and giving me bad news. And during the day I would try and spend time with Nate before leaving on my one and a half hour journey to the NICU Abbie was at so that I could hold her for 20 minutes. Hopefully changing her diaper, taking her temperature, and maybe even feeding her through her o.g. tube. I called the NICU every morning to check on her. To see if the doctors said anything different from the day before, find out if she gained an ounce of weight... I had a routine of questions I always asked and before long the nurse would already answer my questions before I even asked them. *Has the doctor seen her yet? If so what did they say? How much did she weigh today? Did she have any spells (apnea)? Is she breathing room air or does she still need oxygen? Did the doctor say anything about when we can try to bottle feed?* I was able to hold her for as long as I wanted when she was 5 weeks old. That was one week before we took her home. Thankfully, we took her home without any special equipment and she weighed 4lbs .5oz at 6 weeks old.

Any NICU mom will tell you it's the hardest thing to have to leave your baby and go home. And to do it day after day, week after week is almost traumatizing. I remember resenting the mothers on the same floor I was on when I was still in the hospital. I would hear their babies cry and would get angry. I wanted my baby in my room. I wanted to console her when she cried. I wanted a nurse to bring her to my room instead of having to make a journey down the hall, take a left, go past the corridor to the elevators, go down 3 floors, take a right, then take the first left, go all the way down that hallway until you come to the only brown door with an intercom system. Buzz in and let them know you are the parents of Baby McKee. Wash your hands all the way up to your elbows with warm water and liquid soap and scrub them with the disposable scrub brushes provided to you above the sink for 3 minutes. Rinse and Dry. And then you can see your baby through a plastic window. And only touch her thru the doors provided on the incubator and don't touch her too softly as that will hurt the baby since their nerves aren't fully developed. Yes, don't rub, gently press your hand up to her back and hold it there.

Please Baby McKee #3... I plead, bake for as long as you need to.

Project

I love knitting projects and a friend of mine has given me one. She would like for me to make her 2 year old daughter a hat. I absolutely love the pattern. I'm going to post the link for it on here, because it truly is too cute.

http://www.petitepurls.com/Spring10/spring2010_pprecious.html

Why I Blog

I want to chronicle this pregnancy. There are so many things that happened when I was pregnant with Nate that I remember because he was first, that I don't remember with Abbie's pregnancy. I remember when I felt Nate first kick. I remember what we did after the ultrasound when we found out Nate was boy. I don't remember those things with Abbie. I don't remember what it felt like to ever feel her move inside. And although those things are trivial, it's important to me.
So far I haven't had any weird cravings per say. But I have craved things that I don't necessarily like. Milk is one. I'm not a huge fan, but yesterday I drank half a gallon by myself. Orange sherbert is good, but eating an entire gallon in a 3 day period is a bit much. I hate fish, and although it has made me throw up everything except my shoelaces everytime I eat it (and that's probably due to the fact that I don't own a pair of shoes that have laces), I crave it.

I feel the "quickening". It feels like a little rubber ball being bounced in my stomach. It's extreme when I hiccup though. I hate the hiccups with a passion, but I love the "bubbles".

I feel like the baby is a girl and I can't wait to find out since I was right about Nate being a boy and Abbie being a girl. Hopefully we will find out in about 4 weeks.

Deja Vu

I was rereading posts that I made back a little over a year ago... It made me sad. It made me cry. It made me think. On June 21,2009, we found out we were pregnant. But because of complications, my husband and I decided to end the pregnancy. The hardest thing I've ever had to do and something that I can't do again. With that being said... you can't imagine my shock when I found I was pregnant on June 18, 2010. This was not on purpose. This was very surprising to say the least. You could say that my husband's and my relationship wasn't the same after last August. Nonetheless... I am pregnant. Another shocking factor? I'm not sick. Not like I was. I had typical morning sickness, but nothing outside of morning sickness. I am currently 13 weeks pregnant and haven't experienced any sickness in over a week. *I sure hope I didn't jinx myself with that comment.* I've decided to see a different o.b. than I did with Baby Boo. But I actually only see my ob regularly. I have a perintalogist that monitors me bi-weekly if not weekly. I've seen him weekly for the past 3 weeks, but my next appointment was made for 2 weeks after the last one. YAY. I've had 4 ultrasounds... Needless to say that they are making sure that history doesn't repeat itself, so far it's working.

The baby is actually big. And perfect. I have experienced a lot of negativity from those who are supposed to support me. That's o.k. I actually expected it, but I've received a lot of support from people I didn't expect to. Especially my doctor who I will call Dr. Love. Because I do loooove him.  He has been excellent especially after finding out what kind of support system I have with 2 babies already. He was very patient when I had to bring Nate and Abbie to an ultrasound appointment due to the lack of support. He sat up 2 chairs next the bed so they could see me and then put a "tv" screen in their view so they could watch the baby. Loooooove him!

I can't tell you why God has blessed me with another child. I don't understand. AT ALL. But I'm very grateful and blessed.

Google It

I went to the doctor today to find out more about the infection I have. She didn't give me much information. She told me the obvious. That I have a kidney infection, need to take antibiotics, need to drink water, blah blah blah. I've heard it before. But she also said that she thought she saw pieces of my bladder lining. I am peeing out the lining of my bladder? That can't be good. She has sent out my urine for further testing and I have to go back on friday for more testing.

I don't even know what questions to ask... who urinates the lining of their bladder? I didn't even know my bladder had lining. I'm sure all organs do, but who thinks about that? Well, the lack of questions I had for her led me to Google. I hate Google sometimes. It puts thoughts in my head that I wouldn't of had otherwise. I googled "urinating bladder lining", first thing that catches my attention is Bladder Cancer, the 4th option. I clicked the 'x' button. I don't even want to know. But now I wonder if that's what the testing on friday is for. Is she going to test me for cancer? Is she waiting to see what the lab report says and that's why I won't get tested for this until friday?

I'm prone to infections since my immune system is pretty much non-existent. The antibiotic she has put me on, I've been on before and I know the outcome. The infection will disappear for about a week after I take the last pill and then it's going to come back and be stronger than ever. It's a vicious cycle that is never ending. One thing is for sure, I'm not looking forward to Friday.

Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired

I have had a chronic kidney infection since August. I've been to the doctor many times and have been put on different antibiotics, which work for a few weeks, but then the infection comes back and I have to be put on more antibiotics. In the last few weeks I have also had other infections set up for example, pink eye. There are other infections, but I don't want to get into those. I believe the infections are setting up because my antibodies are trying to kill the kidney infection which in turn allows other infections to set up since I have a weak immune system. It makes sense to me, but tomorrow I go to the doctor to find out if my theory is true or not.

I'm always terrified of going to the doctor and finding out exactly how bad my health is. I can pretend that I'm find and everything is o.k., until I see one of them. They like to bring me back to reality and tell me how bad my health really is. If my outside matched my inside, I would probably look like Freddie Krueger. But thankfully I look like a healthy 27 year old instead of a completely burned 50 year old man. But I would settle for looking like an average 40 year old if it meant that my inside matched my outside. 

But I especially hate being sick. I always wonder if this is the last time I'm going to get sick. I always wonder if this time my body is going to say, "I can't fight anymore. I give in." I've always felt that we start dying from the day we are born. I don't dwell on that thought as it is kind of depressing, but everyday when I wake up I thank God for what I have and I ask that today not be the day he takes me home. Before Nate and Abbie were born, I was o.k. with the thought of death. The only thing I asked was to not be in pain when I died. I wanted it be quick and vitually painless. And now the entire thought scares me. And not so much for me, but for my babies. I don't want them to grow up without having their mom. I don't know what I would without my mom sometimes. And especially through my teenage years that were so confusing and frustrating. I want to be there for them. I want to take care of them instead of them having to take care of me. I want to see them go to prom. Graduate high school and college. See them get married and meet my grandchildren. I want to get old, but at times I feel like I'm already old and feel like I have minutes left instead of years.

I'm An Awful Blogger

I started this blog so that I could keep up with the things that the babies did (and myself) on a day to day basis. I did good for a minute or two and then I was too sick to blog when I became pregnant with Baby Boo. I then blogged for an outlet. To talk about how I was feeling and release some of the emotions and anxiety caused by my procedure that I would feel in that moment. And as those emotions subsided and the anxiety became less intense, I found myself going a few weeks without blogging. And now I have found myself at almost a month without a new post. This makes me sad for a couple of reasons. 1. I'm sure the babies have said or done things that I didn't want to forget, but have because I didn't keep any record of it. 2. Because I'm afraid that I'm forgetting about my Baby Boo and what happened. It seems like it was just a bad dream with every passing day. I don't want it seem like a dream. I don't want to forget. I feel sometimes (and hope) that it's a lie I fabricated in order to get attention. Well, that's not true... 1. Because I hate receiving any kind of attention when it comes to my health. 2. I would be in padded room, because what sane person makes up something like that. 3. I have the one ultrasound picture taken of him.

I shouldn't be getting better. The scar should never heal. I should feel the unbelievable pain I had every morning as a reminder. It's like a knife cutting into my heart everytime I think about what I had to do in order to feel this well. I remembered the sounds and could recount everything that happened on August 11th up until a few of months ago. Now the sounds in the operating room and in the recovery room have faded. They are distant in my mind. I vaguely remember the song that was playing on the radio when I began to cry prior to my procedure. I hardly remember the conversation I had with the other girls while we waited and I used to be able to replay the conversation over and over in my head. The sounds in the operating room have faded in my memory. I feel like it should be sharp in memory as if it happened yesterday. I am undeserving of the time that has passed that is healing my wounds. Although I'm grateful.

After all of that, I am going to blog for the reason this blog was intended for. To keep up with my day to day activities in hopes that I don't forget anymore than I already have when it comes to Nate and Abbie. (Yes, I changed the spelling of Abbie's name. It was A-B-B-Y. It suits her dainty and girlie personality).

Today

Today is my Baby Boo's due date. By now he should've been born and home and doted over. He should've been covered in kisses from his big brother and sister. He should be eating, breathing, sleeping, pooping, and he should be in my arms. He should've been a lot of things, but the one thing he will always be is my baby. He will always be missed. He will always be the part of me that's not complete. He will never be forgotten for as long as I live. Time has gone by so fast which makes it hard. I think to myself, 'if only I could've blinked.' That's how fast the last 6 months have passed, 'I would've made it'.

What I Did Today

Today I put your picture away. I put you in a safe place where you are protected. That's what mom's do and I realized by keeping you out I wasn't protecting the only thing I have of you. I miss you and as your day comes near my mind wonders further away. I watch Nate and Abby play in the floor together and I drift to a day that will never be where you are there playing with them. I was taking Nate to Sissy one day for a playdate and I took Abby along for the ride, in the middle of the drive they both were sitting in their seats, staring at each other, laughing hysterically. I like to think you were in the backseat making them laugh. I hope you know you are never far away from my thoughts when I'm in the floor playing with them. And I hope you hear me when I tell you I love you and Good Night. I hope you listen when I sing you your lullaby. I miss you so much Baby Boo.

Hello Again...

I love to knit. I know that's very random to say, but I do. The one thing I love about knitting is that I can put a project down and pick up where I left off 6 months later. It just waits for me, it sits in my basket day after day watching me live my life. Poor knitting projects. The only problem is, is that I don't know where I left off. I look at it and I have a general idea of where I left off since I've probably knitted the pattern before, but I'm not real sure. I got the Ipod Touch for Christmas and there are a few apps I've downloaded that say they help with these type of things, but apparently the apps don't accommodate one type of pattern I have and unfortunately that's the project I stopped in the middle of 6 months ago. But I will pick it back up and eventually finish it.

Children

As an adult there is a lot I don't understand. As a mother there is a ton I don't understand. I do all I can to protect my children from harm and I spend as much time with them as I possibly can. This does mean that some chores don't get done, but they are only little for a short time. I love spending time with them. Hugging them, kissing them, tickling their toes, blowing raspberries on their bellies. It's a ton of fun. It hurts my heart when I read about another child going to heaven because of abuse and neglect, especially when caused by the people who are supposed to love them. I hurt so much for their bright and shining spirits. They come into this world not knowing anything and the first thing they learn is pain and hurt. Abby and Nate run to me and daddy when they hurt. They are looking for comfort and kisses. I can't imagine being the one to inflict pain and I can't imagine letting someone else hurt them. I can't imagine a child looking for comfort and kisses and getting thrown or hit because of it. I recently watched a video about a little boy named Peter Connolly, actually I watched about a minute to minute and a half and then I couldn't watch anymore. What I did watch (read rather) I was sick over. The torture that little boy went through... there are no words to describe how terrible awful it is. I only hope he passed away at the beginning so that he didn't feel any of it. Why does God do this? The longer I live the less I understand.

I will cherish every hug, every kiss, every song sang, every 'I love you' said, every scream, every cry, every 'mama', every laugh, every smile, every cuddle, every everything. I will only have open arms when Nate and Abby want to crawl in bed with us. I will having nothing but time when they want to sit down in the floor and play. Nothing but laughs when they step on my feet and it hurts. They will have my full attention whenever they want it.