I Just Don't Understand...

I have a friend who has been trying to get pregnant for quite sometime and I can't tell you how much I wish I could give her the gift of fertility. I seem to be able to get pregnant just by saying the word and she, bless her heart, can't. I can get pregnant but could die if I do again and she, a young and healthy young woman who would be a wonderful mother can't. It seems like a waste to give me the gift and not her. Why does God do that? I don't understand at all. It would make more sense for me to be infertile since pregnancy endangers my life and the life of my unborn child and give her the gift since she would be able to (as far as we know) carry the baby without any problem. I don't understand. I don't understand. God... I don't understand.

Merry Christmas

I was hoping for an eventful Christmas filled with baking and cooking. Decorations and wrapping and spending nights home with my family. Nate started getting what we thought was a cold on sunday. He had a runny nose and a cough, no big deal, or so I thought. On monday, we noticed Nate wasn't feeling well at all. He had a rough night sunday night, he couldn't get comfortable and didn't sleep very well. He was throwing up everything he was eating and drinking. About 10:30am he fell asleep in the recliner and we noticed his irregular breathing. He would stop breathing for 10 - 15 seconds and then he would start gasping for air. I saw him do this twice, Tim had called Nate's doctor prior to him falling asleep and she is out for vacation, so I took him to the ER. He didnt wake up to put on his socks and shoes or his jacket which put me in full panic mode. The hospital is exactly 7 minutes from my house and I got there in 3. I don't know how fast I was going, my main concern was getting him help.

He was awake when we got there and we were taken to an exam room immediately. His heart rate was 160 beats per minute and his pulse ox rate was 87%. I know mine is always at 98 - 100% and reading other blogs,  I knew this wasn't a good number. He has blood work, chest x-rays, and a breathing treatment. His pulse ox remained the same. He got comfortable after is breathing treatment and fell asleep. While he was asleep his nurse told me that he was being admitted and they were going to put in an IV so he could get antibiotics and fluids. I couldn't stay in the room. I was crying as much as he was when they put in the IV, but he did very well considering his 2 1/2. He got breathing treatments and vitals taken every 3 hours the first night. He was a trooper. He would stick out his finger for the pulse ox reading and his leg so they could check his bp. He held his arm up so they could get his temperature. All without having to be asked. And when they would pack up the machines and leave the room he would say "thank you. byebye".

Tuesday was the same except he had more energy. We went for walks when he wasnt hooked up to any fluids or antibiotics. He enjoyed the walks, he would say "hi" to everyone we saw. He pressed the buttons on the elevator. He made the best out of a bad situation. At about 1am they tried to push his steroid thru the IV and it wouldn't go. The nurses and I decided to remove the IV so that he could sleep comfortably. Which he did until 5am and then he was ready to go. We watched some cartoons and I tried to get a little more sleep (tried). We got some breakfast, went for another walk, came back to the room and I fell asleep. He wandered out in the hallway and I woke up to one of the nurses fixing him some juice. I felt horrible, but she said that he was fine and was charming all the nurses in the hallway. I didnt realize how true that statement was until I took him for another walk and he ran and gave all the nurses hugs. He even ran to some of the patients who were walking about and gave them hugs too. The little old ladies loved it. I was so proud of my little boy for being so friendly. And still he wouldn't walk to go anywhere until he was holding my hand. He was released this afternoon. He is still taking his breathing treatments and is on antibiotics.

OH... why was he in the hospital?? He was in the early stages of pneumonia and has been officially diagnosed with asthma. He is now doing well and is ready for christmas. So am I. Christmas with Tim's family was going to be over here, but it was decided (without me) that it would be at my sister in law's. She made the decision without asking me first. I wanted it be at my house and it may be different if Nate was still in the hospital, but he's not and he's not contagious. His doctor said it would be fine for us to do Christmas, just to keep him away from smoking (no one in either family smokes) and away from anyone who seems to be sick. So although it would be fine to go over there for Christmas, my feelings are hurt and I've decided to cook like I was going to and spend it with my family eating and watching movies. This situation does make future christmas' predictable.. We will from now on have christmas at our house and if anyone wants to spend it with us, they can come over. And if not... so be it. We aren't going to go over to anyone else's house for a holiday if they aren't willing to come over to ours.

I am so happy to be spending Christmas at HOME with my family... TOGETHER! Not at the hospital. Praise God!!

Merry Christmas Everyone!!!

To My Andrew...

I know you were a boy. I know it in my heart. You weren't old enough for anyone else to know, but I knew. I think about you everyday and I can't but help but wonder what your personality would be like when I see your brother and sister play. They get along so well together and I wonder what it would be like to see all 3 of you playing. I miss you everyday, but somedays are worse than others especially as your due date nears. I had Nate and Abby early and I wonder if you would've made an early appearance as well, that is if I would've been able to carry you at all. I'm sorry that my body gave up. I don't expect you to understand the decision that was made, I don't even understand. I don't understand why my body shut down. I want you to know that I love you and I'll love you forever. I want you to know that I enjoy being here with your brother and sister but knowing that you are waiting for me in heaven gives me something to look forward to. You are my precious angel and I believe that you are truly an angel. I had a dream about you a few days after you were gone, I dreamed that I was sitting on the couch with Nate and Abby and I was holding a baby in my arms. I saw a blue blanket and a baby but I didnt see a face. I know that baby was you and I know it was a promise that I will see you one day. I love you bunches and bunches and I hope that you will visit me in my dreams once again.

I wonder...

We all know about those websites that you can visit when your pregnant to find out info about your baby. They tell you what week you're in, how the baby is doing, how he/she is growing, what kind of mood your loved ones can expect you to be in, and how you are probably feeling as your belly expands. I try not to check those and I've done really well until my interest was perked realizing that it's been 3 months since my procedure and 3 months until my due date. I found out that right about now I would be in nesting mode. I found this interesting because I am in nesting mode. I've been cleaning my house like crazy. Going thru boxes, throwing tons of trash away, getting the babies clothes together to either donate or pass onto friends. I've been itching to clean out my garage. And when one of my favorite pregnancy websites said I was to be nesting it made me wonder if I was nesting. Is my mind still in preggo mode and I'm acting as if I'm still pregnant? Probably not. I've always been crazy about my house being, in the least, picked up. I like to be organized, I always have. And with the holidays around the corner, it would make sense that everything should be cleaned out. I mean, I need some place to put new toys and clothes. But there is a part of me that thinks that the procedure was a dream and that I'm still pregnant with Baby Boo. And then my fantasy is interrupted with reality after only a split second of imagining. It's ok though, my reality is one day I'll be in heaven with my baby and for now I'm enjoying my babies here on earth.

Fight For Preemies

I have seen 2 sides of the NICU. I have seen the bright side, where my baby although was born early, was born healthy enough to go home after a few light treatments for jaundice. I also saw the scary side, where my baby was born too early and struggled with things that we do unconsciously, such as breathing. Her organs weren't developed enough to handle milk that I had nursed, she received nutrients through an IV with a fluid called TPN. The NICU had to special order her diapers because the preemie sized were too big. I saw my baby fight for her life from the get go. We are so blessed to have our daughter home and healthy. Bright eyed with a smile that would melt a heart made of stone, many parents aren't as lucky. Many parents see 'prematurity' listed as one of the primary reasons of death on the death certificate of their child.

No parent, no mother, no family should have to endure the pain and heartache of having a premature baby. No child should have to fight for their life. We all deserve to have a healthy baby and a healthy start.

I recently found out that more than half of premature births, the doctors have no idea what happened. With Nate, I developed preaclampsia. With Abby, no clue... and I didnt go into labor, I didn't develop preaclampsia, my body simply couldn't handle being pregnant and the doctors don't know why and couldn't stop it.

Premature birth jeopardizes the lives and health of nearly half-million babies each year. It is the #1 killer of newborns and can lead to lifelong disabilities. Worse: the number has increased 31 percent since 1981. That's scary. With all the medical advances we have made since 1981, we can't seem to decrease the number of premature births in America.

That's why it's up to us... The parents... the people who have been affected by a child born too soon to fight. So that the ones who haven't been affected, aren't. Educate yourself if you are an expecting parent. Don't go into your pregnancy blindly, hanging on every word of your doctor. Knowledge is power and you are in control of your life and your babies life.

Thanksgiving

I am excited about the upcoming holidays. I love the food on Thanksgiving and we have been invited to a friend's house. This friend is 1 of my best friends out of the 2 best friends that I have. She has a huge family that have adopted me and my family as one of their own. They spend the day before Thanksgiving cooking. Literally, all day. They start at 10am and usually aren't done until 8 or 9pm. I have heard stories of this day, but this year I get to participate and help cook. I'm not sure how that is going to go over in a kitchen already filled with 4 women. I'll probably entertain the kids so that they can cook. And then Thursday you get to endulge in the product that was produced on Wednesday. And I have been over for Thanksgiving before and OMG the food is amazing.

The most fun for me, though, is the time together spent cooking. My family is a bit seperated. My Dad's Thanksgiving will be on Wednesday. We are to be there at 7pm. But that's when the food is ready. If you ask about being their earlier to help he'll say you can come, but that he doesn't need help. Which is true. Last year, when we arrived about an hour before the food was ready, my stepsisters were in the kitchen helping. And it became awkward when I went into the kitchen. So I left the room, I didn't want the awkward tension to reflect in the food.

My Mom's Thanksgiving consists of Thanksgiving breakfast at my house. She gets up early and fixes breakfast for my brother and my family. She cooks breakfast, because she goes to her boyfriend's house about 2pm to cook Thanksgiving for them and her boyfriend's son. We aren't ever invited, not that we would want to go because my brother and I aren't fans of him. But considering she has always put other people before her and her family, this isn't a shock. This was also the way Thanksgiving happened last year.

I'm not complaining by any means, at least I have a family. But it just amazes me how a friend's family is more of my family than my own family is. I feel out of place and awkward at my Dad's and nothing special at my Mom's and I'm excited about Amanda's. Shouldn't it be reversed?

Where Has The Time Gone?

It feels like forever since I've blogged. But I honestly don't have time anymore. I work Friday thru Tuesday from 10pm - 630am and I go to school Tuesday thru Friday from 8:30am - 4:30pm. When I get home, all I want to do is spend time with Nate and Abby and go to bed. I've even found myself going to bed before them. But I'm enjoying keeping myself busy. I've also made some great friends at school that have indirectly helped me cope. I don't put my personal life out there. I talk to everyone about personal experiences that pertain to the topic, but I don't start a conversation. I join into conversations that are already taking place. There have been a few that have experienced miscarriages and listening to them talk about their situation and how they have coped has helped me.

Nate and Abby are doing great. We went trick or treating on Halloween. We didn't go to any houses. Our church put on a trunk and treat in the parking lot. That's where members decorate the trunk of their car's and pass out candy to everyone who comes by. Same concept as trick or treating but a lot less walking. It was best for us seeing it was almost freezing Halloween. They dressed up as a Titan football player and cheerleader. They were too cute. I don't have pics downloaded yet, but I will.

Abby is now walking. It's too cute because she is still really wobbly. We are still working with a therapist on her motor skills. Nate is talking up a storm now and it's wonderful. They are growing up so fast. Abby is also showing a speech delay, she will be attending the Child Development Center starting February.

I'm excited with the holidays coming up. I've got almost all of the family taken care of as far as gifts, I just need to buy for Nate and Abby. I have a list of what I want to get them, this way I can buy for them a little at a time. We've bought their big gift from Santa, now it's just getting the odd and end pieces.

That's the gist of what's been happening around here. Not too much outside of school and work, just spending time with my family... watching the babies grow up.

My Love Will Fly to You Each Night on Angel's Wings

Here's an update on what's going on here lately. I started back to Beauty School after quitting 8 years ago. I'm not going for cosmetology however, I'm going for nail technology. That's right, I want to be a little asian girl sitting behind a manicure table asking, "wha cuhla?". Seriously, I enjoyed the nail aspect of cosmetology when I studied before, and Tim was supportive and told me that I should do it. So I'm doing it. I am the only nail tech student there and I get forgotten at times, but that's ok. I think I can learn everything I need to know on bing, google, and you tube. I like the girls that I go to school with, they are a lot of fun.. Full of drama of course, but fun. I go from 8:00am - 4:30pm Tuesday thru Friday. I'm off on wednesdays and thursdays so that makes tuesdays and fridays hard for sleep, but we are working thru it. If I go like I'm supposed to, I should be done in 6 months. I probably had enough on my plate without going back to school with a home, full time job, and 2 kids, but I wanted something else to keep my mind preoccupied. I don't want to forget, I love Baby Boo and he will always be in my heart, but I need to get past the anger. I look at women that are pregnant and I instantly want to leave their presence. I used to not be that way. I used to love to talk to preggie women about their morning sickness (which is still an understatment), their growing bellies, the hemeroids, the constant urination, the kicks and punches, everything... and now, I don't even want to say "congratulations". I want to get past that. I want to heal that part of myself and what better than going somewhere where the majority of people there are women. I walked in on my first day and there are 4 women pregnant and 2 that are trying.

It was bad at first. I didnt really talk to anyone, I didnt ask any questions, I just... sat there. Wednesday was better. I asked them how far along they were and they told me... and that was it as far as small talk. Thursday an improvement. I asked them how they were feeling and what kind of symptoms did they have. And today I actually talked. I talked about Nate and Abby and my pregnancy with them and we compared. I didnt talk about Baby Boo. I didn't mention anything about having a third child. And now, I have so much guilt that I feel like it's going to swallow me whole. I don't think it's anyone's business, but I want to be there and tell them how I'm feeling too. I want to be part of the preggo club. And I'm supposed to be. I'm supposed to be 20 weeks pregnant this coming tuesday. We would be finding out if it was a girl or a boy. Which I was so sure when I was pregnant that it was a boy, it would just confirm that I was right. And now? now? I keep it quiet as if it never happened. I suppose I could tell them about it, but I don't want anyone to judge me or feel sorry for me.

I saw a 4 day old baby today at the school. I'm not sure why his mama had him out, but she did and I saw him and I started missing my Baby Boo. Somedays I'm scared that I'm forgetting and somedays I can't forget for a second. I have a friend who reminded me of the song Godspeed by Dixie Chicks. It's a song that is close to her heart and now it's one that's close to mine.

Godspeed, little man

Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Sweet dreams

I miss you Baby Boo.

It's Been Awhile

When I sit down in front of my computer to blog, I have one thing on my mind. My guilt. Blogging has become a sort of therapy for me, as it has to so many others. But like others, my emotions linger after I've blogged. I might be crying, or mad, or I might even be happy. But of course, here lately, I'm probably crying.

I have been lied to by a very important person in my life in regards to my decision. They said a lot of hurtful things behind my back and since when I blog, they are usually around, I decided to not blog so that I'm not asked what is wrong and have to lie.

I'm doing better. Guilt still weighs heavy on my shoulders, I was at church last sunday and the preacher was preaching about heaven and made the statement that if you've lost a baby, miscarriage, abortion, or whatever had happened, that as long as you were saved, you were going to go to heaven and you would see your baby again. I instantly have tears fill my eyes everytime I see him saying it. I know he's right and I am saved, which is partly why I cry. The other part is b/c I still want my baby here with me. I still feel incomplete. Nate and Abby are the best accomplishments I have, why wouldn't I want more?

And to know that someone who is as close to me as this person is, feels like I made a stupid decision getting pregnant for a 3rd time, but doesn't say anything to me about it. In fact tells me that I did the right thing... it makes me feel like I shouldn't talk about my feelings or in this case, blog about them. I feel like I should keep this to myself, because if they feel this way and talk about me this way, then the whole world is against me and I need to protect myself.

What I Want

I haven't blogged much because I feel like I'll be saying things over and over again. At least I think about the same things over and over again. You know how they say the definition of insanity is to watch the same thing over and over again expecting a different result? I wonder if that remains true when you think about the same thing over and over again. I think and dream about the same thing, but the ending of my dream is always different. Different in my dreams, but it always ends the same in my life. I go back to August 11 a lot and just think about the day. I think about the 3 month before. I want to change so much. I want to take a pencil eraser to it and rewrite what was supposed to happen. I want to be at Rachael's baby shower on July 18th, rather than the hospital. I want to be at work all those nights that I missed. I want to have my arms around my babies neck rather than having IVs and a PICC line hooked up to them. I want to be out to eat with my precious family rather than in the bathroom regretting that I ate at all. I want so much for the days I was pregnant to be different, but I want to still be pregnant. I hate my body. My body has failed me in so many ways. Since I was 12, I've been sick. I've been sick for more than half of my life, but this takes the cake. My body has forced me to make a decision that no one should ever to make. It has forced me to feel more guilt than one person should ever have to feel. And I have to live with this same body for all my life. How?

Healing and Horseshows

God blesses me every minute of every hour of everyday. Andrew never leaves my mind and I can't imagine that he ever will. But I know I have begun the healing process... emotionally anyway. Nate and Abby have helped a lot. I can't imagine missing out on their lives. They are constantly growing and learning and I love knowing that I am a part of that. Nate has started saying 'excuse me' when appropriate. That started this week and it's because I've encouraged him to say it after he makes rude noises. He likes to laugh when he makes those rude noises... all children do. But then he'll take a second and say 'cue mee' and it is soooo cute. Then Abby has been teething the past couple of weeks and she only wants to cuddle up to mama. No one else will do, not even daddy. And although it can get annoying at times (like when I'm trying to do laundry or cook lunch) I love it. They are the sweetest and I wouldn't miss these moments for the world.

My body, however, is still trying to recover. Despite being on antibiotics for a week after the procedure, I have a kidney infection and possible kidney stone. I went to the doctor on thursday and he gave me 2 antibiotics to clear it up. On saturday, I got sick to the point of dehydration and we went to the ER. They gave me demerol and phenagrin which worked great. The ER doc told me no working until I saw doc on monday. So I went to the doc today and he said there was a lot of blood in my urine and wanted a CT scan to see if there was a kidney stone or something more serious (I will let you know what the other possibility is when I find out if that's it or not). I go back on thursday for a diagnosis or more tests. Doc says no working. He doesn't want me to work because he wants all of my energy to go to getting rid of the infection. Til then, we are playing the waiting game.

I'm going to take Nate and Abby to The Celebration tomorrow. The Celebration is a week long horse show hosted in my town. Trainers and Walking horses from all around come and compete against each other. It's an old sport that I've been involved in since I was little. My family owns one of the most well known horse tack shops around, my dad manages it and my brother also works there. I would give trophies away when I was little. I would feel like Vanna White, wearing a beautiful gown with my hair and make-up done, showing the contestant what he or she had won. The only thing I didn't like about it was how hot it was in the center ring. Ohhhh, the memories.

Tomorrow we will go visit my dad. He has a trailer set up to sell tack to trainers who might need a few last minute things. The main store is about 15 minutes from the show grounds and having the trailer makes it convienant to the trainers and good for business. We will also be able to see the horses practicing for the show which is great, Nate will be able to watch the horses at the fence rather than in the stands and there isn't any charge, that's the best part.

Oh, and boy you are missing out if you've never had a horseshow donut. They are better than Dunkin Donuts and Krispy Kreme, but are only available during this week. You can ask anyone in town and I guarantee they'll say that's the only reason why they went to the horseshow.

What Was That?

Something happened today that I have never experienced before... I was in church, listening to the preacher, and I heard a baby cry. And then I heard voices around me. I heard someone say, "I never thought I would be one to do something like this", I hear, "I'm just so sick. I'm single and I can't take care of my daughter. I have to do it." They were the voices of the women I was around while waiting to be called back for my "procedure". I was listening to them justify their reasons for going thru with their "procedure". I fast forwarded to the room where the "procedure" was preformed. I heard the static booming out of the broken radio in my room as the nurse tried to find a working station. I heard the dr. talking. I heard the horrible sound of suction. I felt my insides crunch up and I felt sick. Then... I was nudged and I was back in church. The preacher still preaching. There weren't any other sounds except his voice. I felt my face and I was hot and tears were rolling down my face. I felt silly. I was embarrassed, but luckily, no one noticed.

I went back. I relived the day that I don't want to ever live again. I felt everything as if it just happened. I calmed down, wiped my eyes and focused on the preacher. When church was over, I walked with a quickness to get my children out of the nursery.

It feels like it was a bad dream somedays. Like it didn't happen. That's what it felt like on friday. Friday I had a post-op appointment with my ob. I was o.k. until I hit West-End. The road that leads to my dr.s office as well as to the clinic. And flashbacks of the drive there started flooding in my mind and I began to cry. I pulled into to the parking lot and was in denial. "That was just a dream. It never happened. Why would I be at my ob if it had? He is going to tell me everything is fine and schedule me for an ultrasound in 2 weeks." I walked in and rather than sitting in the waiting room, I was taken back and waited in a room for 45 minutes. He examined me and then he said the worst thing I've ever heard, "everything is back to normal. I will see you for your annual in a year." Normal?! NORMAL?? I'm not normal, normal is me being pregnant right now. So am I pregnant?, he told me no, and asked if I was o.k., I explained to him how I wanted it to be a dream. He understood, or so he says, and reiterated what had already been explained by him and my perinatologists. "Traci, you were not well. And if you weren't well, your baby wouldn't of been well. We couldn't guarantee that the baby would have lived for the duration of the pregnancy and you increased your chances of dying the longer you stayed pregnant. You made the best decision for you and your family. You've got to trust that."

I was asked if I regretted having the "procedure" done. Simple answer? No. I regret getting pregnant in the first place. I regret not taking more precautions than we did to prevent pregnancy. I regret not doing everything that we could've to prevent pregnancy. I have 98 days of regrets. Not just 1 day.

I have accepted that I will never be complete again.

You are My Sunshine, My Only Sunshine...

It seems unfair that time keeps on going and going while I want it to stand still. It's unfair that with each passing day, the physical pain keeps getting better and better and I know it's at the expense of my baby. I feel like I should be in constant physical pain so that I never forget what I had to do in order to feel as good as I do, but I guess if I really wanted to stay in pain I would've stayed pregnant... That was the worse pain I ever felt, all I wanted to do was die when I was constantly throwing up. I remember there was one day in the hospital where my nurse had called in my medicine and they were bringing it up from the pharmacy.. Well, there was a mix up somewhere and it took 3 hours to get my medicine... I never stopped throwing up in those 3 hours. There was nothing for me to throw up, yet my body kept making things to upchuck. It hurt so much, I begged my nurse to go down to the pharmacy and pick it up. She ended up giving me oral medication since they had it on the floor already instead of IV. I agreed to it, she didnt force me to take it, but I needed relief even if I was going to throw up the water I drank to get it down. It worked and I knocked out for 4 hours.

I feel like I should go through that agony at least once a day as a reminder of what I did and why I did it. I feel like a horrible person for having to do what I did just to feel better. Everyone tells me that I did what I had to do, that I wasn't selfish because I did it for my babies, but I can't help but feel guilty. Do I miss being sick? NO WAY!! Do I miss my baby? ABSOLUTELY!! I keep asking God to give me a sign that I did the right thing. That he give me comfort and he does at times, and other times I wonder how I'm gonna get through the next minute and then I remember Nate and Abby and they are how I get through every second of the day. Yet when it's just me, when I'm the only one awake, I feel sad. I feel guilty. And all I want is my baby back. I'm a nurturer, it's my nature to always want to take care of something, and I can't take care of this... I couldn't take care of my baby, I can't take care of the emotional pain, I can't control the crying, I feel like a wreck.

There are people I work with who are pregnant and are expecting grandbabies, I don't want to talk to them. I don't want to know how they are doing. I don't want hear them complain about their symptoms.. All I want to say to them is I would've traded my symptoms for theirs and wouldn't complain. And this not me at all. I feel bad for feeling this way. I really want to celebrate with them. And listen to them and maybe offer some comforting words, but I can't. I can't say anything. I just 'mute' them and don't say anything. Maybe a 'bless your heart' every now and then, but I don't mean it.

This is the worst feeling ever and I don't know what to do with it. I've never felt it. I've been through some tough things, but this by far is the hardest. I've always been able to work through whatever it was I was going through, but I can't get past this. I pray so hard that I feel like I'm going to explode. The other day I had a dr.s appointment, not with my ob, just a regular appointment with the dr. and my nightmare came true. There was about 8 women in the waiting room, no men, and they were all pregnant. This was the day after my termination, and I couldn't believe what I had just walked into. I needed my blood pressure checked so I had to stay, but they wouldn't take me on back. I had to stay in the waiting room for about 20 minutes with these women. I know it was Satan being mean to me, but it didn't make me feel any better.

I just feel lost. I feel bitter. I feel a whole bunch of negative feelings. I'm an optimistic person. I always view the glass as half full, but right now, it's empty. I really need prayer to move beyond this and heal, I don't feel like I'll ever heal. I don't feel like I'll ever see the sunshine again.

See You in My Dreams

Every night since August 11th, I have dreamed about Andrew. Yes, he has a name. No, I don't know for sure if he was a boy.. It's a feeling I have. There isn't a bone in my body that felt that the baby was a girl. I had the same feeling when I was pregnant with Nate and with Abby. Nothing about me felt like I was carrying a girl with Nate and nothing about me felt like I was having a boy with Abby. And we had names picked out within the first week of finding out I was pregnant with both and the same stands true for Andrew. His full name is Andrew Ryan McKee. Andrew is my brother's name (we call him Andy) and Ryan is Tim's middle name.

I remember reading a blog a few months ago, he was writing to his daughter about how he was told he would dream about her but that he had yet to do so since she passed. He was longing to dream about her and wanted to so much then. I, of course, at that time didn't know what he was talking about. But now I do. I have dreamed about Andrew since August 11. They are so real that when I wake up I'm looking around for him and then a second later, it hits me that I was dreaming. I woke up yesterday morning looking at the place where I had dreamed his crib was and it wasn't there. I started to panic and hit me like a 2x4 in the face 'I was only dreaming'. Last night I had another dream. Nate was behind me, Abby was pulling herself up so that she was eye level to Andrew, and I was holding him. I don't ever see his face, I just feel his presence. I know he's with me and I feel that this dream was him telling me that he's watching over all of us.

I wonder how you miss someone so much that you never met. I never held him. I never smelled him. As a matter of fact I only have 1 ultrasound picture of him, but I miss him like crazy. I don't feel complete. I'm better during the day, I guess because I'm preoccupied during the day. But at night is when I miss Andrew the most. I wonder how I'm going to get through the next minute... The next hour... the next day. I'll find a way I know. Right now, it's time for me to go to bed and have the sweetest dreams I'll ever have. I'll be seeing you sweetie... In my dreams.

Sometimes Songs Say It Best

In Less Than 12 Hours...

I will no longer be pregnant. I will no longer be anticipating the arrival of my 3rd born. My doctors have found it medically necessary to end my pregnancy due to my failing health. My baby is still growing and thriving, but I however, am not doing so well. And in many words, my doctors have expressed extreme concern for my well being and life if I were to procede with the pregnancy and have decided it is best to stop the progression so that I can stay healthy enough to take care of Nate and Abby.

Here is the gist of what's happening. My body doesn't handle pregnancy hormones very well. I vomit so much and am so nausceas that I become dehydrated and my blood pressure shoots up into stroke worthy numbers. I am on the max # of medications to keep the nauscea under control that they can't prescribe me blood pressure medicine and those medications don't work half the time. There is nothing more the doctors can give me to stop any of this. So they have deemed it necessary to stop the pregnancy.

I feel lost. I don't know which would be worse... To miscarry and lose the baby unexpectedly or what I'm going thru now. To schedule the loss of my baby and know when it was going to happen. Sometimes I'm ok and sometimes I'm not.. I have found comfort thinking of who is going to meet my baby in heaven when he goes. Which blessed family member is going to hold him first? Will it be my Grandmama who looked after me until I was old enough to look after her? Will it be my Uncle who loved Nate and Abby as if they were his own grandkids? Will it be someone on Tim's side of the family? No, it will be my heavenly father. It will be my God who is holding me right now in my time of pain. My child will not know earthly pain and will hopefully open the gates of heaven when I get there. And although I know this and do find comfort in the thought, I hurt. I want to be the first to hold my baby. I want to be the one to kiss his booboos. I want to open the gates of heaven for him. It is not right for a child to die before their parents and my heart always hurts for parents who have lost their children regardless of in the womb or at any given age. But I never thought I'd be the one to experience this loss. You always think 'it'll never happen to me' and then it punches you in the stomach and the only thing you can do is work thru it.

How the Pregnancy is Going.

It's not going well. I'm back in the hospital for the same stuff. The nauscea and vomitting. Tim and I are extremely concerned about the health of this baby as well as my health. Dr. Smallwood asked us what we thought the best treatment would be... Tim and I looked at each other. I couldn't say anything. Is there any treatment? We headed to my room and Tim had to leave. He needed to get Nate and Abby from our friend's house. Amanda and Micah. They are the best. I don't know what I'd do without them. I threw up the remainder of the night until about 4am. I finalled passed out when they gave me phenagrin. I had a ton of blood taken and of course it came back normal. I feel like one of the medical mysteries you watch on Discovery Health, but yet I feel I need to die in order for them to find out why this happens.

Dr. Smallwood did come in later and wanted to procede with the coversation we had last night. I broke down. I feel like this baby is going to kill me and I have 2 other babies at home who need me. He reassured me that he would take care of me. That nothing was going to happen to me... Doc that's a big promise, you sure you can commit? I also told him that I didn't have the heart, I couldn't tell him to take the baby. It's my baby. This baby relies on me to take care of him and protect him of all harm. Especially right now. He shook his head and said that I would have about a week to make up my mind. My mind is made up. As much as I hate being away from Nate and Abby. As much as my entire body aches, I can't.

I asked him about Home Health. Having the IV fluids continuing at home. He's looking into it with my insurance. I will then get the same treatment at home as I would in the hospital. We done it before and it's extremely constricting, but at least I would have some type of normalcy back into my life.

I need a ton of prayers. Me and Baby Boo both do.

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I'm Gonna Blame the Hormones...

I'm struggling with how to start this post... Ok. My uncle died and I went to visitation at the funeral home tonight.. But that's not what I want to blog about, but it so happens it was at the funeral home is where what I need to vent about took place.

It seriously amazes me how many people show up at a funeral home when someone passes. . What bothers me though is that those people were more focused on the latest gossip rather than the life we were supposed to be remembering. And what bothers me even more than that is that the latest gossip was apparently me and my unborn child. I have my good days and my bad days. One day I'll be excited about being pregnant and bringing a new baby into the family. And then the next day (especially here recently with my hospitalizations) I'm sad and depressed, wondering how I'm going to manage with 3 babies. I mean I have 2 arms for 2 babies, where am I going to put the 3rd one? It scares me and it's not something I'm ready to talk about with strangers that happen to be family.

I wasn't going to announce it at the funeral home, I wasn't going to mention it, I was going to act like I wasn't developing brains and lungs at this current time... But I couldn't get around it.. As soon as I walked into the funeral home, familiar faces turned around and looked right at the belly. Not at the 2 year old hiding behind his Mom's legs throwing a tantrum. Not the 1 year old who was squirming to get down and crawl, but at my belly. I had a few people whisper in my ear, "so is it true what we hear?" my response... "I don't know. What'd you hear?" and then a Yes from my mouth once they said in a low voice as if it were dirty, "you know? Are you pregnant?". I actually had one family member ask and once confirmed said, "Well, I figured I had to ask since you obviously weren't telling anyone." I glared at her for a moment while filtering my words. I wanted to say, 'it's obvious I wasn't telling anyone huh? maybe because I'm not telling anyone!' But I didn't. I smiled and said "yeah, I like to make people wonder since I still have my figure." She walked away. And I then took my screaming, tantrum throwing 2 year old and my squirmy, and obviously hungry 1 year old home.

Seriously. I've known a month now that I was pregnant and I'm still shocked some days. I think I should be allowed as much time as I need to marinade in this news before I'm given the 3rd degree. Maybe I should just hand out business cards with the url to this blog when someone asks, that way they know and don't have to ask.. but then I'd probably stop blogging and it's a good outlet for me.

I'm Baaaack...

In the hospital of couse. They released me on Wednesday and on Thursday, it started again and the doc said to come on in. And so we did. I cried the entire time. I've got Nate and Abby at home who need their Mommy and yes Baby Boo needs his mommy too, but at this point in time we are inseperable. The naucea and vommitting are also painful. Everything hurts, my lungs, my ribs, my abdomen. Everything. The doc started me on a new medication called Ativan. It's helping, but I googled it (I shouldn't have done that) and read some unsettling things. My doc said he wasn't going to give me anything that would hurt the baby. I guess we will wait and find out.

I had an endoscopy yesterday. It came out normal, of course they saw some tearing, but that was it. All the blood work they had ran came out normal. Of course it would. Doc just thinks that my body isn't handling the hormones well therefore causing me to get sick and the Atavin is actually a medication that is used for anxiety. Ok. It works. I'm ok with that. It's supposed to make me sleepy, but it doesn't.. I keeps me from feeling nauceas, and I'm great with that. Well, those are all of the updates I have so far. Keep praying for my babies and that they are being very well taken care of. I worry about them.

Any, Many, Miney, Moe...

So here's an update. I'm not doing so good. Friday night I worked and although I felt nauceaus I was sure I was gonna make it. Saturday Marlee took Abby with her to do girly things. And Tim took Nate to Amanda and Micah's to play video games and to play with Luke, their 2 year old boy. I went to sleep about 7am and didn't wake up until 9:45pm to work and everytime I moved I threw up. I got off the phones and Tim called my supervisor and my doctor. Dr. S was out, Dr. G was on call. And instructed us to go to the local hospital and have them administer IV fluids until I stabilized. After 3 hours there, I didn't stabilize. Dr. G then said that he would meet at us at Centennial. He denied the ambulance, he said that I could ride by car. Yeah, silly doctor, I threw up the entire time in the car, and Tim was extremely tired. It was 2am and he was driving 2 hours from home. We got to Centennial just to find out that my Endocrinologist doesn't have rights there. So after an hour there we ended up at Baptist.

I'm ok with Baptist. But I don't want to deliver here. I want my tubes tied and they won't do that here. I also found out that the insurance carried by the employees of any St. Thomas Health Care facility doesn't cover birth control. Seems to me that they are pushing their religious practices onto their employees and patients.. That's got to be illegal somewhere. So we are waiting for me to keep fluids and solids down and for my sugar to regulate. So however long that takes. I'm so glad for all the support we have for the babies. I know my sister in law is taking them one day. Marlee has them a couple of days. And my Dad is getting Nate back and forth to Vacation Bible School, which I hate I'm missing. I miss my babies.

I did see Baby Boo's heartbeat yesterday. It looked like a butterfly fluttering. I know it's a boy. There isn't anything in my body saying it's a girl. It's a boy and his name will be Andrew Ryan.. My brother's and husband's middle name. We'll call him either Andrew or Drew. I haven't decided which one yet. Keep praying for my family. I'll keep you posted.

I'm Back.. and Officially Due February 19th.

Sorry, it's been a little while since I posted anything. But unfortunately things aren't as uneventful as I had hoped. I developed a kidney infection since my last blog and have been to the hospital twice for IV fluids. I'm so dehydrated, but I can't keep anything down either and it hurts. It hurts to move my pinky finger. Poor Tim has been trying to take care of me and 2 kids while training for his job, laundry, and cleaning. It's been hard on him, but I'm proud. My friend Marlee has been helping out A LOT too. Taking the babies when she can to her house or even watching them here. It's a huge help and there isn't anything I could do to show her how much I appreciate it.

So back to pregnancy. I have a kidney infection and I'm also experiencing the 'morning sickness'. I really hate that name... It's the understatment of the century. I really like my doctor tho. He called in a prescription for Phenagrin and when I saw him on Wednesday, he gave me a prescription for Zofran. Just in case. I was crying and didn't feel good, he even commented that I had probably seen better days. Again, another understatement. He said that he was willing to do whatever I needed to see this thru. I'm going to see him every 2 weeks right now. I already knew that, Dr. B did the same thing with Abby. He said he was going to look thru my chart and find things that worked and didn't work and see if he can pinpoint the pattern. I looked at the chart, it's literally 3 inches thick. Good Luck with that Doc. He wants to put me on a reduced work schedule. Only by 2 hours a day, but at my discretion. He says that I know my limits and that he'll give me the accomodation, but it won't be mandatory. I appreciate that. I feel more in control than I have with the last 2. He actually stated that I was off to a healthy and wonderful pregnancy. He's definitely of male descent.

We are having the baby at Centennial this time. Getting these Fertile Myrtle makers tied. I'm ok with that. Just as long as they don't come in while I'm on the operating table and say they can't because of some stupid hospital restriction. I'll make them stop and transfer me. I didn't last time, but I should've. I wanted to stop them in the middle of surgery anyway. But that's another story.

He gave me a due date of February 19th. I don't want to schedule a c-section. I don't want anything related to the birth of the baby to be scheduled... I feel like my babies are showing me up. I plan on them coming one day and they decided to come in a different month all together. But if this one is like Nate and Abby we should expect a Christmas baby. Hopefully we will have a Valentine's baby. I don't want to go down another NICU roller coaster. It's sooo hard. And 2 babies at home? I'll fall apart.

There is one discovery I have found that is the best thing since sliced bread... Sea Bands. They help with the naucea. Now I still am nauceas, but not as nauceas as I was before I put these 2 slices of heaven on my wrists. They immediately started working and on Thursday, I was o.k. And I've thrown up today, but not any of the liquids.

This next week I have an appointment with Dr. Endo. We will see what he has to say and change. Pray that this week is better than the last.

Seriously! Be Happy!

I'm now in my 6th week of pregnancy if my calculations are right. And so far so good. I am extremely moody (get over it) and I'm getting frequent headaches. But nothing else. Let's hope it stays that way. Tim and I have only told a handful of people besides the people who know on the blog (and if I know you on a personal level, please keep hush hush about my secret).

The reactions of the people we have told face to face have driven me to not tell anyone else, but have people ask if I'm pregnant and answer instead. It seems like the only people who are being supportive are my online/blog friends. And maybe it's because I don't see your faces to see your intial reaction to the news, but I don't appreciate the reactions of the ones that I trusted to be happy for us and have actually reacted poorly. A baby is a blessing. I don't care who you are. And yes there is danger and concern involved, especially since I've had 2 preemies, but that's going to be true in any pregnancy. But do you look at a healthy 25 year old who tells you that they are pregnant and gasp? I never have. But people seem to look at me, a 26 year old with less than perfect health who has given birth to 2 premature babies and I see mouth's drop, I hear disbelief in their voices, and it's only after I say I'm going to do the best I can to make sure my child is healthy (after they ask what I'm gonna do) that I get a Congratulations. My mother in law actually looked at my husband (me beside her) and asked, 'do you think that's a good idea?'. Screw if it's a good idea or not! Too late to think about what kind of idea it's going to be, it's done! My eggo is preggo! But don't worry, I will be getting my tubes tied once Baby Boo is born. Maybe then I'll get a 'Congratulations'.

Everyone has said, you gotta take care of yourself now, how am I not taking care of myself? Do I not follow my dr.'s orders? Do I not do something that I should? My doctor will vouch that I'm doing everything I can to be healthy... pregnant or not. Hell, I'm even taking that stinkin prenatal vitamin that makes me want to puke. There is nothing more or less I can do. I go to my appointments every 3 months, I take all of his suggestions to heart, and I do everything he says to do. Now did he want me to get pregnant, probably not. Especially since he would ask if I was sterile yet at my previous visits. But he will see me through this has he has with Nate and Abby.

I understand everyone's concern and I appreciate it, but let me be concerned. You be happy, I'll be concerned. What's it gonna help if you worry? Nothing, you've only pissed me off with your good intentions. What's it gonna help if your happy? Everything. I feed off what other people think and so far I can't get happy about being pregnant, because no one else is. At least no one that I see on a regular basis.

Don't get me wrong. I'm happy. I'm ecstatic. I wanted another baby, maybe not so soon after Abby, but I'll take what I can get. I'm full of joy I just wish others would share my joy with me.

Good News

I'm Pregnant with Baby #3! I'm not announcing it officially yet, but I figured I could blog about it. We found out on Sunday when I took a test to rule it out (remember last month when I thought I was, but wasn't). I was shocked at first. Then I was scared, then terrified. But after having 2 days to digest it, I'm happy. It's been uneventful so far. which kinda of makes me think that I might not be.. but when 3 tests show "PREGNANT" you tend to think you are. The last 2 times I was already experiencing morning sickness. I hate that term, morning sickness, it's not even close to the truth. It should be called All Day Everyday Until The Baby is Born, Gut Wrenching, Blood Curdling, Hair Pulling Upchuck Disease. But that's my opinion. But again, none of that right now. I'm extremely tired, that's all I feel. I'm only 5 weeks so I have plenty of time to develop those more severe symptoms, but I'm enjoying the uneventfulness right now.

I couldn't even tell Tim, I just showed him the test. His eyes got big and he got a big smile on his face. I started crying.. I told him that this wasn't happy. My baby is still a baby. I mean truly. When baby boo is born, they will probably be in the same size clothes. That is if I carry full term. That's another thing that scares me. I'm 0 for 2 right now when it comes to carrying a baby to term. Nate was born early b/c of preaclampsia. We were prepared for preaclampsia with Abby, but she came for reasons still unknown. I guess 3rd times a charm, right? There was a lot going on when I was pregnant with Abby. Tim lost his job right after we found out I was pregnant. Then my car was repoed and our house was foreclosed on. We were victims of the economic crisis. We are now in a better place. We both work from home and it's a stable job with great pay and benefits. We have the house that we've always wanted. We have 2 vehicles which we are going to trade in for 1 van. Since we work for the same employer, we don't see the need to have 2 vehicles anymore.

We are in a much better place now than we were. We will take it day to day and embrace whatever happens.

Abby's Birthday...

is today. I can't believe she is 1 year old. All week I have played the events that happened a year ago back in my head. Meeting with the perinatologist. My endoscopy. Ultrasounds and monitoring every day. Pic line in my arm. Steroid Cocktail. You get the picture. In my mind it happened a lot faster than a week, but that might be because I slept occassionally those days. And now, it's finally the day. The day she was born. The day I became so sick and the doctor said he felt confident in our survival. I am so very glad she is here, but I still wish I could've cooked her a little longer. I wish she would've come out healthier. I am very blessed that she came out as healthy as she did, but I still think about if she had been born closer to August rather than June.

Shoulda, coulda, woulda.. I suppose.

We had a plan all worked out. I hadn't but was going to schedule my c-section for August 18th. That was Tim's sister's (Susan) anniversary and she had lost her husband the year before. We thought that would make August 18th happy for her again. I had already bought the dress I was bringing Abby home in. I was knitting her baby blanket. I was so excited about having my little girl. I was making plans and enjoying my pregnancy. And then I got sick. I remember thinking that it was happening again. I remember worrying about Nate and what he was going to do without Mommy. I worried about our bills. Tim was laid off, I was the only one bringing in a paycheck. I couldn't get sick again. It couldn't happen. But it dead and although it didn't last as long as it did with Nate, it hit me stronger than with Nate and nothing was stopping it. I remember the technicians looking at the ultrasound and saying, she weighs 1lb. 14 oz. we gotta try to keep her in one more day. I knew they were right, but I was dying. I felt it. Little by little I felt myself leaving the world. Each day was easier and harder at the same time. Easier to let go and harder to stay. Until the cocktail that made all my problems go away, yet could start new problems. I went home on TPN and a pic line. I was to have a nurse come to my house each day for blood work and to maintain my pic line. I never used that nurse. I came home for 2 days just to go back and hear that they've tried everything in the aresanol and they needed us to make a decision.

And out came a beautiful 2lb 10.25oz, 15 in. baby girl named Abigail Faith. She was the smallest most cutest baby ever and I loved her from the get go, although I tried to keep myself from getting too attached. I am completely attached now. I hold her tight and spoil her rotten. She's the sweetest thing ever and I love her very much. Happy Birthday Shortcake

Abigail Faith

I was looking thru pictures the other day after Abby's EI therapist finger painted Abby's foot and I realized how big it had gotten. When Abby was first born, a NICU nurse had finger painted her hands and feet. I looked through my pictures in order to find the finger paintings and compare. I found it and I can't believe the difference. I started looking through all of my pictures and found a few that shows how small she was. I am still filled with emotions when I think about that day and the 6 weeks that followed. I look at some pictures and feel happy. Happy that she made it and she was as healthy as she was. I feel scared. Scared that I was going to get a call saying that she had passed. I feel guilty. Guilty that I wasn't able to carry her full-term. I feel angry. Angry that I wasn't able to experience the joy of going into labor, of feeling my water break, of holding my babies when they were first born, of nursing, that my babies had to go through so much pain. I still get flooded with these emotions, but I realize how blessed I am to have had them come home at all. Right now is just one of those times that I feel cheated and flooded.

Sitting Outside...

It's about 7am and I just got off work. I'm not really tired so I folded up my netbook and decided to sit outside on my deck and blog. About what I don't know. There is so much I could say I suppose but I am completely left breathless by the beauty of the wilderness that I call my backyard that I am speechless. The babies and hubby are asleep and I hope they enjoy their rest as I enjoy mine. My puppies have joined me and are walking around the deck aimlessly taking in the morning smells. I'm not sure what they smell, but I smell dew mixed with the sweet and bitterness of last night's cold air although I feel a pleasant temperature. I can think of a million things I need to do inside like unload the dishwasher, start a load of clothes, sweep the floors, I could even fix my loving family breakfast. But I won't. I'm going to sit here and enjoy quiet.

Ettiquette

There is something that really bothers me.. I work in a call center type enviroment. I love my job, I love talking on the phone and assisting people with their needs. However, I am not in customer service, but I can perform SOME customer service functionalities (notice I said SOME. NOT all) so I still get those type of calls. And here are some rules I think everyone should abide by when calling customer service or calling a 1 800 # in general for assistance:

1. Be Polite. The person you are talking to is a person too and I'm sure they have been in a similar situation you find yourself in.

2. Don't call just because you don't like something. People who work in call centers have high service levels meaning there are lots of people who call in. And if you are calling in just because you don't like the color of something or you found the presentation lacking, you are taking time away from those customers who have legit issues that need to be worked out. Complain to your friends, tell your dog, even blog about it. But don't call in just to state your difference in opinion.

3. If your one of those calling in who waited what seemed like forever before you were able to talk to an actual person, I am sorry, but don't go on and on about how long you waited. What seems like a 1 or 2 minutes of complaining can turn out to be 8 or 10 minutes when your issue could've been resolved in 3. That's inconsiderate of the people, who like yourself, are waiting to speak to an actual person.

4. Answer the questions you are asked simply. If more information is needed we will ask you for it. Every answer doesn't need a story behind it.

It's Crazy Around Here

We went to the zoo on Saturday and had so much fun. Nate loved the animals and Abby just laid back and relaxed. It was awesome. We were all exhausted going home and Nate refused to go to sleep. He cried all the way home (lovely). I slept almost all day on sunday. That was nice and then on Monday night my sugar crashed and I had a seizure and went into a comatose state. The babies were in bed (thank goodness) and Tim was at work. So I was by myself and I'm not sure what all happened, but I know that I didn't feel good.

We did go to the park last thursday with my friend and had so much fun. It was good to see her, I haven't seen her probably close to 2 years. And we both have 2 kids that are about 16 months apart. She had her son first so we have a lot in common, more than we did before we were married and had kids.

Thursday we stayed home. Nate went to the CDC for the first time and had a great time. We are going to work on saying 'me' and patting our chest, as well as saying 'more' and signing for it. Right now he doesn't like it. He's very impatient and I think he thinks as we are showing him this, that we are wasting his time. But I'm sure he'll get it. He rode the bus there today and I cried as they drove away because of the fit he was throwing. It made me sad, but I know he was o.k.

Abby has started crawling, she is getting so big. She actually tried to stand by herself today. She just started crawling, literally, 2 days ago, and now wants to stand? She doesn't have any limits it doesn't look like. She is my fighter. She never gives up and I'm proud of her for that.

Let's Get This Ball Rollin'!

IE came today, Abby's therapist, so that I could sign all the intake forms for Abby. Abby starts her therapy next Wednesday. I am ecstatic about it. I know she needs it and I can't wait to see the progress I know she is going to make these next couple of months. She is trying to crawl, but it's not working out for her. IE noticed this and said that she already has a couple of ideas on how to help her. YAY! IE will be coming to our home once a week for 30 minutes for Abby and she'll get reassessed in 1 year. I'm ok with that. I sure hope their isn't anymore paper work to fill out, gees, there's a lot.

IE brought CD (teacher from the Child Development Center aka CDC) with her so that I could sign the intake paperword for Nate as well. I tell you, it's as bad as buying a house. CD said that Nate could start coming to the CDC thursday. Thursday? Really? Wow, that was quick considering how long it took to get to this point. He's going to ride the bus there starting next week :( My baby is a big boy. It makes me sad to think about. I've been staying home with them for 10 months now. I've seen him grow and learn. I play with him outside and we put the dogs out together. We clean together. And now there is going to be 2 days a week, 2.5 hours a day, that he won't be with me :( Makes me wanna cry. On the bright side, he'll be with kids his own age with developmental problems and one of his teachers is a speech pathologist (WC). WC called me today and said that she will work with him when she could at the CDC, but she will actually be able to take him on a regular basis at the end of July. So he'll get one on one speech therapy. Thank Goodness. I'm ready to get this potty training thing going. I have done a little potty training with him, but because of his lack of communication skills he doesn't get the entire concept.

Tomorrow is a busy day. I'm taking Nate and Abby to the park for a playdate. I love going on field trips with them, especially here recently. I feel like I have more energy here recently and I'm getting cabin fever. There are actually quite a few things I have to do tomorrow. I gotta take Reese (pomeranian) to get his summer shave. Playdate. Nate needs a haircut something fierce. He looks like a ragamuffin. And then I was supposed to have a dr.'s appointment on thursday, but since it's Nate's first day at "school", I'm going to reschedule. So thursday would be another good day for the park, discovery center, or hmmm, the zoo sounds fun.

Rambling...

It's is officially the Month of June. I can't believe it. June. In 21 days my baby will be 1. I'm still trying to process that she will be 1. I find myself watching her and thinking she is only 5 months old, she's not 1. Despite the way she acts and looks, it just doesn't feel like it's been that long ago that we were in the hospital watching fetal monitors, puking in buckets, getting poked and prodded on an hourly basis, and waking up every hour for stats (this includes 12am-8am, you'd think they'd cut you a break, but no). It will be one year on June 6th that I was first admitted to the hospital. That is surreal to me. I know it might seem crazy, but I like to remember days and compare to what I did last year to what I did on those days this year.

I've been taking the kids to the park a lot here lately. We went 3 times this week. Nate loves the slide. He does what I call the 'superman' down it and thinks it's the funniest thing in the world. When he gets tired he heads to the swings. I did the same thing when I was young. I still have yet to take them to the strawberry farm to pick strawberries, but I do think I will wait til next year when Abby can walk. Tim works a crazy schedule right now and I will have to take them by myself, and that's hard with a 2 and 1 yr old. But we will definitely go during the fall to the corn maze and to pick pumpkins. That's fun too and Tim will be at new job working stable hours.

2010 Rutherford County Family Ambassador for March of Dimes

That's right.... We have been given the honor to be the Rutherford County Family Ambassador for March of Dimes. How awesome is that? I feel humbled to be given the privledge. I never once thought that any good would come out of having premature babies, but it has. We are now going to be able to share our story and raise awareness for the March of Dimes. I don't wish for anyone, especially mother's and moms to be, to go through what my family has. The NICU roller coaster is not a ride anyone should take. The guessing game shouldn't be played. And I want to prevent that. I want to raise awareness (and money) to prevent premature births. To prevent childhood diseases. To prevent SIDS. No one should have to bury their child or wonder if they are. No mother should have their rights to motherhood taken away.

I wasn't able to hold Nate or Abby within those critical 3 minutes. The minutes where a mother and child first bond. I remember being in my room (usually waiting on a wheel-chair to take me to the NICU) and hearing a baby crying and immediately wheeled to their mother's room. Those moments would make me bitter. My baby couldn't be carted to me. I wasn't able to pick my baby up and comfort them when they cried, I would have to call a nurse to take care of them. I remember being told that I couldn't touch them because it would hurt them. I remember that I could only hold Abby for 20 minutes a day until she was 5 weeks old. I remember the car seat test before leaving the hospital. I remember the endless tubes and endless sound of monitors ringing. I remember the apnea spells. I remember the guilt of having to leave my babies in the hospital while I went home. I remember the nurse telling me that Abby was the smallest baby in the NICU and looking around seeing that most of the babies around her were 2 times her size. She was 2lbs.. most of the babies were 3 or more pounds.

No mother should have to experience that. No mother should expect a phone call saying that their baby had passed. I did. I went to bed every night wondering if tonight was the night where I would hear a doctor telling me that they did everything they could but that my baby didn't make it.

I don't want anyone else to experience that or experience anything worse. Please, if you come across my blog.. visit http://www.marchofdimes.com/ - become more educated. Even if you had a less of an eventful pregnancy and/or your baby was born full term, we need your help to have more women have those experiences. To have more babies brought to their mother's bedside. When Abby was born, the hospital was under construction for a bigger NICU unit. I want hospitals to be under construction for a bigger nursery. The NICU unit should be smaller than the nursery, not bigger.

We ALL, parents of healthy and unhealthy babies, mothers who have experienced eventful/uneventful pregnancies, premature/full-term births, need to fight against ANYthing that could harm ANY baby.

Memorial Day will not be Forgotten

I got a text message from my sister in law yesterday, let's call her JM. She text saying to pray for a family that became foster parents of 3 little boys a couple of years ago. Their 10 yr old got caught up in some twine in their barn and accidentally hung himself. I'm not sure of the specifics, but that is what she put in the text message.

This family are some of the sweetest most kind people I know. Ms. S visited me often when I was pregnant with Nate, sharing stories with me and comforting me (let me give you the short story of my pregnancy... I vomitted more than I care to remember which led to dehydration and long hospital stays, we almost died twice). She would always pray with me and would pray for me. She is truly a genuine person. And I remember how happy she was to have her boys. They needed a lot of love and she has more than she knows what to do with, it was a perfect match. They are starting the procedure to adopt these little fellows who I believe are 12, 10, and 6 (don't quote me on the ages). And for this tragic accident to happen is unreal.

I talked to my sister in law on the phone shortly after the text message, but she didn't have any specifics on what had happened. We live in TN and farm accidents, although fairly uncommon, do happen. A 3 yr old was killed not too long ago because he had opened the door to the moving vehicle he was in going from farm to farm so he wasn't in a carseat. People do that around here especially when they are going a mile down the road to a farm. I know it sounds irresponsible, but until the accident no one thought twice about it.

Please pray for this family and their loss, NO ONE should have to bury their child.

A Monkey Could Do Their Job Better...

Ms. Screen came today to give me the evaluations of Nate and Abby and I don't agree with them. Here's why:

1. They say Abby has a 25% delay in Adaptive. Adaptive is Self-Help. It seems they associate self-help with eating, holding a fork or spoon, or holding a sippy cup. O.K., she has just started holding her bottle and she can't use a fork or spoon nor does she eat solids... I'll say she may have a problem with that, but not for the reasons they gave me. She doesn't eat solids because I don't feed them to her. I don't feed them to her because she throws them up. How do I know? Because I try to give her pieces of a banana and cheerios once a week. I experiment to see what happens.. and she throws it up. So there's that.

2. They say she has a 25% delay in Communication. She cries. That's her communication. How else is she supposed to communicate? Ms. Screen couldn't answer that question. Is she supposed to say she is hungry? Or that she needs her diaper changed? All other 11 month old children that I know, cry. And she also cries when she needs something. I fail to see her communication barrier.

3. They say that she is fine in motor skills. Really? My 6 month old step-niece can crawl, Abby can't. My step-niece can also pick things up and move them. Abby pinches things and holds them. She doesn't move them. She doesn't drop them. And she isn't delayed in this area? I disagree.

4. They say Nate has 40% delay in Adaptive. They said he needs to learn to hold a cup, use a spoon or fork to feed himself, and ask for food/liquid with words/gestures. HE CAN HOLD A CUP! He holds his sippy. He held his sippy when she was here. He doesn't use a regular adult cup because I don't let him. I don't wanna clean a mess so he doesn't use an adult cup, but he could hold it... if I let him. He can use a spoon or fork, but like his mama, he rather use his fingers. I use my fingers when eating almost everything. So monkey see and monkey do. But when eating cereal he uses a spoon and feeds himself. And doesn't ASKING for food/liquid with words/gestures fall under COMMUNICATION?! You'd think, right?

5. He has a 25% delay in Communication. I agree with this. But it should be more if you ask me. That's his area of opprotunity. They said it wasn't higher because I have Nate and Abby on a schedule.. Well, duh... It helps to have them on a schedule so that I have some kind of idea of why they are crying rather than running around like a chicken with my head cut off. And crying is a way for an 11 month old to communicate not a 2 yr old.

Do I want something to be wrong with my child? Of course not, but there is and I have identified that there is a problem and I want to correct it. But I disagree with what the TEIS has to say.

The CDC (Child Development Center) called and said they have an opening for Nate. YAY! That I'm excited about. He'll be with other kids facing development issues as well as what they call "Role Model Kids", kids who are where they should be development wise. He'll learn from both and one of teachers is a speech therapist :D I think that is exactly what he needs. My only problem is that I have to let my baby go and be in the care of others. That makes me sad. I've been home with Nate and Abby for 9 months. I know it's only a couple of hours a week (week not day) but I don't want to miss a minute of their life. That's the only struggle I have right now is getting used to the idea that someone else will be taking care of him.

Anniversary

Today was Tim and mine's anniversary. We have been married for 3 years. Time has flown by. Since we met we have had 2 babies, 2 dogs, 2 apartments, and 2 houses. LOL, our number seems to be 2. He is the most amazing person and I'm a better for having him in my life. He is seriously my best friend. Our relationship is extremely open. We tell each other everything without worrying if the other is going to get mad. Some people think our relationship is strange and have even said that we are "too" open with each other, but is there such a thing? I think our marriage is the poster child of what a marriage should be. We aren't perfect, we have our arguments and disagreements, but we agree to disagree and respect each other for the opinions and thoughts that we do have. That what gives us our individuality and makes him "Tim" and me "Traci". Otherwise, we might as well have one name that we share.

We went through 2 difficult pregnancies with each other and he was the best support ever. I feel like we shared the pain. I handled the physical pain of them and he dealt with the emotional pain. He always asked what I needed or if he could do anything for me. He would hold my hair back when I threw up. He gave me baths. He washed my hair. He took me to the hospital when he didnt know what to do. And he stayed by my side while I was there. When he couldn't be there he would send me text messages making sure I was o.k. He would be back at the hospital as soon as he could be. And it didn't matter how many times I told him to leave, he wouldn't do it. When I was pregnant with Abby he couldn't stay with me as often or as long, but that was understandable. We had a 1 yr old who needed one of his parents with him. But I still got phone calls and I still got text messages. But the hospital had recently gotten wireless internet so the computer became my best friend since they only had 13 channels on tv and a vcr rather than dvd player. Oh, the memories.

One of the memories I have is when the dr.'s came to us and told us that they didn't think it was in my best interest to continue with the pregnancy. They weren't confident that me and the baby (Nate) would make it til the end and asked what we would like to do. I was a little coo coo seeing that I was all hopped up on morphine and pain meds and wasn't in the best state of mind to make a life or death decision. Tim without any hesitation told them to do all they could to save me. I, of course, even with seeing ducks on my wall, was not having it. I wanted my baby. It was all or nothing. Tim, bless his heart, tried to argue with me. He wanted to know what good would it be to have the baby if he couldn't have his mother. That he needed both his parents. I looked at him as serious as I could be with my blood diluted with morphine and said, "go big or go home!". It was all or nothing with me. And both Nate and I were fine. Tim was given that ultimatem again with Abby and his answer was the same.. so was mine.. but she had a harder battle to fight than Nate did, but we fought it as a family.

He has always been the one to compromise what he has wanted. If I wanted chocolate cake and he wanted vanilla, he wouldn't say anything. He would go with the chocolate because that's what I wanted. He is the love of my life. And we have traveled a long journey in a short time.. and I can't wait to unfold and see what the road up head as in store for us.

A Short Blog...

Wow... I reviewed my blog today.. I've noticed that my blogs become longer and longer each passing day... But I talk to a 2yr and 10 month old everyday, this is my adult communication that we all long for after talking to children all day long. But this one is going to be short and sweet... I had a great day today, was lazy, but it was great. Tim got my patio swing put up and the kids and I stayed out by the pool until it got too cold for Abby. It was just a nice day. I'm hoping to take the kiddos to the strawberry farm tomorrow. I think they will enjoy it. Especially Nate.

Gist.. Diagnosed with Diabetes...

This is something that I rarely talk about anymore, just because I'm used to it. It's not anything that phases me anymore or that seperates me from anyone else. It did before, especially when I was younger. But now it's second nature and I'm almost taken aback when someone asks me about my insulin pump, I almost want to say 'what pump?'.

I was diagnosed with Type I Diabetes (Juvenile Diabetes) when I was 12 years old. I had symptoms of diabetes for about 6 months before being diagnosed. The Dr. said I was going thru puberty when my Mom took me for 'mood swings' (effects of hi/low blood glucose). I went to the Dr. because I couldn't catch my breath (hi blood sugar), he said I was lazy. I was overweight when I was younger, but this was different. I knew something was wrong, but I went home and slept it off. I went into the Dr. again because I couldn't eat anything, I wasn't hungry (loss of appetite), because I was going to Washington, DC in a few weeks, he told my parents I was probably just trying to lose a little weight. Ummm, sure. I didn't tell my parents about getting up every 30 minutes in the middle of the night to pee or about sneaking a water bottle into my classes because I was so thirsty, I knew they would take me to the same stupid Dr. who seemed to chalk everything up to me being overweight. Thanks Doc. So, it was 3 days before Spring Break, 3 days before my trip to Washington, DC with my class (and I was so excited about going) and I went to sleep and didn't wake up until 2 days later in PICU. I had gone into a diabetic coma. I was in and out actually... I remember my parents putting me in the car and saying we were going to Vanderbilt. I remember getting into a wheelchair. I remember laying down in the exam room. And I remember a man's voice (Dr.)

I finally fell asleep and slept for days. I woke up hungry asking for a Gravy and Biscuit from Hardee's. I'll never forget that, my parent's faces lit up like I had never seen before (and I haven't since). Later I found out it was because I hadn't ate anything for weeks. I remember one night (a few weeks before) my Mom brought a Subway up to my room and begged me to eat it. I couldn't. I wasn't hungry.

So I stayed at Vanderbilt for a week to learn how to check my blood glucose, give myself insulin injections, and grow up. I was 12 learning how to count carbs. And give myself insulin with a NEEDLE. And that's weird. that's self mutilation. WHO DOES THAT?! I was glad I had great math skills. I need it for the ratios. ex: for every 15 carbs take 2 units of insulin. So how many units do you take if you eat 22 carbs? anyone? anyone?... 2.9 or 3 units. But it's more complicated than that. Here is a common problem I face even today... Everyone ready for their daily math lesson? Good.

Take 1 unit of insulin if your sugar is between 150 - 200. 2 units is 201-250. 3 units if 251-300, etc... Take 2 units of Insulin per every 15 carbs.

How much Insulin would you take if your sugar was 283 and you were eating 65 carbs?

Answer: 11.6 or 12 units (I always round up, it was easier to measure on the syringe)

Yeah, I faced that anytime I ate or checked my sugar, whatever the case might have been. If it was high, I gave insulin. If I ate, I gave insulin. It was a hassle for a 12 year old.

I did miss my trip to Washington, DC and spent my Spring Break in the hospital. What a double whammy! I went back to school just to be asked a million gazillion questions, not by my peers, but by my teachers. They were more interested in my life altering experience than my friends. And I then got negative feedback from my peers about being a 'teacher's pet'. Or that I faked it all just to get attention. My favorite was a boy in my class coming up to me saying his Grandma called it the fat ass disease that only fat asses got diabetes. Kids are cruel.

Yes, I was overweight but Juvenile Diabetes isn't caused by being overweight. Typically it is passed thru genetics or the body rejects the insulin hormone, but basically your body stops producing insulin for one reason or another and therefore has to be physically injected. My body supplies some insulin, not a lot but some (I found out later in my journey) but my body rejects it, my antibodies attack whatever insulin my pancreas makes naturally. Don't ask why it doesn't attack the insulin I inject.. Have no clue, but sometimes I think it does.

I was on this method of injections for 13 years until I received my Insulin Pump last year. It is my saving grace. I love the thing. It allows me to have a more normal life and I also don't have to think as much. I tell my pump what my sugar is and how many carbs I'm going to eat and it does the math for me and then gives me the insulin. It's awesome.

It just seems that people, especially kids, are scared of what they don't know (hence the teasing). I got teased a lot because I'm sure it did seem I was just trying to get attention and sympathy from authority figures, but I wasn't. I wish Kids, especially those who have classmates with diabetes, could be more educated. This is serious chronic disease that can become a life or death situation. I would be too scared of being teased to tell any of my teachers that I thought my sugar was low or hi, and I would get home and be close to passing out before anything was done. My kids will be educated because their mother suffers from this disease, but others won't. It's up to us as parents to make sure our children know the seriousness of it as well as the seriousness of teasing. Teasing needs to be made aware of regardless... No one should tease because a person is different in any kind of way. Whether it be because of their skin color, hair color, height, weight, whatever... I understand it's something kids do, but it shouldn't be accepted. We shouldn't use that excuse. I will do my best to make sure my kids are disciplined if they ever tease and I am made aware of it. It will not be tolerated. I grew up with the rule, 'treat people the way you want to be treated' and if I didn't, then I got my bucket (ass) tested.

I'm a better person for that. And we are all better people for the trials and tribulations we have faced in our lives.

Back to Blogging...

I think I'm making a pattern of when I blog... I've noticed that I don't blog on my days off. I'm usually too tired at the end of the day and seeing as though I rarely sleep when people should (at night) I take advantage of sleep on my days off. And I like to blog at the end of my day, but I've fallen asleep before the kids have these last 2 nights. Sooo, lets play catch up...

Wednesday... Tim came home early, which made me happy. I totally missed 'The Doctors' episode that featured Kayleigh and her family... I was a little more than upset. I may order the DVD of the episode. My sugar decided it was going to go crazy.. it was 422 (normal range is 80-120). I love my insulin pump.. It gave me the correction dose. I checked it again probably about an hr later.. it wouldn't even register on my meter, all it said was HI. I knew that meant it was over 600 and I felt like poo. I took another correction and went to bed. I woke up about midnight, still feeling like I'd been hit with a 2x4 (whatever that is), checked my sugar again and it was still over 600. WTF!!! I changed out my reservoir and infusion set (the stuff that makes the insulin get from Point A, the pump, to Point B, my body). Gave myself another correction and went back to bed.

Thursday... I woke up, checked my sugar, 84. It was about time! And then my day was crammed full of plans. I wanted to take the kids to a Strawberry farm. I was to spend 4 hrs. getting beautified. Plus clean the house so we could have people come over. I knew after the night before that I wasn't going to get a quarter of what I wanted done, done. So I settled... I half assed cleaned my house and people came over. We will go to the Strawberry farm next week. Tuesday looks good. 72 high and no rain in the forecast (yet). As for the 4 hrs of beauty? Yeah, that's a luxury that will be put off until... Kids are graduated from college.

Today... Tim let me sleep in late since I had to work tonight. I love him. So I played with kids for awhile after I woke up. Abby started fussing so we put her down for a nap at about 11:30. That's usually lunch time, but she was asleep and the schedule isn't set in stone, so I let her. Nate ate about 12, like always, and then we played. Abby woke up at 12:30, hungry! I mean she wanted her food ready yesterday. She was not a happy child. She ate and then they both took a nap at 2:30. Nice, one is always awake when the other was asleep. I really had time to myself! Heaven! or so I thought... Abby woke up an hour later, screaming and hollering. Nothing made her happy. I held her, I put her in the floor, I put her in her bounce bounce baby, jenny jump up, I gave her toys, I took toys away. I sat her up, I laid her down, I gave her a bottle, I took the bottle, I gave it to her again, I took it away again. This child was bound and determined to be unhappy. So fine, be mad. Nate woke up during this time of playing "piss off Abby" and tried his hardest to please her too. He finally went to his room and played quietly. He's such a good boy. I finally left her in the floor, where nothing could hurt her and she couldn't hurt herself, and gave Nate a bath. He loves taking bathes, especially with bubbles. So he had a bubble bath and I gave him some chocolate for being so good. After he was done with the bath, I fixed his supper and he ate and we acted like Abby wasn't there, although she was screaming at the top of her lungs... literally screaming.. There were no tears. There was no gasping breaths. She was fine.

After Nate was done, I sat on the couch with him and he started to tickle me (warning sign that he wants to play). So I chased him around the house for a while and finally crashed in the floor (near Abby) and I noticed, as I ran around, she had stopped screaming. So we went to the floor where she decided she was going to climb on me and try to join in on the fun. Of course we let her and she started laughing and playing. I guess she figured if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

Tomorrow we have a playdate with Emily, Braxton, Brennan, and Brooklyn at Discovery Center. I'm super excited. I love hanging out with them. They are the bestest. And I don't have any other friends with kids that are preemie, and it's nice to share our experiences especially with our girls so close in age.

WARNING: Women's functunalities are discussed below...

I am 5 days late as of May 12, which had me worried. I've only been late twice due to Nate and Abby, I'm like clock work. This had me nervous, I can't have another baby. Not right now. Abby is going to be 11 months old on the 21st. Surely to goodness I'm not. As I realized this I woke Tim up (it was like 7am). I told him what was going on and that I wasn't going to be happy until I took a test. And I'm the kind of person who want things done 5 minutes before, so he needed to get up to watch the kids so I could go to the store. Thank goodness we don't live 20 minutes away from the nearest store anymore (which we did when I went to pick up a test to find out if I was pregnant before, which I was.. with Abby). The store is 3 minutes away, which still took too long to get to. I went in, got what I was looking for, paid, and went straight to the icky bathroom at the store (I couldn't wait any longer). I had already waited 20 minutes after realization of how late I was and that was too long.

I peed on the stick and stared at that stupid test for hours. O.k., maybe minutes but gees! I thought we were leading in technology?! Can't they speed up the response time on a pregnancy test?! 2 minutes is too long to wait! It should be 2 seconds! Gaaahhh! And then it said... NOT PREGNANT! YES!!! Thank you... I think... wait... it said, NOT PREGNANT. Oh... ok... but... I'm 5 days late... shouldn't I be prego? I stared at the test and in my head I yelled "YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO CONFIRM MY SUSPICIONS AND SAY 'PREGNANT'! I was a little taken aback by my reactions. First I felt relief and half a split second later I was sad. I mean... It's been advised not to have anymore babies due to the history of prematurity, but what do dr.'s know. And Abby can't even crawl yet so who knows when she'll walk, do I wanna be pregnant while she tries to reach that milestone? She's just now started to do things on her own, do I want another child while trying to catch her up?

I was dreading the call to the dr.'s office, explaining to Dr. Endo that I was going to be sterile but only for 9 months, tops. And calling Dr. Gyno and saying, "oops, I did it again." I could imagine their reactions.. But after finding out that I wasn't, I started wondering why I cared what they would think. There are plenty of dr.s that I'm sure would be happy to have my money. But I wasn't so it didn't matter.

I came home and told Tim. He asked if I was o.k., "yeah, just disappointed." Tim, being my voice of reason, said in a very sincere, calm, and gentle way, "baby, we can't. I can't almost lose you again. And where would we put a baby?" I know he's right. I want to see the 2 babies I have grow up and go to Prom, graduate, get married. I want to meet my grandchildren. And we live in a 3 bedroom house. But me, being me, said, "well, we would be more prepared. The dr.'s would be more prepared. We would know what to expect. And we already have a boy and a girl, and seeing there isn't another gender we could possibly get, one of them would be sharing a room. Hello! bunkbeds!" He chuckled and we talked a little longer and his voice of reason talked to mine, and we need to hurry up and one of us get fixed.